Q&A: Friends After the Fact

You may have noticed that we recently rearranged our schedule. Tuesdays and Thursdays are our regularly scheduled posts. We currently write under three major headers: “The Birds”, “The Bees”, and “Q&A”. “The Birds” is the weekly post every Tuesday rotating between the Birds and the Bees' Staff. Alternating as necessary, “The Bees” and “Q&A” are posted every Thursday. “The Bees” is the opportunity for any of the other three members of the Birds and the Bees Staff that weren't scheduled for the week to respond or simply get a thought off their chest. Kinda like Freestyle Fridays, but the prewriting is always better here with a much smoother delivery. “Q&A” is the same as always. For those of you not hip to the boogie, you send your question to thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com and we respond. Now you even know when to expect answers.

Without further ado...

Question: So I've been thinking recently, especially after reading the last two posts centered around the FWBs of the world, and also some of my own personal run-ins/encounters of late-- is it ever truly possible to develop and/or maintain a friendship post messing around? I feel like it's always addressed when it comes to friendship post an actual bf/gf relationship, but what about when you're in the FWB zone heavy for a couple of months and it dissipates for whatever reason-- does that mean cut all ties forever or what?

Answers:

The Watcher: This is a very sticky situation all around. There are so many variables that have to be accounted for that it is difficult to give you a clear yes or no answer. The best thing to do is to treat your former hook up as if they lived half way across the world. Stay in touch from time to time, small talk. Anything beyond this and you run the risk of stirring up old flames which can cause you to go around the "Mulberry Bush" once again.

MD:Yes, the point was to be able to be friends after it was all said and done, but let’s be honest, when
do things ever go according to plan? It would be nice to have a friendship with the person, but when you begin a future relationship, how are you going to explain your connection with your previous FWB? If you say that you won’t mention that part, realize that your new relationship is built on lies- evasion of the truth is a lie; and, if you do mention it, your current counterpart will always question your friendship in the back of their mind. So yes, it would be nice, but not realistic.

The Radical: There is a clear distinction between someone you fuck on a consistent basis but aren't dating and a friend with benefits. Someone you are fucking gets cut when you're done fucking. A friend with benefits is in the gray area when the two parties decide to remove the benefits from their relationship. You can try and go back to just being friends. Good luck. This requires the removal of the sexual attraction that was once there. Why? Because you have set a precedent and once that's there it's much harder to come up with good answers to “Why aren't we having sex right now?” It's been done before, but there has to be good reason for you two to not have sex, like a disfiguring car accident or the contraction of some STD... or one of you starts dating someone else. Be wary, that last reason still may not protect you.

Mr. SR...C: It is possible to maintain a friendship post genital to genital combat as long as both sides are not jealous of the others' future conquests. Honestly, the only reasons to cut all ties from a FWB situation are that one of the parties is too emotionally invested in the other or the ability to watch the other with a new partner drives one crazy. It’s simple, very simple, but most lose sight of that and, in turn, ruin the possibility of a friendship. If you are catching feelings please voice so immediately to avoid complications. We avid proponents of the beauty of FWBs would love a couple weeks notice to ease off of habitually blowing your back out. Just ease off the usage after you realize you have caught feelings and using a mutually understood technique friendship can hopefully still happen. Plus going cold turkey sucks, unless you have a couple of tenderonis on standby.

Hmmmmmm Tenderonis….

If it looks like a dead end, has a sign like a dead end, then it's a...

Q&A time again, kids! The formula hasn't changed. Our email address (Thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com) plus your desire to have a question answered equals a Q&A post! It's like algebra, but way better.

Oh! Ladies, if you are easily offended and hate acknowledging the truth sometimes, read a different post.

Question: I am having a problem with a young lady. We are not dating but we are very very very close if you know what I'm saying. Now she has said many times we are not together but when I act that way she gets all mad and calls me insensitive and inattentive to her emotional well being. But my whole thing is this, BITCH THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR!! I buy you flowers and you act weird. I talk sweet to you and you push me away. So I ease up and just do me and now she’s all pissy. What would you do?

