Thursday, September 22, 2011
We rely on your feedback to know what we're doing right, what you want to read, what we're doing wrong. So instead of posting the list of “Top Ten Features of a Beat Bitch” as The Radical has been aggressively suggesting over the past three weeks (trust us, this list isn't what you want to read). We've decided to dedicate today's post to the direct request for our readers to tell us what you think.
We've been told a number of times that commenting on posts has been difficult and sadly there isn't much we can do about that on Blogspot, but we are working on a larger solution to that problem. We loved the avid conversation that was had on one of our author's facebook link post. So today, tell us what you think of The Birds and the Bees however you like. If you are one of the lucky few that can get the comments to work, have at it. If you prefer to comment on the link we post, go for it. And there is always the option to simply email us at email@example.com.
And if you really want that list The Radical suggested, we need no less than three cosignatures.
- The Birds and the Bees' Staff
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
By Mr. SR...C
“I’ll go the extra mile to make you smile and just to make your day, I’ll go out my way, I’ll do whatever it takes”. That is some heavy stuff coming from a dude. Those words can cause a Tsunami in your girl’s nether regions. You would have to get a flotation device to survive. Every girl probably would die to hear her man to say that to her. It is just real, honest, and vulnerable. “Stay,” the official first single off the upcoming album “Open Invitation” from hit R&B artist Tyrese, is about exactly what the title states, a man wants his woman to stay with him. The song tugs at the fabric of our tendency as human beings to make mistakes in relationships and unfolds to show our need to be ready to do any and everything to make the love of our life stay with us.
The point of view being presented is of the man who is being unfair to a woman who has held him down. Yes, they have disagreements. Yes, there may be times of confusion, but he loves her. He may have “messed up more than a thousand times” but he wants to make it up to his woman. The man sees his woman about to leave and can only think about everything he would lose with her exiting his life. Sometimes people don’t realize what is sitting right in front of them or take it for granted. Now I don’t excuse bad treatment, but people can get caught up in so many other things that they don’t realize how they are neglecting the other person in the relationship. The neglect could be work, could be too much time with friends, it could be never showing appreciation for all the things you do for him or her. Not realizing his girl’s importance until too late would crush a man who loves his girl. The song is expressing the time right before that final straw and what all men should strive to provide their significant other with at all times, not just when shit hits the fan.
“Stay” is pushing for men to always put their woman first. I agree with that idea as long as it is within reason, don’t cut off your toes if she asks, but do “whatever it takes” if this woman is the potential lifetime partner you’ve been searching for (aka wifey). If she wants more time with you during the day because you work too much, try to leave early some days. If she needs your support at an event she is hosting, show up before hand to help her set up, and if you're late please don’t expect to dialogue with the vagina for about a week. If she asks for help running errands and all that is on is football, you can sacrifice a couple hours to help her out, unless it is your team or you’re hosting your boys, then she needs to eat a sand sandwich and leave your ass alone. Making concessions is what makes relationships last and any selfishness ends that.
This is meant to express how you should treat your wife/wifey/girlfriend, not some girl you’re just fucking. Remember that. Ladies, all these things can be applied to you too, value your significant other because being unappreciated exponentially raises the potential of their departure. This might exclude some dudes who you whipped with the pussy, but I digress. This is a beautiful song to express that we all need to appreciate the one we love in a relationship, so I hope you always go the “extra mile to make [her] smile” so staying is the only option.
Now it’s time for a completely biased point of view. See what I did there? I put you on the defensive immediately. This is directed at the females, but men can be guilty of this too; say what you mean, do not expect me to fucking understand your non-communicative version of communication. Why? Because it is fucking stupid. Like if your dog is hungry, it probably will whine or beg. If Olive Oil screams for help, Popeye knows to rescue her. If the condom breaks…enough said. So why is it that people feel that others will know what an issue is without any communication? Sometimes it may be generally understood but why not shoot for clear communication all the time? I will grant men mostly are the guilty party of not understanding these unexpressed signals but women just have to get over the subtle shit. We men are just freaking “she Jane, me Tarzan” at the end of the day.
