The Bees: What Men Really Want: The True 50's Housewife

By The Radical

I disagree. The Watcher is completely off base on this one. I don't want a mother. I don't want a motherly figure. I want a slave. I want a pet. I want the true essence of the 50's housewife. Fact of the matter is June Cleaver and Amy Winehouse were popping horse tranquilizers at the same rate. The mother only appears motherly because she did as she was told and was so heavily sedated that her only emotional option was enthusiasm. Take note that enthusiasm is not synonymous with happiness. The Watcher indicates that men want some far removed version of that 1950's ideal. I want a modified version of the reality...and sir, you probably do too. Ladies, if you are reading this, take heed.

A Member of the Birds and the Bees' Staff steadily quotes the movie “Labyrinth” (1986), starring David Bowie, in which the antagonist and paramour, Jareth, says to the object of his desire, “Love me, fear me, obey me and I will be your slave!” This is the depiction of what men really want from a woman. Simultaneously, it tells us what men want in a woman as well.

Consider the notion of reciprocity that exists in most relationships. This notion is hardly what it claims to be. What most people consider reciprocity in a relationship is really a bartering system in which the woman gives certain things and the man gives others in the end creating a harmony not created of two separate versions of the same thing melded together, but instead one built of interlocking, but unique pieces that make it a “fair trade.” Thus, every relationship involves a power dynamic. But what this really means is that men like Jareth the Goblin King take the time and energy to create these elaborate labyrinths for women as gifts for which the reciprocal gifts are her love and obedience. He provides, not only so she doesn't have to, but so that she can and must rely on him.

Quite frankly, the 1950's housewife is an appropriate depiction of what men want, but not the ideal prototype which immediately comes to mind. Men want the reality of the 1950's housewife as just that, a housewife, not a mother... unless there are kids, and then it's only so he can continue his life uninterrupted. I have no interest in pausing this DVRed episode of House just to parent some children. “Go ask your mother for some cereal, she should already be in the kitchen.”

The reality of the 1950's housewife is subordination, drug use, and a focus on the man's happiness as the crux of the household's happiness. From these characteristics comes actions that could be interpreted as “ encouraging, comforting, and supportive.” Focusing on the image of the 1950's housewife as a housewife instead of a mother shifts the idea that “a mother understands her son’s ambitions, goals and dreams and inspires him to pursue them” into the necessary treatment of her significant other such that she understands her significant other's ambitions, goals, and is required to inspire him to pursue them as they are directly tied to her quality of life.

The Watcher distinguishes between which motherly characteristics are best exhibited by a girlfriend in three points, but the second and third points are motherly characteristics which he suggests be avoided or mediated. This mediation is unnecessary if the metaphor is applied properly. She is not the 1950's mother to her man; she is his housewife.

Take a look at Rosie Millard's 2008 article in The Sunday Times for a view of the modern woman roleplaying as the 1950's housewife. Aside from the missing horse tranquilizers, Millard provides us with a contemporary example and gives us the space to suggest that this is what men really want. The modern woman more likely than not wants this too, but of her male counterpart.

The Birds: "What Men Want": Mother vs. Motherly Figure

By The Watcher

One of my favorite movies of all time is “What Women Want”. It is a funny and idealistic depiction of what it is like to be inside the mind of a female. In the movie, the main character, played by Mel Gibson, is blessed with the ability to read women’s minds. Throughout the movie, he discovers that what he thought he knew about the opposite sex was extremely limited. By reading women’s mind he was able to understand the complex internal struggle women go through on a daily basis. I always wondered if they would make a movie called “What Men Want” but then I realized that it would be too inappropriate to become a mainstream movie and is probably already an adult film. Although men do think about sex more than women, there are things that men need from their potential mate when they decide to settle. There are things besides sexual prowess that men seek in women.