Answers:
Mr. SR…C: If someone does not want to be with you and you want more than they are willing to give move on. You’re a place holder until she finds someone she wants to be with, harsh but when she says she does not want to be with you she means it. Clearly she is giving you every reason to find another woman or stop messing with her but you will not take it. When she finally hurts your feelings she probably will say “I told you we were not together, so I can’t see why you are mad that I found someone else”.

Listen to James and Bobby Purify “I’m Your Puppet”…sounds like whoever this young lady is has had some practice pulling strings.

The Radical: I can’t remember who said to me that “bitches like to be disrespected,” and although the wording is more…well, no, I wouldn’t word it any differently out of earshot of some women (i.e. respectable women). You have the option to pursue her as you are currently, hoping that she realizes that the games aren’t working, or you can play the game better and just stop. She's either telling you the truth when she behaves like the relationship route isn't one she wants to walk down (actions speak louder than megaphones) or she's fronting like that Pharrell song and not really worth the effort anyways, unless you enjoy the thought of dating (or just being exclusive with) a girl that is going to continuously play those power struggle games of constantly proving one's worth and desire. Fuck that.

MD: I'm sorry to tell you...actually no I'm not, nobody wants what they can have (look at yourself for example). You gave her every option, the ability to make every decision, and the right to your pride before she would even call you her man. This is harsh, but this is a learning experience for you. In the future, you will not put anyone woman above yourself nor will you allow a woman to dictate your life and agenda. So give her what she wants and if she comes chasing, you'll run away faster; but if she doesn't, you'll move on the next one...and the next one, and the next one.

The Watcher: I once heard in the power struggle of a relationship, the one that cares the least or appears to care the least has the upper hand. Right now you are like a sad puppy dog chasing after a moody owner who picks and chooses when she will give you the attention you deserve. So you can either fight or flight. Fight to get on the same page by demanding she practices what she is preaching or play Trey Songz' "Last Time" after you tell her you are taking your talents to South Beach to swim in another girl's ocean.

Q&A: "I Don't See Nothing Wrong..." Unless...

It's Q&A time again. The formula is simple. You email us at Thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com and we respond. You should ask us deep questions. You should bring controversy to our blog. We will respond just as deeply and be just as provocative… or more so.

Question: I was hoping that The Birds and the Bees team could explore whether the idea of a couple going to parties/clubs together is a good idea or not. Consider things like whether it's acceptable for the couple to go off and dance with other club goers. If they go partying with a group does it make a difference if they dance with mutual friends or someone they used to date? If your stance is that it's okay to dance with others then would it be cool to explore what kind of dancing is appropriate and what's off limits? Would you place two stepping and close contact reggae dancing in the same category?

Answers:

The Radical: I watch her move from across the room like a hawk. Her hips so smooth, her body moving in ways so familiar to me…and she is all mine, even now when she’s dancing with him. We set these boundaries and for a reason. She is not limited to any style or genre; she may do as she pleases. If his hands wander, I’ll cut them off. The ex is an interesting variable in the equation because this is a person that knows her too, if you know what I mean. He should just stay away from her… forever.

MD: My personal opinion on the topic is simple. If you are not able to be yourself around your significant other in any environment or at any time, then that says something about your relationship. That being said, when you acquire a significant other, dancing with other individuals should not resemble any type of intimacy; thus, you should feel free to two-step and Cupid Shuffle, but bodily contact shouldn't take place (i.e. grinding). Life is too short to be in a relationship that does not allow you to enjoy the little things in life, but relationships are too delicate to approach with reckless abandonment.

The Watcher: Communication is the essential piece to answering any question. I suggest you two sit down and figure out how you would feel about your significant other dancing with other people. If you won't lose sleep over it because you know at the end of the day you know they are coming home to you, and then you both should go out and enjoy yourself. However, if you have an issue with your partner dancing with others, explicitly describe what part of it bothers you so you two can be on the same page. Dancing with ex's should never be allowed.

Mr. SR...C: Going to a party\club with your mate only works if you have the same idea of what is acceptable. I am of the opinion as long as she is coming home with me dancing is dancing. You should be able to enjoy those types of environments with your bf/gf if that is what you like to do for fun. If you are confident in your relationship, dancing should not matter unless you turn around and your mate is gone with their dance partner, in a bathroom stall drowning out the music with a couple moans and a few grunts, just saying.

p.s. after that talk about a bathroom stall I think I need to watch Step Brothers....

