Thursday, July 28, 2011
Without further ado...
Question: So I've been thinking recently, especially after reading the last two posts centered around the FWBs of the world, and also some of my own personal run-ins/encounters of late-- is it ever truly possible to develop and/or maintain a friendship post messing around? I feel like it's always addressed when it comes to friendship post an actual bf/gf relationship, but what about when you're in the FWB zone heavy for a couple of months and it dissipates for whatever reason-- does that mean cut all ties forever or what?
The Watcher: This is a very sticky situation all around. There are so many variables that have to be accounted for that it is difficult to give you a clear yes or no answer. The best thing to do is to treat your former hook up as if they lived half way across the world. Stay in touch from time to time, small talk. Anything beyond this and you run the risk of stirring up old flames which can cause you to go around the "Mulberry Bush" once again.
MD:Yes, the point was to be able to be friends after it was all said and done, but let’s be honest, when
do things ever go according to plan? It would be nice to have a friendship with the person, but when you begin a future relationship, how are you going to explain your connection with your previous FWB? If you say that you won’t mention that part, realize that your new relationship is built on lies- evasion of the truth is a lie; and, if you do mention it, your current counterpart will always question your friendship in the back of their mind. So yes, it would be nice, but not realistic.
The Radical: There is a clear distinction between someone you fuck on a consistent basis but aren't dating and a friend with benefits. Someone you are fucking gets cut when you're done fucking. A friend with benefits is in the gray area when the two parties decide to remove the benefits from their relationship. You can try and go back to just being friends. Good luck. This requires the removal of the sexual attraction that was once there. Why? Because you have set a precedent and once that's there it's much harder to come up with good answers to “Why aren't we having sex right now?” It's been done before, but there has to be good reason for you two to not have sex, like a disfiguring car accident or the contraction of some STD... or one of you starts dating someone else. Be wary, that last reason still may not protect you.
Mr. SR...C: It is possible to maintain a friendship post genital to genital combat as long as both sides are not jealous of the others' future conquests. Honestly, the only reasons to cut all ties from a FWB situation are that one of the parties is too emotionally invested in the other or the ability to watch the other with a new partner drives one crazy. It’s simple, very simple, but most lose sight of that and, in turn, ruin the possibility of a friendship. If you are catching feelings please voice so immediately to avoid complications. We avid proponents of the beauty of FWBs would love a couple weeks notice to ease off of habitually blowing your back out. Just ease off the usage after you realize you have caught feelings and using a mutually understood technique friendship can hopefully still happen. Plus going cold turkey sucks, unless you have a couple of tenderonis on standby.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Given the focused subject matters of The Birds and the Bees' blog, it only makes sense that we continually attempt to remain knowledgeable and decently read on the subject, so I found myself reading things online and came across Hot Alpha Female's (HAF) blog. Particularly, her post titled “The Irrelevance of Sexual Compatibility.” Let me state plainly, I disagree.
Having said that, I completely agree with her statement that “[t]he core things that are required to create the solid foundation of a relationship are shared values, open lines of communication, unconditional acceptance, honesty, courage, emotional maturity, and the need and desire for both people to put their relationship first.” While the amalgamation of these things are a solid foundation for a relationship, they are hardly cumulative into sexual compatibility.
To avoid a crucial mistake that allows HAF to make many of her arguments there is a need to define “sexual compatibility” as an independent concept to be discussed. Busby et al. (2010) define “sexual chemistry” as “ a 'mysterious, physical, emotional, and sexual state' that when present in a relationship creates something 'unique and explosive'” (pg 767). I will take this a step further granting this definition with finer applications of context to define the concept at hand. This undefinable “something” has certain conditions necessary for it to be present in a relationship. When these conditions are met, then sexual chemistry becomes sexual compatibility. The crux of this distinction is “compatibility.”
Compatibility is the rhetorical crux of this distinction. The primary distinguishing feature in practice is everything sexual beyond missionary position in a private room with the lights off. I do mean everything sexual. Outside of sex at its simplest, compatibility becomes a factor beyond the sexual chemistry of two people. It might fit like lock and key, but it has to unlock the door.