I want to give an example of this “you’re not telling me shit” phenomenon. Ralph is eating a sandwich in the kitchen. His girl calls him and says “I am outside the apartment, you home? Oh, and I stopped by the grocery store on my way over”. He says, “Okay, come up” and continues to eat his sandwich. He finishes his sandwich and turns on the game, it's funday Sunday, calls up a few buddies see if they want to stop by and watch the game with him. Ralph notices his girl is taking a while getting to the apartment. Fifteen minutes later she opens the door and has bags of groceries. Ralph goes up to her and notices she has a not too pleased look on her face and says “Nicole, baby, what’s wrong?” and she replies “Oooh nothing, I think I’m going to make some food for night game”. Nicole’s face softens and whatever was bothering her seems to have faded as she cooks. As she finishes up and the late game is about to start Ralph gets a call from his boys saying they are downstairs and to buzz them up. When Nicole hears this conversation she gets pissed, calls Ralph a jerk and storms out the apartment and says “I’m going home, you are so selfish”. Ralph is confused and as his girl leaves his boys come in and they have the WTF look on their faces. Ralph goes after Nicole and begs her to tell him what he did. Her response is simply “How do you not know?!”
It is clear to me that not every woman does this and not every man is clueless, but from countless encounters and stories I can imagine this is quite common, maybe not as serious as the example, but it happens. The problem is that Ralph never knew what was wrong, he just knew something was wrong, but that was offset by the fact that Nicole said “oooh nothing”. If nothing was bothering her why did she have a displeased look on her face walking in the door? I created the scenario so I know, but Ralph has no clue. She had never asked Ralph for help with the grocery bags, but instead assumed he would come down and help her. All she had to say was “Can you come down and give me a hand with the bags?” Assuming that Ralph is the average decent boyfriend, he would have gone down to help with no problem. Granted, he could have asked “do you need help?” The point here is when he wanted to know why she was upset she replied “oooh nothing” and literally communicated nothing even though she was upset. Nicole could have reprimanded him for not asking or coming down to help her. Regardless of whether or not Nicole is right about being angry, not verbally expressing why she is upset causes an unnecessary rift in the relationship, and pot holes only get bigger.
Storming out when Ralph says “the guys are coming upstairs” and responding with a rhetorical question is terrible conflict resolution. Remember: I do not believe all ladies take it to the extreme or would not voice their displeasure, but many do some version of this. Please, please, please, just tell the man why you are mad, he is asking for a reason, he has no fucking clue, and if he has a clue he wants to be sure. To be real, men are as simple as the game of Rock, Paper, Scissors (RPS). If you do not say what you feel when we ask, then our assumption is it has nothing to do with us. WE ARE NOT MIND READERS, maybe mind manipulators, but that is not exclusive to nor even mastered the best by the dick-swinging portion of humanity.
Listen, there are surely guys who do the same type of lack of communication bullshit to their significant other the same way some females do, and, conversely , there are women that may not get the hint the same way some males don’t. There are different personalities and it may be difficult to sometimes express how you feel (Helga Pataki’s secret love for Arnold comes to mind) or express how they feel with no intention of having dialogue after it is expressed, think Squidward and Spongebob. Now there are so many variables in a relationship, but one thing that is at least in control of both parties is communication and not assumption, a corny old man I knew used to say “what do the first three letters in 'assume' spell?”, don’t make that you.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Talking with a friend of mine, I realized that there is a common trait in long-term relationships that suddenly take a turn for the worse. There is often a lack of short-term memory. There are plenty of people in relationships that are only in them because they’ve “been together for so long”. If you are constantly complaining about your significant other and your only explanation for still being together is the aforementioned reasoning, then you should re-evaluate how you would like this relationship to end. Far too often, people feel that have come too far to go backwards. In response to that, I’d like to ask you, how far have you actually gone if you’re still arguing about topics from the first month? Even though the equation “you + me = us” does make sense, it does not help predict the life expectancy of a relationship. “Us” is a variable, not a constant.
If you are one of the unfortunate members of the majority that are forced to face the fork in the road with one side showing a stop sign; and the other side not showing an end in sight, which road do you take? If the relationship ends before one person picks out baby names and china patterns, the two people involved are not left wondering, “what happened?” If the relationship is ended right before a weekend getaway at the family cabin, then angry and emotional status updates via Facebook may become a part of both individuals near future. Either way, the end result is the same. The downward spiral of complacency has come to a halt. Although one scenario leaves one person hating the opposite sex for a month or two because “they finally opened up”, it provides an opportunity for both people to continue on with the rest of their lives and avoid a predestined dead end.