Men today go through a stage in their life when they play the field to see how many women they can obtain. We see it as a challenge that we were born to embark on. The goal is to see how many times we can stick our flag poles in new territories (see what I did there). Throughout the quest some feelings are hurt, hearts are broken and new strokes are developed. However, there comes a point when most men grow tired of the irrepressible desire to hunt and wish to settle down with a compatible mate. When this time comes, there are some specific characteristics men look for outside of the physical arena. I’m writing this article to describe to women what men need. This may sound overly simple and to some it may come off as obvious. However, knowing these character traits and actually having these traits are a completely different story.

First and foremost, the first relationship men usually have with the opposite sex is typically with their mother or some type of motherly figure. For those of you that never thought of this, the mother/motherly figure is not universal. The role of a mother varies from country to country, city to city, and family to family. Therefore, the role of a mother in this article relates more to the ideal, 1950’s American version of what a mother is/ was. The motherly figure I am referring to has 3 distinct traits. She is encouraging, comforting and supportive. A mother understands her son’s ambitions, goals and dreams and inspires him to pursue them. Now do not get me wrong ladies, I am NOT asking you to be your man’s mother. Nevertheless, men are looking for qualities in women that are typically used to describe mothers. There is a fine line between being the girlfriend with these character traits and being his mother. Boys need a mother. Men need a woman with motherly qualities. Let me tell you what I mean:

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  A mother offers encouragement, comfort and support with no expectations of getting anything in return. Both partners in a relationship have needs and they must be fed. If you feed each other’s needs, you will both be satisfied.



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  A mother still wants to control her child’s life. If you smother your man, he will resent you. Instead, you should develop more of a supportive role. If you observe some weak areas in your man’s life that he is too proud to acknowledge; bring it to his attention. Remember you cannot change a man but you can help him grow and develop into a mature man.



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  Most mothers do not hold their children accountable; you should not follow in the same footsteps, because many men say that their girlfriend is important to them but that is not always what their actions reveal. Men assume the relationship will always be there, by default, until one day she is gone. Therefore, ask your man to make his priorities match his commitments. If he is committed to you, he should not have you at the bottom of his priority list.

Relationships are similar to baking a cake. Not only do you need the right ingredients but you need the proper amount of each ingredient. Too much water or too few eggs will lead to a strange tasting cake that no one will enjoy. When it comes to being encouraging, comforting and supportive, as women, you must be able to discern how and when to use these traits. Using too much of a particular trait will make you seem like the mom who still breast feeds her 10 year old son. Using not enough of a particular trait will make you seem like the Wicked Witch of the West. Balance is the key to every relationship. Using these ingredients wisely to strengthen your current relationship or use them to create a new relationship.

The Birds: Longevity

By MD

Talking with a friend of mine, I realized that there is a common trait in long-term relationships that suddenly take a turn for the worse. There is often a lack of short-term memory. There are plenty of people in relationships that are only in them because they’ve “been together for so long”. If you are constantly complaining about your significant other and your only explanation for still being together is the aforementioned reasoning, then you should re-evaluate how you would like this relationship to end. Far too often, people feel that have come too far to go backwards. In response to that, I’d like to ask you, how far have you actually gone if you’re still arguing about topics from the first month? Even though the equation “you + me = us” does make sense, it does not help predict the life expectancy of a relationship. “Us” is a variable, not a constant.

If you are one of the unfortunate members of the majority that are forced to face the fork in the road with one side showing a stop sign; and the other side not showing an end in sight, which road do you take? If the relationship ends before one person picks out baby names and china patterns, the two people involved are not left wondering, “what happened?” If the relationship is ended right before a weekend getaway at the family cabin, then angry and emotional status updates via Facebook may become a part of both individuals near future. Either way, the end result is the same. The downward spiral of complacency has come to a halt. Although one scenario leaves one person hating the opposite sex for a month or two because “they finally opened up”, it provides an opportunity for both people to continue on with the rest of their lives and avoid a predestined dead end.