Where compatibility really matters is that space in time when you decide to move beyond the most basic of sexual practices. HAF indicates that the lack of sexual compatibility is actually a symptom of a breakdown of the aforementioned key components of a relationship's foundation. HAF goes on to say that “ a healthy relationship will have a healthy sex life.” This line is the clear indication of the assumption of a correlation in which a couple's sex life is the dependent variable attached to the facets of their relationship's “foundation”. Foolishness.
HAF soon expresses what she feels to be the root cause of sexual incompatibility: “the woman withholding the true expression of her femininity – and the absence of a strong masculine energy to draw it out.” This masculine and feminine dynamic becomes the base cause of relationship breakdown, which pushes sexual incompatibility to the furthest background as a symptom of other symptoms. If this doesn't make sense to you, that's okay because it doesn’t make sense to me either.
So the expression of the two partners' (in a heterosexual relationship) masculine and feminine energies is what makes for good sex? In her section titled “Understanding a woman 101,” HAF provides a fuller description of how the masculine and feminine energies interact: “You project. She Absorbs.” The feminine energy which erupts as sexual energy is controlled by the masculine energy. This is a dominant and submissive relationship in which the male partner acts as the catalyst that unlocks the “little sex kitten” in the woman, thus making sexual compatibility a matter of constant male dominance and reciprocated female submission, suggesting further that the male's dominance must be over the woman “emotionally, mentally, and intellectually” since these are the areas which HAF emphasizes as the crucial components for sexual compatibility. Although I agree that every relationship has characteristics of a dominant and submissive relationship, HAF is off base in her interpretation of how these characteristics are engaged within a relationship.
Think I have misconstrued HAF's interpretation by clearly highlighting the the aspects of dominance and submission? Read again HAF's statement that “[i]f you can continually re-establish, nourish, and protect her safety on all levels she will have no reason to withhold [sex].” HAF shows here that there is the need for the dominant masculine energy to engulf the feminine energy such that a persistent safety net secures the woman's emotional availability for sex. Even her sexual desires are muted in the face of the overwhelmingly dominant masculine energy,
“When a woman feels comfort, safety, protection, excitement, and happiness about herself in relation to a man and the relationship she will DO ANYTHING to keep that man happy. Her preferences of what she likes and does not like will go out the window.”
To state plainly HAF's meaning as read, control her emotionally and you control her pussy. Not an original theory really since Bobby and Ike suggested the same thing many years ago (and were quite successful for it).
Alright, enough with the dry literary analysis. Let's get to the point proper. Sexual compatibility is crucial in any relationship, not as an afterthought, not as a third tier symptom of borderline spousal abuse, and certainly not as a product of these obscure, ephemeral masculine and feminine energies. Two parties enter into a relationship in which they meet in a variety of areas, one of which being the shared desires for sex at a similar pace and in a similar style. The hyper-aggressive dominatrix will not do well with the hyper-masculine male with no desire to submit in the bedroom. Neither desire what is called “vanilla” sex, but neither of them play the role to submit to the other. This makes for an awkward bedroom excursion in which a fight just might break out.
Fellas, when your next random hook-up punches you in the face pre-orgasm, you will or will not like it. If this is what she needs to get off, no matter how many times you can recite to her her favorite foods, movies, and books, your fulfillment of her “emotional needs” still won't get her rocks off unless you enjoy or at least continuously allow her blunt faceshots. And here is where compatibility matters. Is she going to condemn herself to the duration of a relationship without an orgasm? Shit, I wouldnt. Then again how many girls have slept with me and I've just never done it for them? Ladies feel free to comment and let me know.
Sexual compatibility is slightly different from sexual chemistry in that it is what goes beyond the levels that HAF focuses on in her article. The sexual chemistry that one can feel during a first date across a dinner table is completely different than the sexual compatibility that one may or may not feel when you find yourself at their house later that evening walking into their bedroom finely decorated with hardcore, tentacle Hentai posters as they exhaustively describe the school girl costume they would like you to wear during sex. If gooey demonic appendages entering your orifices in the most aggressive of ways isn't your thing, then what about the pleasant dinner conversation has suddenly made it so?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I'm with M.D when he says that the friend with benefits (FWB) relationship does not work. However, I do believe that the theory behind FWB can work if both parties involved know the rules. In this article I will rebut the previous article, “The Birds: The S.E.X.” You can have a just sex relationship without emotions. It is possible to achieve. Do not let those who have failed to have a successful FWB relationship steer you in the wrong direction. Don’t be fooled. Don’t be swindled. Take it from someone with years of experience in being friends with women while sharing the perk of giving and receiving some special benefits behind closed doors. Get ready to take notes because I am going to break down how the theory behind the FWB relationship can work when it is done the right way. Here are the rules you MUST follow:
1. Find your acquaintance outside your current circle of friends that you have little to no connection with. The further outside your circle the better. You do not need to see them constantly. Therefore co-workers should NOT be in your selection pool. And they should never be an EX.
