Ladies and gentlemen, as usual, apartment 507 is bringing you an exclusive. This is the first in a semester-long series of translated conversations to help you figure out what a man means when you are having a hard time deciphering his words.
We’ll do this by example. We’ve provided a list of commonly used phrases, and their underlying rationale, that some guys use to maneuver through conversations. This will be your dictionary for BS.
1. “Do you want to watch a movie?”
Usually it will be a movie you’ve already seen or a terrible one. We’ve all seen “The Mummy.” This movie is not being played to be watched. It’s watching you.
2. “I text you at night because that’s when I think you’d be available to fit me in.”
This is a lie. Sally Sexpert already told you that there is a certain time after which all texts translate into: “Hi. I am awake. I was hoping you are as well so we could hook up.” We don’t necessarily agree with Sally Sexpert about the midnight transition period. There should at least be a 2 a.m. buffer. Parties don’t even end until 2 a.m.
3. “Yeah. We can just cuddle.”
This is coming from the guy that will later tell you he sleeps best without someone else in the bed. Who really wants to share a twin bed?
4. “We should be exclusive, but not call it dating yet.”
This means that he is making sure that you are only hooking up with him, but he has the “just-in-case” girl that he hangs out with just in case you are busy doing homework, or are off campus for the evening.
5. “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”
BELIEVE THIS! Period! Don’t read into this one. He’s being honest.
6. “We should keep hooking up for a while to see where this goes.”
Reread No. 5. That’s what he really means.
7. “Why does it have to be on Facebook? If we know, why does it matter who else knows?”
Either he is not monogamous, or he is not too keen on telling everyone that he is hooking up with you.
8. “I’m busy with class work during the week. That’s why I only talk to you during the weekends.”
If he only talks to you Thursdays through Saturdays, the relationship is not that serious. Keep your options open.
9. “Yeah, let’s hang out tomorrow.”
This quote is only disconcerting when followed by a day without a text, phone call or any other form of communication (messenger pigeons included in this list). Without contact, this means that you were his backup. You were Plan B without the fun of a rowdy night and no trip to Planned Parenthood.
10. “I think we need a break.”
He is ready to re-evaluate his market value after having spent time invested in you. The amount of interest he receives from speculators affects whether this is a momentary decline or a final removal of your stock in his company.
11. “Heeeeeyyyy! How come we don’t hang out anymore?”
Turns out his market value isn’t that high. Welcome back. Now you have the option to buy or sell. This puts you in the position of power. When the Dow is down, buy low. Make him work for it.
12. “We can hook up with other people, but not tell each other.”
The second clause is deliberately added to imply that you can’t ask him any questions about the situation because the girl in your sorority, or who lives down the hall or on the other side of the lake is cute. He has plans to hook up with her, but this is just a temporary pause in your hooking-up patterns until he has added that notch to his belt. Unless she is better than you.
13. Anything in the vein of: “It’s not you. It’s me.”
He’s lying. He got bored. He doesn’t want it to seem as if he hurt you. This is a ploy to keep the door open by ending it without being the bad guy. Be ready to receive No. 11 via text in the near future.
14. “ ”
As Diddy said, “This is the end.” He isn’t responding to your texts, phone calls, e-mails or Facebook messages, and he ducks into the Pier line when he sees you coming. It’s time to move on.
Ladies, we know you have some of these too, and we are more than willing to hear you out. You know where we live. Text first and knock as if you’ve got some sense. We’re here to help you navigate through the wilds of Richmond during the Hunt. Use this article as a traveler’s guide to the linguistic traps that Hunters lay out. Fellas, adapt.