There are plenty of adults who do not realize this is the case until they are knocking on the door of being the woman with all the cats or the old man that hates everyone. According to your support group, the fact that s/he will not fully commit and you are “running out of time” to get married at a “decent” age is a great reason to abandon ship. When, in actuality, you have been setting sail without a breeze for years! Personally, I do not believe in a small window of opportunity to get married or an age where you should adopt animals and become the next Bronx Zoo. Experience has shown me that, as humans we try to see the potential in people, but we all know that potential that does not soon become apparent will eventually be seen as underachievement. Although you may think that underachievement is only being performed by the person who has the memory span of a goldfish, it is in fact underachievement by both persons involved. Allowing someone to hold you back and use you as a crutch hinders your own ability to grow. Think back to the kid who cheated off your test and then got a better grade than you because they screwed up one of your answers.
Looking back at the end of a relationship, we will always have a spot in our hearts for that companion that never became what we needed; but, creating a feeling of regret within the relationship is much worse. Relationships can either be quicksand or rolling hills. You can either completely lose yourself in the sinking pit of bullshit or be lucky enough to endure ups and downs on a hillside. This article is not to suggest that you should break up with someone because they picked up the wrong type of milk. The point is that if they keep forgetting your birthday/anniversary, you may need to reconsider that double sink and man cave you two have been designing. Allowing someone to stay on life-support within a relationship can be defined as cruel and unusual punishment. R.I.P Terry Schiavo.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
So you made the mistake once of taking your mother out with you to the club. Ten failed missions later you turned to her and just couldn't figure out what you were doing wrong. How could you be failing so miserably tonight? It couldn't be your outfit. You felt the flyest you've felt since prom. What could be the issue? Then you look back to the dance floor to see if that brunette was still around and see your mother raging to the new Britney Spears single. There it is. You fucked up and brought the wrong support staff to the operation. The guy with the World Beat-boxing title belt can't help when you need a sniper. Here are some essential traits to look for when designating a wingman for your night out.
Definition: Wingman: (noun) the catalyst for love or getting in them cheeks, you got him who needs a fucking arrow.
- First Off - Your wingman does NOT have to be of the same sex as you. This may be shocking but girls can be potentially great wingwomen for guys. They are usually able to identify other women in the area who are open to meeting new guys. Also they are typically great at making the guy look good. Other women are more prone to listen to another female complimenting a guy than a guy complimenting a guy. Think about it.
- Altruism - Your wingman has to be willing to take one for the team (if they are of the same sex). Now, taking one for the team does have boundaries. You should only ask your wingman to take a bullet you would HONESTLY take for him or her. To figure out the boundaries, you should pick a spot in the club and observe people as they come by and discuss if you would hit it or not. If you two are on the same page then you can start invading different territories. If you guys are far off, then reconsider that person as a wingman.
+ Remember: Your wingman should have your best interests in mind, be it related to achieving your goal or making sure your beer goggles don't get the best of you.
- Good Looks - Ladies: pick a wingman as sexy as you, never sexier, and dress him or her in an outfit slightly less sexy than yours.Fellas: pick a wingman of equal attractiveness so long as you are at least moderately attractive. You never want to be outshined. You also never want to be in a pack of ugly people.
- Confidence - Or Swag. However you look at it, the wingman must be able to hold the attention of the other team’s defense.
- Conversationalist - You have to find someone who can have an interesting conversations about anything. Your wingman needs to be well rounded. They need to be able to talk about work, music, the cornball guy on the dance floor trying to get laid, the weather, popular bars/clubs in town or anything of the sorts. People who can only passionately talk about 1-2 subjects do not make useful wingmen.
- Genuine Acting Skills - If the wing man is unable to appear genuine in the approach of the friend, the friend will be genuine in the genital blocking of the star.
- Great Passing - If s/he doesn't know how to throw an alley, then s/he needs to be left at home. Poor passing is akin to cock-blocking.
- Hater Blocker – A wingman must be skilled in handling hate. If a wingman encounters a hater in the group who is attempting to sabotage the mission, the wingman must be able to deflect the hate and preoccupy that person to give the lead person a chance to close the deal.
- Emotionless - If the wing man is in fact rejected, the ability to gracefully bow out can go a long way in the success of their teammate. The time that was taken to reject them, leaves the time it should take for the lead teammate to secure a dance/drink/topic of conversation that will ward off any blockers.
- Quality over Quantity - You do not need an army of wingmen to to get results. A skilled army of two can cause just as much damage as the average army of 3 or more.
+ Your wingman must be able to hold a conversation with more than one person at a time. An army of 2 must be able to go up to a group of 3 or more people and maintain good conversation. The leader person should be able to make his/her move while the wingman captures the attention of everyone else.