There are plenty of adults who do not realize this is the case until they are knocking on the door of being the woman with all the cats or the old man that hates everyone. According to your support group, the fact that s/he will not fully commit and you are “running out of time” to get married at a “decent” age is a great reason to abandon ship. When, in actuality, you have been setting sail without a breeze for years! Personally, I do not believe in a small window of opportunity to get married or an age where you should adopt animals and become the next Bronx Zoo. Experience has shown me that, as humans we try to see the potential in people, but we all know that potential that does not soon become apparent will eventually be seen as underachievement. Although you may think that underachievement is only being performed by the person who has the memory span of a goldfish, it is in fact underachievement by both persons involved. Allowing someone to hold you back and use you as a crutch hinders your own ability to grow. Think back to the kid who cheated off your test and then got a better grade than you because they screwed up one of your answers.

Looking back at the end of a relationship, we will always have a spot in our hearts for that companion that never became what we needed; but, creating a feeling of regret within the relationship is much worse. Relationships can either be quicksand or rolling hills. You can either completely lose yourself in the sinking pit of bullshit or be lucky enough to endure ups and downs on a hillside. This article is not to suggest that you should break up with someone because they picked up the wrong type of milk. The point is that if they keep forgetting your birthday/anniversary, you may need to reconsider that double sink and man cave you two have been designing. Allowing someone to stay on life-support within a relationship can be defined as cruel and unusual punishment. R.I.P Terry Schiavo.

Forgive Him for He Knows Not What He Says: A Letter to B. Rhatican

By The Radical, Mr. SR...C, and The Watcher

The following letter is a response to an opinion piece published in our Alma mater's newspaper, The Collegian. You can find the original article here.

Dear Brendan,

Although I applaud you for the courage to voice such a controversial opinion despite its lack of warrants, the massive holes in your logic, and your obvious resentment for the beautiful nature of the modern woman, there is too much wrong with what you're saying for me to agree with you, despite all my dick-dragging, heteronormative woman-bashing.

“He clearly knows nothing about fashion because fashion does not dictate looking like a slut, period. He is mad he cannot get a wife. How about he stops complaining and finds a wife. He probably wants the girls that look “slutty”. That's why he mad. Dude is lame.”

You begin by directly requesting that women, in general, “wear more clothes.” Your only warrant for this is that “it is becoming increasingly difficult for [you] to look at [a woman] as a woman.” It's strange that you would request women to alter their behavior based on your inability to cope mentally with...what I'm willing to assume is life, but, in this instance and letter, women act as a synecdoche for what appears to be your discomfort with your own personal sexuality. Don't worry, even if you are suffering a lack of sexual activity that isn't streaming online, the concept of sexuality can still be applied to you, in theory.

To say that women have stripped themselves of what makes them beautiful is not a statement reflecting upon women, it hardly even rests in the conservative nostalgia that you poorly attempt to couch your opinion in. What you have clearly indicated is that you are unable to perceive anything beyond what you can see and you have no desire to get to know a woman once you have your mental images recorded for your midday “alone time.” Really, what you are saying is that you are incapable of knowing anything about a woman. Ever. Once you have any leeway to impose sexual thoughts upon her body, YOU make her into an object, regardless of her dress. Tighter clothes just make it easier. What you have is a personal cognitive problem, probably related to your poor impulse control and obsessive compulsive sexual thoughts.

You attempt to petrify the idea of womanhood as this notion of “authenticity” based on her virginity and chastity. So, your mother had a kid, how is her womanhood holding up? I'm willing to bet she lost her virginity to birth you. How much of her beauty went as she released you into the world?

Offended? Too close to home? See, you speak of women, but you don't know what you are actually saying. You must be talking about a certain kind of girl...the one always beyond your reach. Don't hate her because she is beautiful. Hiding what you long for under layers of fabric doesn't make it any more attainable, nor does it add anything to her personality, nor does it speak about her personal choices sexually, nor does it make her any more chaste of virginal. Your view is a mask for your lack of respect for women because you find them sexually attractive and the suggested additional clothing is simply a veil of ignorance for you that masks people's personal choices. Is this how you cover up your personal downfalls, looser jeans? No need to answer. We already know you write opinion letters and hide behind your own audacity for this.