2. Negotiate a contract so that both of you agree and understand that you two are acquaintances and can hang out with whomever you want and you can sleep with whomever you want.
3. Continuously keep your options open. You are single throughout this whole relationship, so act like it.
4. Do not go on dates alone with your acquaintance whether they are romantic or not. If you two plan on hanging out in public, make sure it is with other people. You two are not trying to court each other, so why do you need to go out to dinner and a movie? You are acquaintances keep it that way.
5. Do not invite your acquaintance to family or work functions. You do not want to send the wrong message to them or anyone else.
6. Remember a FWB is simply a known booty-call that you do not mind spending some time with.
7. If you or the other person begins to show signs of having feelings, discuss what you both want to do with this change. The only two viable answers are to become a couple or cut things off and move on. Any other option would lead to drama.
The most common mistake that people make when trying to have a successful “friends with benefits” relationship is that they do not realize that the word “friend” in the phrase “friends with benefits” should not be defined as what you normally think of as a friend. In my opinion, the title should be “acquaintance with benefits.” Once you forget that you and the person you just want to have sex with are nothing more than acquaintances that engage in sexual activities, then the whole attempt at being FWB is ruined. As a matter of fact, society should just be done with the phrase “friends with benefits” and go back to the 1990's and call the acts what they really are: booty-calls. I believe that if you simply change what you call the relationship, everything will be put into its proper place.
To make a booty-call relationship function you must keep your options open! If you are having sex with one person and devoting all of your time to them, then you are not only acquaintances, but also something more. You are what the Birds and Bee’s Staff call being stuck in the “gray area” (Refer to Communication: Avoiding the Gray Area). I’m not saying go out and find other sexual partners. However, you need to be actively engaged in the “Hunt” with more than one person if you plan to have a successful booty-call relationship. You need to be on the market with a sign on your forehead that reads “open for business”. You are single and still looking to mingle while in a booty-call relationship.
This tactic is a constant reminder to your acquaintance and yourself that you are still playing the field while reaping the benefits of what your acquaintance has to offer. The goal here is to not make yourself readily available whenever your acquaintance decides they want to “chill” or “watch a movie”. Remember the person in the relationship who cares the least always has the upper hand. If your acquaintance forgets that you two are just acquaintances, you need to refer them to the contract you two agreed on. If they want to renegotiate the contract, the only options should be to enter a monogamous relationship or go your separate ways.
Umm, sex without emotions is pointless?!?! Who told M.D that lie? Sex is a great exchange between two people when it is performed right. I also totally disagree that a man should be trying to touch the soul of every woman he sleeps with. A man should only be trying to touch the soul of a woman they are willing to call girlfriend, fiancé or wife. If you are not trying to call a woman one of those titles then you should be trying to make her believe you “Invented Sex”. You should want her to think, “He is the ‘Best I Ever Had’” as you make her “Bedrock” to “Birthday Sex”. The point of having sex without emotions is to satisfy your sexual appetite. We all have sexual urges and desires and sometimes (both men and women) just want to have an itch scratched without any emotions involved. Sex without emotions might not be the best sex but there is a point to it.
Drama only occurs in a booty-call relationship when the two parties do not understand how to make it work.
The booty-call relationship is NOT for everyone, by the way. booty-calls are NOT for you if:
1. You are really looking for a relationship and agreed to be a booty-call to keep the other person around. You will simply get your feelings HURT.
2. You are insecure. If want someone to say and do nice things for you outside of the bedroom then the booty-call relationship is not for you.
3. You are a controlling and overprotective person. The booty-call relationship is about not having control and you are controlling you will only push the other person away. The booty-call relationship is not for you.