So it is hard to construct a list of what makes a perfect wingman. The only core quality there seems to be is that the wingman can inherently understand time, place, score, and the best decision for the good of his teammate. A wingman is something like a general, a point guard if you will, but different situations, most times, require a general comfortable in certain environments. You would not want an expert nautical tactician trying to make a battle plan for a ground battle, simply put. Now there are cases where there are wingmen who have an all encompassing grasp of wingmanology with the ability to be a tactical savant in any environment, but that is very rare. The essence of the wingman is the understanding of what buttons to push to lead to the success of their friend, whether it’s a one night booty rodeo, digits for possible fireworks, or just building a rapport for a future encounter.
Leave mom at home.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The following letter is a response to an opinion piece published in our Alma mater's newspaper, The Collegian. You can find the original article here.
Although I applaud you for the courage to voice such a controversial opinion despite its lack of warrants, the massive holes in your logic, and your obvious resentment for the beautiful nature of the modern woman, there is too much wrong with what you're saying for me to agree with you, despite all my dick-dragging, heteronormative woman-bashing.
You begin by directly requesting that women, in general, “wear more clothes.” Your only warrant for this is that “it is becoming increasingly difficult for [you] to look at [a woman] as a woman.” It's strange that you would request women to alter their behavior based on your inability to cope mentally with...what I'm willing to assume is life, but, in this instance and letter, women act as a synecdoche for what appears to be your discomfort with your own personal sexuality. Don't worry, even if you are suffering a lack of sexual activity that isn't streaming online, the concept of sexuality can still be applied to you, in theory.
To say that women have stripped themselves of what makes them beautiful is not a statement reflecting upon women, it hardly even rests in the conservative nostalgia that you poorly attempt to couch your opinion in. What you have clearly indicated is that you are unable to perceive anything beyond what you can see and you have no desire to get to know a woman once you have your mental images recorded for your midday “alone time.” Really, what you are saying is that you are incapable of knowing anything about a woman. Ever. Once you have any leeway to impose sexual thoughts upon her body, YOU make her into an object, regardless of her dress. Tighter clothes just make it easier. What you have is a personal cognitive problem, probably related to your poor impulse control and obsessive compulsive sexual thoughts.
You attempt to petrify the idea of womanhood as this notion of “authenticity” based on her virginity and chastity. So, your mother had a kid, how is her womanhood holding up? I'm willing to bet she lost her virginity to birth you. How much of her beauty went as she released you into the world?
Offended? Too close to home? See, you speak of women, but you don't know what you are actually saying. You must be talking about a certain kind of girl...the one always beyond your reach. Don't hate her because she is beautiful. Hiding what you long for under layers of fabric doesn't make it any more attainable, nor does it add anything to her personality, nor does it speak about her personal choices sexually, nor does it make her any more chaste of virginal. Your view is a mask for your lack of respect for women because you find them sexually attractive and the suggested additional clothing is simply a veil of ignorance for you that masks people's personal choices. Is this how you cover up your personal downfalls, looser jeans? No need to answer. We already know you write opinion letters and hide behind your own audacity for this.
Your final full paragraph is a testament to your personal failures and inabilities. Let's respond in order. You have no control over your sexual desires. You only perceive women as an object to acquire and feel the need to “flirt” as a means to an end. You know that no woman would want to spend the rest of her life with you, that you she'd get to know in time, so you feel the need to marry first and disappoint later. This is called entrapment. You have a fetish for chastity and don't know how to communicate this in the bedroom. And you will never get to know a woman's character because you yourself are a very shallow puddle, not because of what she wears.
There are definitely real men out there, but you, sir, are not one of them. You are play acting the role of a man by merely projecting hyper-masculine, artificially-nostalgic, idiotic views about chastity and virginity as the essence of one's value and character that I would bet money you do not hold about men. Chivalry is dead because of guys like you that bastardized what it means to be chivalrous. And bitches that take that shit for granted, but bitches and women are two completely different topics.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Fellas, please allow me to speak to you about a fine art I have spent a lifetime studying: the elegant, laborious, and crucial art of treating women well. The first thing you need to know about women is that they are not bitches. They may have been bitches, they may one day become bitches, but women are never bitches. That is what makes them women.
How one treats his woman well is an art because while there are genres, rules, styles, trends, etc., there is not an exact science. Theorems about women always fall through when you need them most (in a bar mid-conversation, while writing your wedding vows, during the fight that will make or break you after your six year anniversary, the list goes on). The main feature of this art is what it is not and it certainly is not the craft of training your bitch.
To train your bitch, one must:
- Make it so that one’s personal happiness is the focal point of one’s interactions with this bitch.
- Secure the position of power. The easiest method of this is to simply care the least about the relationship itself and your continued interactions with this bitch.