“Yes, go in, please. I would get too personal with him, question his bitchassness. Any dude that blames girls for going for a “bad boy” in an article that is about female “slutty” clothing is mad at some bitch. What does a girl dressing like a sliz have to do with her liking “bad boys?” Doesn't seem connected. She attracts all boys. Clearly, this kid is still attracted, but just says he lacks respect which is warranted [in some contexts, but not the one he identifies and certainly not how he identifies it], but a spade is a spade.”

Your final full paragraph is a testament to your personal failures and inabilities. Let's respond in order. You have no control over your sexual desires. You only perceive women as an object to acquire and feel the need to “flirt” as a means to an end. You know that no woman would want to spend the rest of her life with you, that you she'd get to know in time, so you feel the need to marry first and disappoint later. This is called entrapment. You have a fetish for chastity and don't know how to communicate this in the bedroom. And you will never get to know a woman's character because you yourself are a very shallow puddle, not because of what she wears.

“He should just go to places where women behave in the manner that he likes. Such as nursing homes, Amish farms, the Middle East or old bible belt churches. You can't go to a club or frat party or lodge and have these expectations. He is setting himself up to not find the type of woman he is searching for.”

There are definitely real men out there, but you, sir, are not one of them. You are play acting the role of a man by merely projecting hyper-masculine, artificially-nostalgic, idiotic views about chastity and virginity as the essence of one's value and character that I would bet money you do not hold about men. Chivalry is dead because of guys like you that bastardized what it means to be chivalrous. And bitches that take that shit for granted, but bitches and women are two completely different topics.

“I also love how dudes are like this. Dude is full of it. If you think a chick looks like a slut and have an issue with it...don't date her. End of story.”

The Birds: The Art of Treating Women Well

By The Radical

Fellas, please allow me to speak to you about a fine art I have spent a lifetime studying: the elegant, laborious, and crucial art of treating women well. The first thing you need to know about women is that they are not bitches. They may have been bitches, they may one day become bitches, but women are never bitches. That is what makes them women.

How one treats his woman well is an art because while there are genres, rules, styles, trends, etc., there is not an exact science. Theorems about women always fall through when you need them most (in a bar mid-conversation, while writing your wedding vows, during the fight that will make or break you after your six year anniversary, the list goes on). The main feature of this art is what it is not and it certainly is not the craft of training your bitch.

To train your bitch, one must:

1. Make it so that one’s personal happiness is the focal point of one’s interactions with this bitch.



2. Secure the position of power. The easiest method of this is to simply care the least about the relationship itself and your continued interactions with this bitch.
   


3. Properly demonstrate the extent of one’s sexual prowess infrequently to compel this bitch to stick around, while still putting one’s own needs first.



4. Fulfill the superficial needs of this bitch. Fact of the matter is bitches be shoppin’ and not just at the Gap.

That, of course, is a small lesson on the dark arts. Those are the critical pillars of that particular school of thought, by no means the totality. Only these four pieces are needed to distinguish this from the fine art of treating women well. To treat one’s woman well you must never act toward her as if she was a bitch. She might occasionally act like one and that time she said something you are pretty sure was a well-disguised jab at your mother you wanted to call her one, but your woman is never a bitch. We have a different word for that: “woman.” Nonsensical? Yes, and that is the point. Ever spent a good amount of time with a woman? Exactly.

There are four basic tenants to treating a woman well:

1. Be willing to go beyond positioning her happiness as the centerpiece of your relationship; place it alongside yours. When you perceive her wants and needs as important as you do your own you make it so that your happiness coincides with yours. Making her happy makes you happy. This is much more stable and healthy than the complete sacrifice of considerations of your happiness for hers because it is less draining, thus more easily maintained for a long period of time, and the intermingling of what makes you happy as individuals increases the likelihood of knowing what makes you a happy couple.