4. You have a hard time moving on. If you are a clinger, the booty-call relationship is not for you. You will get left behind for another.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
With blockbuster hits coming out this year (No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits, aka FWB), I began wondering why just sex or the hook-up relationship does not work. In theory, it should work better than the traditional relationship. Two individuals are in agreement that emotions should not be involved and that they are solely seeking the physical portion of a relationship. I have not seen FWB, but I have seen No Strings Attached and it portrayed a similar situation that myself and several of my friends have been a part of. In the beginning, it is the best "decision" that could have been made and everyone is envious of you; but eventually, The Social and Emotional eXchange takes place.
Although many people deny the possibility of this taking place, the fact of the matter is, sex changes things. In every situation, two people are making a social and emotional connection.
The social exchange comes when the two individuals expect their relationship to solely take place in private or in the bedroom; and, for both parties to feel comfortable not acknowledging their situation in public situations. Therefore the entire relationship must be built on a lack of details, and we all know that is impossible in this day and age. Facebook, Google+, Twitter, and FourSquare make keeping details out of a relationship an unrealistic goal. These media sites became and are becoming popular as a result of a society built on the transmission of information and gossip. But if by some miracle, two individuals are able to withstand the social connection, they always seem to understate the emotional connection.
When drawing up the plans to this oasis or perfect relationship, the emotional exchange does not take place. Emotions are usually lumped together with the social aspect; therefore, elimination of the former will automatically destroy the latter. However, this takes place inside the bedroom, in addition to, social encounters. Let's face it, sex without emotion is pointless. One of my good friends once told me, "Every man's goal should be to touch the soul of a woman." To our female readers, next time you ask yourself why your male friend is with a psycho, you now have your reasoning. Emotions cannot be looked at as simply words because they're much more than 'I love you.' Anyone can say those three words, it takes a lot more to actually join an untamed mentality and become one. The use of the “L-word” is for another blog post in the future, but it leads to the point that somewhere down the line, one of the two untamed, loose-spirited individuals involved in the relationship will develop a spark without the Trojan or Lifestyle (or Brooklyn’s Finest for our New Yorkers out there). At another time in the relationship, someone will experience a sense of jealously after seeing or hear that their FWB went home with someone else or has feelings for someone else. Because it is at these points that one party realizes that they want more from their “sex buddy” and that they are lacking a skill/trait that another person does have in their repertoire.
There are only two solutions to the drama of a FWB situation: 1) the drama of a relationship or 2) a one-night-stand (two if it's that good). I'm not saying all relationships are drama-filled, but show me a perfect relationship and I'll show you a problem. Honestly, the only difference between drama from sex only relationships and an actual relationship is the title. And the difference between a one night stand and a sex only relationship are the emotions attached. The Facebook stalking will still take place, but no one can cry or pout over what they never had. So make wise decisions and realize that ignorance is not always bliss. Remember that Facebook has also ruined our ability to remain anonymous. And emotionless sex is not for the emotionally unstable.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Booze, a.c., and a ton of poles, what a great place! I look around and all I see are beautiful flowers with an aroma fitting of angels. The juxtaposition of this place is impossible to deny with the beauty of movement mixed with the tainted desire of the viewers, yet here is where my life changes. I move into a realm of complete and utter paralysis when I see the incredible smile of a woman no man should have the right to lay eyes on. Her flowing hair is unlike anything I have ever seen. She is a goddess and me her temple patron.
Then it happens. I say in a confident yet slightly timid tone “hello, my name is…” and the rest is history. It was like we had always known each other. She laughed at my jokes, always had a drink ready for me when I came to visit, always took me back to her room by the end of the night, it was perfect. Never imagined I would find someone so special. It was like every need I had she catered to, and I had no problem assisting her financially when it was necessary. We were two peas in the pod of ecstasy unmatched. Fooling around is what we did every time we saw each other because she had specific rules about the amount of physical contact allowed. I completely understood like a dog hooked up to those electric fences, just don’t leave the yard, so my hands kept their distance and my mini soldier was never deployed for active duty. I accepted everything because I expected that one day we would have such a special moment on our wedding night that it would be like the Gods wept drowning Mt. Kilimanjaro in the process.