- Properly demonstrate the extent of one’s sexual prowess infrequently to compel this bitch to stick around, while still putting one’s own needs first.
- Fulfill the superficial needs of this bitch. Fact of the matter is bitches be shoppin’ and not just at the Gap.
That, of course, is a small lesson on the dark arts. Those are the critical pillars of that particular school of thought, by no means the totality. Only these four pieces are needed to distinguish this from the fine art of treating women well. To treat one’s woman well you must never act toward her as if she was a bitch. She might occasionally act like one and that time she said something you are pretty sure was a well-disguised jab at your mother you wanted to call her one, but your woman is never a bitch. We have a different word for that: “woman.” Nonsensical? Yes, and that is the point. Ever spent a good amount of time with a woman? Exactly.
There are four basic tenants to treating a woman well:
- Be willing to go beyond positioning her happiness as the centerpiece of your relationship; place it alongside yours. When you perceive her wants and needs as important as you do your own you make it so that your happiness coincides with yours. Making her happy makes you happy. This is much more stable and healthy than the complete sacrifice of considerations of your happiness for hers because it is less draining, thus more easily maintained for a long period of time, and the intermingling of what makes you happy as individuals increases the likelihood of knowing what makes you a happy couple.
- Remember that power is fluid. Couple this with a passion for your woman that ebbs and flows, but never dissipates. “Never” is one of those present tense feelings, when it becomes a future tense kind of thing she might be wifey material. There will always be a power struggle going on in any relationship (refer to the power struggle article), but this struggle can be more or less full of actual conflict. Again, consider it as an ebb and flow of power.
- You are her personal sex slave. She is your personal porn star. However you two make it true is up to you. I can’t tell you what rocks your boat. But for the proper, mind-blowing, multi-orgasmic, leg-quaking, sheets-ruining, neighbor-waking, structural integrity altering treatment of your woman, this should be true.
- You must fulfill the needs of your woman, superficial and otherwise. Buying her things is nice and a great distraction from her having caught you staring at the bitch at the register, but there is more than materialism at the core of a woman. Those things we all long for deep down inside (love, respect, caring, hugs, kisses, sympathy, passion, compassion, and things of the like), give her all of those, in abundance.
Yes, you must treat your woman well, but not quite as good as you would treat your wife. The art of treating your woman well is really the practice of wading in the gray area between training your bitch and loving your wife. I had to consult an older head a while ago about the proper way to love one's wife.
The wise man spoke to me of the three Ps: Providing, Protecting, and Proclaiming. The three Ps are for neither women nor bitches. The three Ps are reserved for the wife or wifey material. Wifey material is a potential wife with legitimate and not “blinded by the power of the P” potential (This P is not one of the original three). The power of the P has sent men to their graves, kings to poverty, and ships to sea. The power of the P is a separate article altogether. Let’s stay on topic.
The three Ps are straightforward and need no further defining. What is necessary is a description of their applicability.
- Providing – This is the natural male desire to provide that drives the ego of so many, from boys to men. This is why most males will cringe to think that he would be out on a date and she would pay. This same drive has been turned against men. Bitches won’t even consider reaching for their purse at the end of the meal nowadays, knowing that he will do the work for her, questioning his own masculine identity based on his financial abilities.
- Protecting – A guard dog barks at the unopened door regardless of the possibility that it’s a friendly face on the other side of the door. That’s all. That’s not meant to be a metaphor. For his wife, a male will constantly be aware of and concerned for her safety. This is easily confused with male territorialism. Territorialism has the male’s ego as its main concern making the defense of his personal property the highest priority. The easiest way to tell the difference is the accompanied marking habits and the placement of a bitch as the visible focal point.
- Proclaiming – I wouldn’t walk into a room and scream, “This is my woman!” I also wouldn’t leave the room without the sexiest girls and the guys looking the thirstiest knowing that “this is MY woman.” There is a middle ground, but the level of proclamation needed differs per male, couple, setting, and time of day. The Facebook relationship status is the most well-known (and most disputed) form of proclamation for our age group. It is also the most useless. It does more to have your relationship known when you walk into the club than it does when dude is poking your woman on Facebook.
I remind you that the three Ps are for the wife or wifey material only. These are told to you for one reason: You treat one as less than the other. How do you know what wifey material is? She is everything the average woman is not. So what’s a woman? She is everything a bitch isn’t, which gets kind of complex because bitches ain’t shit. When we discussed a clearer way to simplify this complexity a member of the Birds and the Bees Staff suggested that “a woman is everything.”