2. Remember that power is fluid. Couple this with a passion for your woman that ebbs and flows, but never dissipates. “Never” is one of those present tense feelings, when it becomes a future tense kind of thing she might be wifey material. There will always be a power struggle going on in any relationship (refer to the power struggle article), but this struggle can be more or less full of actual conflict. Again, consider it as an ebb and flow of power.



3. You are her personal sex slave. She is your personal porn star. However you two make it true is up to you. I can’t tell you what rocks your boat. But for the proper, mind-blowing, multi-orgasmic, leg-quaking, sheets-ruining, neighbor-waking, structural integrity altering treatment of your woman, this should be true.



4. You must fulfill the needs of your woman, superficial and otherwise. Buying her things is nice and a great distraction from her having caught you staring at the bitch at the register, but there is more than materialism at the core of a woman. Those things we all long for deep down inside (love, respect, caring, hugs, kisses, sympathy, passion, compassion, and things of the like), give her all of those, in abundance.

Yes, you must treat your woman well, but not quite as good as you would treat your wife. The art of treating your woman well is really the practice of wading in the gray area between training your bitch and loving your wife. I had to consult an older head a while ago about the proper way to love one's wife.

The wise man spoke to me of the three Ps: Providing, Protecting, and Proclaiming. The three Ps are for neither women nor bitches. The three Ps are reserved for the wife or wifey material. Wifey material is a potential wife with legitimate and not “blinded by the power of the P” potential (This P is not one of the original three). The power of the P has sent men to their graves, kings to poverty, and ships to sea. The power of the P is a separate article altogether. Let’s stay on topic.

The three Ps are straightforward and need no further defining. What is necessary is a description of their applicability.

1. Providing – This is the natural male desire to provide that drives the ego of so many, from boys to men. This is why most males will cringe to think that he would be out on a date and she would pay. This same drive has been turned against men. Bitches won’t even consider reaching for their purse at the end of the meal nowadays, knowing that he will do the work for her, questioning his own masculine identity based on his financial abilities.



2. Protecting – A guard dog barks at the unopened door regardless of the possibility that it’s a friendly face on the other side of the door. That’s all. That’s not meant to be a metaphor. For his wife, a male will constantly be aware of and concerned for her safety. This is easily confused with male territorialism. Territorialism has the male’s ego as its main concern making the defense of his personal property the highest priority. The easiest way to tell the difference is the accompanied marking habits and the placement of a bitch as the visible focal point.



3. Proclaiming – I wouldn’t walk into a room and scream, “This is my woman!” I also wouldn’t leave the room without the sexiest girls and the guys looking the thirstiest knowing that “this is MY woman.” There is a middle ground, but the level of proclamation needed differs per male, couple, setting, and time of day. The Facebook relationship status is the most well-known (and most disputed) form of proclamation for our age group. It is also the most useless. It does more to have your relationship known when you walk into the club than it does when dude is poking your woman on Facebook.

I remind you that the three Ps are for the wife or wifey material only. These are told to you for one reason: You treat one as less than the other. How do you know what wifey material is? She is everything the average woman is not. So what’s a woman? She is everything a bitch isn’t, which gets kind of complex because bitches ain’t shit. When we discussed a clearer way to simplify this complexity a member of the Birds and the Bees Staff suggested that “a woman is everything.”

The Birds: EmotiCONS

By MD

Cheating is an act that isn't restricted to any one societal class, race, gender, or sexuality. The act which has been turned into what seems like a societal norm through television shows exposing individuals that decide to partake in one of America’s past-times, happens more often than we think. Cheating and betrayal can take place on two main levels: physical and emotional. We all know what physical cheating is and how we define it will differ depending on each person and their personal experience. While emotional cheating can also be defined based on an individual’s personal opinion, it also has a unique quality that does not exist on the physical level- the ability to be invisible in the early stages.