I was wrong, so wrong. I expected this goddess to be “my everything” and me her “all the time”. That never happened. She became “my everything,” but I was just “a great guy”. She was my morning sky, but I was just “really nice”. She was the ketchup to my hotdog, while I was just the pickle juice to her dislike for everything pickle. I was miserable and did not understand how all my expectations for the relationship could be so wrong. It was as if I could not see the writing on the wall that these expectations were totally off the wall. My goddess was really not my goddess; she just made me feel like I was the most important thing to her, when in actuality I was just another guy. I expected a future in which we would have a “Leave it to Beaver” type of life for our kids. None of that happened, none of it, I was a fool. The woman I thought would forever be mine from the first hello was my "never” from my first glimpse of her, but I expected so much, how unrealistic of me.
Unrealistic relationship expectations plague many. Going into any relationship thinking that a person is going to do and live up to certain things is fine, but don’t go too far. It is easy to look for perfection when perfection is not possible in the imperfect perfection of the world. Relationships are the avenue through which you can build goals and have expectations applicable to the mate you have chosen. If you choose a guy who has a terrible track record when it comes to being faithful and you are aware, do not expect that all of a sudden you will be the one to change him. If you choose a woman who is dedicated to gossiping about others, don’t expect that in a year she will just stop. There are those that believe that they can expect changes in their mate over time, by working on them, sorry to burst your bubble, but a duck is a duck. I grant that some people can change but when you expect there to be a change you are almost throwing cake in your own face off the bat.
Now in most relationships that I have seen fail there is always, almost always the element of expecting one partner to make changes in order for it to work. I have no problem with change but I do have a problem with expecting change. Yes, a little confusing but let me explain. Starting an actual monogamous relationship is a contract. It is a contract that stipulates I am willing to be with you and only you because at this point I want no one else but you (It’s a cute little sentiment, I’m a big fan). This point in the relationship is where everything is overwhelming out to bare if you are able to objectively look at what you are getting into (objectivity tends to be a lacking brain function sadly in such situations). The contract negotiation phase is probably the most important, but it seems most people just over look it for the promise of at least a month of jack rabbit humping sessions, leg cramps, and water breaks. Contract negotiating is the space in time when you start having feelings for each other deeper than physical attraction and before you actually make it officially an exclusive tango. During this period there will be some disagreements, noticing some things that may bother you, enjoying things that you may think are great, some sex, a little sex, or no sex (everyone has their own speed), and figuring out whether you want to give up the other options that a world of something like 6 billion people has to offer.
Negotiation's importance is due to the fact that it can set the ground work for what to expect and what not to bank on happening. If you both decide that monogamy is the way to go congratulations but be real with each other. In this period, there can be small issues or big ones and I will try to lay out the difference between these issues and how to handle them if it is a situation that applies to you. I believe that there are some negotiation phases that only have minor issues while others have enormous problems. A small issue could be his constant nail biting before you were going out and it probably is going to be more irritating when you’ve been with him for a year. If her baby voice was cute when you were just trying to hit it but is not now that she is about to be your wifey please speak up. If his burping words are bothersome before being official it’ll probably drive you crazy later. If her constant correcting of the grammar in your sentences when talking pushes buttons now imagine in two years how you might flip. It is so unfortunate when little things that could be addressed in the forefront can ruin a promising relationship, SO SPEAK UP! YOU’RE ADULTS! Nothing worse than a waste of time, well maybe busting a nut too fast but then again if it were a race I would have been Husain Bolt.
My disclaimer for this next paragraph is that the issues that are going to be arisen should be noticed prior to even thinking of a relationship with someone. You cannot get to the little things if the big issues are staring you in the face; it is a useless way to try to build a relationship. If the large issues are there run for the hills or iron them out before locking yourself into a turbulent ride. I digress, with little things addressed now during some negotiations people find themselves in what I call “IF YOU DON’T SEE IT YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT” in short “Benet”. Now this works one of two ways. One way is that the person you are potentially going to go out with is a player, hoe, or overall does not make your life better/easier. I grant that there are times when people can hide this side of them from you and deceive you, but what I mind is that in most cases this is not the case. Most wolves in the relationship world wear wolves' clothing. They usually are right in front of you fangs showing, but sometimes people get caught in seeing that fang as a jewel rather than a tool to devour you, your life, and your other relationships. Now in this case you are getting “Beneted” because just like Halle Berry you married a wolf who convinced you otherwise even though s/he has crimson blood dripping from those pretty fangs making you look like a “Fucking Idiot”(excuse my Mandarin). The other way that “Benet” works is that your potential mate is a freaking gem that has so many qualities that are on your list and more for the perfect mate. The problem here is you don’t see it or won’t see it due to a feeling of needing to keep your options open or just not being able to tell you’ve found one of the good ones. In this case, you are self “Beneting”, ruining a relationship with a person who could be great or is great for you. You are letting your Halle Berry go by your own self destruction. You sir/miss are a “Fucking Idiot” (excuse my English).