Q&A: “When is it Over Protective?”

Since this is the first, allow us to introduce the concept. You, the readers, email us questions at Thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com. We, The Birds and the Bees' staff, answer them. Having four writers, perspectives, etc. means that we had to choose between either coming to a consensus or just responding independently. We chose the latter.

Question: I'm insanely curious about the logic behind guys being protective/over protective of your significant other. Do they think you're out cheating (Trust issue)... are they insecure... or do they just need to be in contact with you 24/7? [Context provided, but excluded for confidentiality reasons] is this going too far?!?! or am I just being naive (generally its the latter but I figured you guys could shed some light on my dilemma)

Answers:

MD: The jealous beau dates back to when men fought to the death to win a woman's heart. Since history does tend to repeat itself, I think we all know the answer to this question points to one of the 7 Wonders of Relationships: insecurity. Reader, you have named several factors that often contribute to what many may consider to be the cause of jealousy (e.g. trust issues, one party being naïve, and another party being delusional). All of these factors lead up to and contribute to an insecurity that may have been caused by personal relationship experience or tales of the lonely and single, either way, without a discussion with your significant other, this can only get worse and become destructive to your relationship. Unless you're one of the millions of women out there that secretly enjoy this trait, and in that case, stay away from my Team and the other good guys out there before we receive another question similar to this one.

The Radical: As a(n) (over)protective boyfriend I have to say that we generally have the same kinds of reasons, but each of us have different behavioral manifestations of this (over)protectiveness, such that my unconcerned feelings about my girlfriend walking around, hanging out, and talking to guys when I'm not around [in close proximity (n)or in the same setting] doesn't particularly worry me because I trust her, but this trust does not extend to the guys she is interacting with, so when I am in observance of some behavior on his part that would signal that he is hitting on her I will (literally) step in. This isn't a trust issue that exists between her and me; instead it is a general distrust of other males since it holds true that "a dog is a dog." Some males have an oversensitivity brought on by having an attractive girlfriend called "My girlfriend is the sexiest woman in any room at any given time, so it stands to reason that other guys are going to hit on her because if I were them and saw her, even with her boyfriend (i.e. me) around, I would still try and hit on her" syndrome. Ladies, you thrive on less severe cases of this condition; however, severe symptoms exhibited by the male result in the ridiculous need to constantly be in touch, a latent, crippling fear of other men having opportunities to see/ hit on you, and, occasionally, lackluster performance in bed due to embedded insecurities in his comparative attractiveness and ability to satisfy you. Reader, if he cannot be reassured after one good night with continuous panted, sighed, and moaned exclamations of your being as his and his alone, then he is insecure and cannot be cured, so why waste the time on therapy?

The Watcher: A protective boyfriend is one who has insecurities of his own as a result of a previous experience or because of his desire to be in total control. He knows how other guys think and is fearful that the right guy will whisper the right words in your ear that will cause you to leave him. In order to prevent this from happening he attempts to instill fear in you by investigating everyone you come in contact with, constantly interrogating, and going through your life. It’s him, not you. He should count it as a compliment that men or women are attracted to you. Smothering you is a way of covering his issues.

Mr. SR...C: When it comes to protective/over protective males and females over their significant other there is a myriad of reasons. Could be infidelity in the past of their prior partner or infidelity that they themselves committed? Could be insecurity born from personal internal doubt? Could be that they’re crazy? No matter their reasoning it all comes down to a gross lack of trust. If you have to hound your significant other constantly when they are out of your physical reach and are scared of them being approached by interested parties, then you probably do not need to be with them or need to evaluate your personal issues with trust. Why would you not want your significant other to turn heads? Is that not a good reflection on you? Doesn’t the kid in the playground with the best water gun want the other kids to salivate over his Super Soaker X255000 with Dual blast technology and backpack tank? Without the foundation of trust a relationship is bound to be volatile and fail. Lack of trust is like termites in a home, silently destructive until the point where the house crumbles, but if caught before it’s too late there are measures that can save and make the home stronger.