Both men and women cheat; however, through my experience, it seems that the two go about their deceitful ways differently. While both genders have the option to physical and emotionally cheat, it seems as if the two genders often end up with varying results. Through conversations with several individuals (both men and women), it seemed fair to say that men and women cheat physically as a result of dissatisfaction. However, coming up with reasons that men and women emotionally cheat proved to be the more difficult task.

Several people stated that they were unable to come up with situations where men would feel the need to emotionally cheat and how they would go about the act. I came up with an answer that may surprise some and enlighten others, “Men do cheat emotionally; however, they do not realize that it is emotionally cheating until the physical act has taken place.”

For example, if a man is a huge football fan; but, the woman that he is committed to would rather watch HGTV on Sundays, the male might find it more comforting to watch the game with a couple of his friends that do enjoy the Gridiron. The group may consist of both males and females; however, it feels like gender is not a part of the situation. The emotional cheating comes into play when the man feels as if he is unable to talk to his partner about the subject and can only speak to one of his female friends which share the same likes and dislikes. Although the male does not believe it is cheating, he is sharing a part of his life with another woman that he feels he is unable to share with the person he is committed too. We’ve all experienced situations where we discuss one topic with a friend and that leads to another topic which was not the original intent, but the end result. After a while, practice becomes habit and habit becomes natural. Thus, one connection leads to another, and another, until that male feels that they are in a Facebook relationship with the wrong person. Once this takes place- right around the time of the first awkward eye contact or goodbye- the emotional betrayal cycle has taken place and they are no longer buddies who just watch football on Sundays. They are now possibilities that seem endless.

Women, on the other hand, are able to emotionally cheat without having to include the physical aspect. Women are able to connect to men in other ways than their bedrooms- I’m not saying that men can’t do the same- but at some point, women are convinced that while sex may be important; it is not the end all. There are some that value money and stature; in addition to, some that value an emotional connection over The Playlist. After talking to a few women, it seemed as if finding a man that connects with them on an emotional level became increasingly harder to find over the years. Good sex can happen on a random weekend. Great sex can take place when you’re least expecting it. Mind-blowing sex normally comes along with the guy that doesn’t meet the “great guy” criteria- let’s be honest, guys have to be somewhat of an asshole to grab a handful of your hair. But a relationship where a woman feels that they are able to trust and confide in a man by allowing herself to become vulnerable comes once or twice in a lifetime. This can be created the exact same way that men are able to create a connection. The topic of conversation is not the key to the emotional connection from a woman’s perspective; however, the depth of the conversation leads to the bond. Many women are able to emotionally betray their partner without physically betraying them because many of them have had enough rope, handcuffs, or park settings in their lives- although, some could use a little more. This goes back to my sex without emotions point, but we’ll save that for another day and debate between myself and The Watcher.

In closing, the title of the article was chosen to show the purpose of the first step in emotional cheating for both men and women. Smiley faces here, and a wink there, result in laughter…which is good for the soul. This is not to say that whenever your partner decides they would like to watch something or do something with someone else, they are cheating. As long as an open line of communication on the topic remains present, everyone can breathe easy and enjoy the moments that they do share. By simply inquiring about the game that you do not understand will keep lines open and both parties happy. While getting more physical and more emotional with someone else are two ways to ruin a relationship, it seems as if getting more emotional is the only way to save one. The bottom line is exactly what this blog is about; communication with your significant other will lead to successes or failures. :) ;-) :( :-P :).