With the phase of negotiation being passed, it is time to understand the contract. This is probably the simplest part before signing. People can change for better or for worse when in the confines of a relationship, but to expect after the negotiation phase changes that were not discussed to take place is a fool’s bet. If it was not something handled before signing over your right to other sexual orifices and pipe like structures then do not expect change for your benefit to just happen. It does not work that way and never has. A cheater before marriage is a cheater during marriage and cheater after marriage, unless some supernatural shit happens like the ghosts of intercourses past. Change cannot be forced on another it is for them to take ownership and want to do it. Essentially when the contract is signed the fate of the relationship is now based in the agreements and bylaws within concerning change. So public service announcements “If it’s small SPEAK UP! “ and “Benet is not the way”, as an advocator of healthy long lasting relationships these are slogans geared toward your happiness.By the way “my everything” from earlier in the article was a stripper named Pink Diamond, yea I’m a “Fucking Idiot” (excuse my cough).
Friday, July 8, 2011
If you’ve read us before, then you know what this is. If not, here’s how it goes: you email your question to Thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com, and we then answer your question. But this time we have done more than just answer. Our answer has been particularly designed to enhance your sex life. Enjoy.
Question: What songs would you put in a play list to listen to during sex? I'd say a play list is 5 songs or more.... unless you don't think it will last that long. Also (for good fun), I'd be very interested to know what you'd like to watch someone strip tease to.
The Birds and the Bees Do More than Dance and Romance 2011 Summer Sextape
- Kelly Rowland feat. Lil Wayne - “Motivation”
- Usher – “How Do I Say”
- Ginuwine – “So Anxious”
- R. Kelly – “Bump and Grind”
- Darey – “Tonight”
- Chris Brown – “Take You Down”
- Trey Songz – “Invented Sex”
- The-Dream – “Falsetto”
- Usher – “That’s What It’s Made For”
- LL Cool J – “Doin It Well”
- Young Money – “Bedrock”
- Ginuwine – “Pony”
- 112 – “Peaches and Cream”
- Twista feat. Tia London – “2012”
- Kid Cudi – “Pillow Talk”
The Strip Tease Song Request:
MD: T-Pain’s “Long Lap Dance Song.” The title explains itself.
The Watcher: Juvenile’s “Slow Motion.” “When she workin that back, I don't know how to act.” This song definitely sets the mood for a strip tease.
The Radical: The song would match her intention: “Motivation” by Kelly Rowland feat Lil Wayne. Hips swaying to the smooth rhythm. Every article of clothing hitting the ground on beat… yeah… Just like that.