The Bees: Know Your “Benefits” Package

By The Watcher

I'm with M.D when he says that the friend with benefits (FWB) relationship does not work. However, I do believe that the theory behind FWB can work if both parties involved know the rules. In this article I will rebut the previous article, “The Birds: The S.E.X.” You can have a just sex relationship without emotions. It is possible to achieve. Do not let those who have failed to have a successful FWB relationship steer you in the wrong direction. Don’t be fooled. Don’t be swindled. Take it from someone with years of experience in being friends with women while sharing the perk of giving and receiving some special benefits behind closed doors. Get ready to take notes because I am going to break down how the theory behind the FWB relationship can work when it is done the right way. Here are the rules you MUST follow:

1. Find your acquaintance outside your current circle of friends that you have little to no connection with. The further outside your circle the better. You do not need to see them constantly. Therefore co-workers should NOT be in your selection pool. And they should never be an EX.

2. Negotiate a contract so that both of you agree and understand that you two are acquaintances and can hang out with whomever you want and you can sleep with whomever you want.

3. Continuously keep your options open. You are single throughout this whole relationship, so act like it.

4. Do not go on dates alone with your acquaintance whether they are romantic or not. If you two plan on hanging out in public, make sure it is with other people. You two are not trying to court each other, so why do you need to go out to dinner and a movie? You are acquaintances keep it that way.

5. Do not invite your acquaintance to family or work functions. You do not want to send the wrong message to them or anyone else.

6. Remember a FWB is simply a known booty-call that you do not mind spending some time with.

7. If you or the other person begins to show signs of having feelings, discuss what you both want to do with this change. The only two viable answers are to become a couple or cut things off and move on. Any other option would lead to drama.

The most common mistake that people make when trying to have a successful “friends with benefits” relationship is that they do not realize that the word “friend” in the phrase “friends with benefits” should not be defined as what you normally think of as a friend. In my opinion, the title should be “acquaintance with benefits.” Once you forget that you and the person you just want to have sex with are nothing more than acquaintances that engage in sexual activities, then the whole attempt at being FWB is ruined. As a matter of fact, society should just be done with the phrase “friends with benefits” and go back to the 1990's and call the acts what they really are: booty-calls. I believe that if you simply change what you call the relationship, everything will be put into its proper place.

To make a booty-call relationship function you must keep your options open! If you are having sex with one person and devoting all of your time to them, then you are not only acquaintances, but also something more. You are what the Birds and Bee’s Staff call being stuck in the “gray area” (Refer to Communication: Avoiding the Gray Area). I’m not saying go out and find other sexual partners. However, you need to be actively engaged in the “Hunt” with more than one person if you plan to have a successful booty-call relationship. You need to be on the market with a sign on your forehead that reads “open for business”. You are single and still looking to mingle while in a booty-call relationship.

This tactic is a constant reminder to your acquaintance and yourself that you are still playing the field while reaping the benefits of what your acquaintance has to offer. The goal here is to not make yourself readily available whenever your acquaintance decides they want to “chill” or “watch a movie”. Remember the person in the relationship who cares the least always has the upper hand. If your acquaintance forgets that you two are just acquaintances, you need to refer them to the contract you two agreed on. If they want to renegotiate the contract, the only options should be to enter a monogamous relationship or go your separate ways.

Umm, sex without emotions is pointless?!?! Who told M.D that lie? Sex is a great exchange between two people when it is performed right. I also totally disagree that a man should be trying to touch the soul of every woman he sleeps with. A man should only be trying to touch the soul of a woman they are willing to call girlfriend, fiancé or wife. If you are not trying to call a woman one of those titles then you should be trying to make her believe you “Invented Sex”. You should want her to think, “He is the ‘Best I Ever Had’” as you make her “Bedrock” to “Birthday Sex”. The point of having sex without emotions is to satisfy your sexual appetite. We all have sexual urges and desires and sometimes (both men and women) just want to have an itch scratched without any emotions involved. Sex without emotions might not be the best sex but there is a point to it.

Drama only occurs in a booty-call relationship when the two parties do not understand how to make it work.