Regardless of how amazing the sextape is, the Birds and the Bees’ Staff always thinks these things through. What if our calculations for proper playlist creation don’t hold true for your libido’s distinct variables? Well, Mr. SR…C has done some additional research and created the perfect playlist for the outliers.Mr. SR...C: Well if you really want to know my playlist would be whatever show was on at the moment. There is nothing better than getting knee deep with Sportscenter on, thinking “Damn! This is some good pussy, but did this man Lebron really dunk on Damon Jones like that!” or watching Game of Thrones thinking “She got dragons! Can’t believe I have to wait ‘til 2012 to see this shit again, but woooweee this girl riding me like I got a six figure salary!... lil’ man gotta hold out for a least 10 more minutes, think I’ll switch the channel and put on First 48”. Now as far as what I would like someone to strip tease to well it is quite simple. All I need is silence maybe a little dirty talk, but if you really trying to get freaky I got this rain stick, a rain stick named splash waterfalls.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
By A Member of the Birds and Bees’ Staff
The little black dress, black heels to match and rose-red lipstick combination provides one of the rare moments in time that both men and women can agree on the word “sexy”- other than the moment which will hopefully be following, of course. Women have the uncanny ability to make the term extremely objective and ambiguous; however, many women often feel sexiest and most confident when they are in make-up, walking out from a hair appointment, and heading home to put on the dress that they bought for the specific occasion. Men, on the other hand, seem to fit into categories- intelligent, manly, wealthy, or average Joe- which attract particular women. The same may be said for women, but a wise man once told me that “men are creatures of habit”. Which explains the reason why women are able to attract a variety of men; and, men are only able to attract a specific type of woman. That and the fact that the majority of men tend to describe the perfect woman through a vivid description of their measurements, eye color and skin tone. Therefore, I find it interesting that most women would say they feel sexiest in a cliché outfit such as the black dress ensemble.
There are a couple typical definitions of the term “sexy”. The first of which being defined by what a woman wears, or their level of confidence. The second definition is based on what a woman doesn’t wear, or their lack of confidence. You may be asking yourself or at least wondering why the definition of a word with only four letters could have such a confusing definition, and, still manage to have a significant impact on the dating lives of everyone one at the bar/club. If your answer is, that everyone defines the term differently based on their individual preference, I will not disagree with you; but, I will say that you’re not sexy if you believe in that broad, impersonal, and Websterian answer. I will even go as far to say that there is a universal outfit/trait that is found sexy. With that said, there is nothing sexier than the Truth.
In addition to the high heels, red lipstick, and the classic little black dress, a woman can be as sexy in a hoodie and ripped denim jeans. Women that are not defined by the overused adjective, but do the defining of it are those that know they are the same woman whether they are stomping in their Jimmy Choos or running in their workout shoes. I know that is a little extreme and by no means am I suggesting that a dinner dress with heels is no longer sexy because if my girlfriend showed up ready to go out in one…we wouldn’t leave the house. But to be honest- since this is The Birds and the Bees- if she threw on a pair of shorts and one of my hoodies, I’d be equally as excited to stay home with her and listen to our playlist- on random, level of difficulty increased. When going out on the weekends, it is obvious which women try harder than others and which women are able to enjoy themselves by being confident in their own way. Women that know their true self, display a sense of confidence that can be detected by everyone- including other women; while a woman that dresses or accessorizes to the latest trend tends to spew a false sense of security and self-identification. I’m proud to say that I do not have one male friend that would take a woman’s physical appearance and rate it over their genuineness. Our parents always told us that personality counts. This did not register when we were younger because we (including myself) were busy laughing at them/making jokes about the girl in class that did not have the name brand jeans (looking back, I guess I did learn everything I needed to know in Kindergarten). As you move on from this article and live your everyday life, try to remember that the truth will come out at some point. It’s whether or not it was previously known or a secret that was meant to stay as such, that will make the difference. So for future reference, life changes and people change, but the Truth doesn’t.
Friday, July 1, 2011
“I'm Your Man” by Leonard Cohen needs to be on your playlist. Which one? The Playlist. The one you have for a very specific reason. You know...doing it.
That is the topic at hand: the playlist. The playlist is not a universal constant, but it seems to be a staple for males in college to have one. Those of course being males that enjoy listening to music during sex. But this crucial sex tool is not restricted to males or any age group. There are two main reasons for why a person has a playlist: 1.) s/he enjoys listening to music during sex because it adds something to the mood or motion and/or 2.) it's about to get loud and the attempt can at least be made to mask the moans, groans, and screams...and possibly the sound of a nice, hard slap on the buttocks.
This was going to be a case study of how these playlists function and differentiate per person, but my only in-depth research subject was myself... and my playlists just don't translate to most people. Having said that, I have a playlist that would make sense to a majority of the audience, but that isn't really for sex. That is the “you should have a chance to get to know me before I turn on the real music” playlist for pre-hook up conversation and the beginnings of foreplay. That is the playlist that includes R&B, Soul, light Hip-Hop, etc.
There is a conflict here. This initial playlist is full of songs I like, but the theme and genres are chosen for dual purposes: they uphold the novelty for white girls and downplay a different kind of novelty for Black girls. Yes, there are instances where Black men accept that they are getting laid based on the novelty of their skin for their lighter-skinned playmate. That's a topic for another time. So, in the end, this list is a purposeful playlist with functionality that is more political than sexual. But, as is true to life, I'd rather discuss the sex instead of the politics.
I've got two main playlists that I like to listen to during sex. One was made during my slutty period which was a lot like Picasso's Blue Period, except with more titties involved. This list is full of Death Metal, Black Metal, Industrial, and one acoustic intro song. By the time there was the necessary trust established to engage in the act, the R&B was over and the Metal could begin. The music was then a clear indicator for what was next to occur. As a friend used to say, “Let's get weird.”
The second playlist was made after my slutty period was over. This playlist is much more intimate. The tone of the composition is just as dark as the slutty playlist, but the genres are lighter and the music was more endearing than endangering. These were “Songs to Choke Your Spouse To.” Loving title, no? This list includes the Leonard Cohen song suggested earlier, Mazzy Star, Depeche Mode, The Used, Morrissey, The Gorillaz, etc.
Enough about me, more about the purpose. A person's playlist indicates a lot about them as a lover. There are those political choices made constantly that makes an R&B playlists necessary even for those that find their favorite genres to listen to during the act are all but R&B. Music is meant to set a mood. That mood at times isn't directly “sexy time.” Playlists set the tone for what is to come next and how exactly that will be. Some have an ever-growing playlist that just gets added to and put on shuffle. These people prefer a random supplement for their stroke or stride (Yeah, I like “stride” as the female counterpart to the stroke). With rhythm, the shuffle adds a layer of motivation to constantly alternate and diversify stroke and position. If “Sexual Eruption” comes on please believe the song and sex will both be doggy style.
So in what way should these list be interpreted? There are three major things to check for: genres, flow, lyrics.
1. Genres – The list that begins with Ginuwine's “Pony” eludes to a more rhythmic, “freaky” time than the loving, passionate experience suggested by the list that begins with LSG's “My Body.” When Today is the Day's “I See you” segues to Waiting Mortuary's “Heaven's Decent unto Ashes” there is a more aggressive tone than that suggested by the transition from Twista's “It Feels So Good” to Kelly Rowland and Lil Wayne's “Motivation.” How the genres are mixed and intermingled in this playlist show a general trend in how the music-playing partner approaches the process of having sex. Slow R&B gives way to light Rap with R&B singers on the hooks with lyrics suggestive of hypermasculine tendencies toward sex gives way to the poppier R&B songs with faster paces and sexual lyrics, and from there it really just depends on his or her longevity for how the playlist continues. Sounds familiar, no? Feel free to give me the Dave Matthews fan's equivalent of this.
2. Flow – There is a pace established by how the songs give way to one another. This is not true for those that shuffle their playlists, but those are just strange people anyway. I have a thought on “Shufflers” needing the constant switch to stay focused and in the game, but I won't go too far into that. Here's an example if you'll forgive the social location: slow R&B gives way to light Rap with R&B singers on the hooks with lyrics suggestive of hypermasculine tendencies toward sex which then gives way to the poppier R&B songs with faster paces and sexual lyrics, and from there it really just depends on his or her longevity for how the playlist continues (if at all). Sounds familiar, no? Feel free to give me the Dave Matthews fan's equivalent of this.
3. Lyrics - “Love” isn't in the playlist from the slutty era. Not once. The music sets the mood, but it shouldn't lie. There's no Dashboard, no Fall Out Boy, no Jets to Brazil, no emo shit of any kind. Nothing worse than being mid-kiss and realizing that Duffy's “Stepping Stone” just followed Adele's “Chasing Pavements”...and is that the intro to “Bittersweet”?
In conclusion, the playlist has a crucial function that is always taken for granted. It can serve as the driving force behind the sex you are having, but more importantly, the playlist is a political choice influenced by music you like and more heavily influenced by the motivations you have for your listening partner. Why are the first three songs on his playlist “Party in the U.S.A.”, “3”, and “Paparazzi”? Because she's still drunk and excited and the music maintains that enthusiasm. The next song is The Notorious B.I.G.'s “Fuck You Tonight.” Energy and intentions displayed.