The booty-call relationship is NOT for everyone, by the way. booty-calls are NOT for you if:

1. You are really looking for a relationship and agreed to be a booty-call to keep the other person around. You will simply get your feelings HURT.

2. You are insecure. If want someone to say and do nice things for you outside of the bedroom then the booty-call relationship is not for you.

3. You are a controlling and overprotective person. The booty-call relationship is about not having control and you are controlling you will only push the other person away. The booty-call relationship is not for you.

4. You have a hard time moving on. If you are a clinger, the booty-call relationship is not for you. You will get left behind for another.

Takes Millions of Years to Create a Diamond

By A Member of the Birds and Bees' Staff

Booze, a.c., and a ton of poles, what a great place! I look around and all I see are beautiful flowers with an aroma fitting of angels. The juxtaposition of this place is impossible to deny with the beauty of movement mixed with the tainted desire of the viewers, yet here is where my life changes. I move into a realm of complete and utter paralysis when I see the incredible smile of a woman no man should have the right to lay eyes on. Her flowing hair is unlike anything I have ever seen. She is a goddess and me her temple patron.

Then it happens. I say in a confident yet slightly timid tone “hello, my name is…” and the rest is history. It was like we had always known each other. She laughed at my jokes, always had a drink ready for me when I came to visit, always took me back to her room by the end of the night, it was perfect. Never imagined I would find someone so special. It was like every need I had she catered to, and I had no problem assisting her financially when it was necessary. We were two peas in the pod of ecstasy unmatched. Fooling around is what we did every time we saw each other because she had specific rules about the amount of physical contact allowed. I completely understood like a dog hooked up to those electric fences, just don’t leave the yard, so my hands kept their distance and my mini soldier was never deployed for active duty. I accepted everything because I expected that one day we would have such a special moment on our wedding night that it would be like the Gods wept drowning Mt. Kilimanjaro in the process.

I was wrong, so wrong. I expected this goddess to be “my everything” and me her “all the time”. That never happened. She became “my everything,” but I was just “a great guy”. She was my morning sky, but I was just “really nice”. She was the ketchup to my hotdog, while I was just the pickle juice to her dislike for everything pickle. I was miserable and did not understand how all my expectations for the relationship could be so wrong. It was as if I could not see the writing on the wall that these expectations were totally off the wall. My goddess was really not my goddess; she just made me feel like I was the most important thing to her, when in actuality I was just another guy. I expected a future in which we would have a “Leave it to Beaver” type of life for our kids. None of that happened, none of it, I was a fool. The woman I thought would forever be mine from the first hello was my "never” from my first glimpse of her, but I expected so much, how unrealistic of me.

Unrealistic relationship expectations plague many. Going into any relationship thinking that a person is going to do and live up to certain things is fine, but don’t go too far. It is easy to look for perfection when perfection is not possible in the imperfect perfection of the world. Relationships are the avenue through which you can build goals and have expectations applicable to the mate you have chosen. If you choose a guy who has a terrible track record when it comes to being faithful and you are aware, do not expect that all of a sudden you will be the one to change him. If you choose a woman who is dedicated to gossiping about others, don’t expect that in a year she will just stop. There are those that believe that they can expect changes in their mate over time, by working on them, sorry to burst your bubble, but a duck is a duck. I grant that some people can change but when you expect there to be a change you are almost throwing cake in your own face off the bat.

Now in most relationships that I have seen fail there is always, almost always the element of expecting one partner to make changes in order for it to work. I have no problem with change but I do have a problem with expecting change. Yes, a little confusing but let me explain. Starting an actual monogamous relationship is a contract. It is a contract that stipulates I am willing to be with you and only you because at this point I want no one else but you (It’s a cute little sentiment, I’m a big fan). This point in the relationship is where everything is overwhelming out to bare if you are able to objectively look at what you are getting into (objectivity tends to be a lacking brain function sadly in such situations). The contract negotiation phase is probably the most important, but it seems most people just over look it for the promise of at least a month of jack rabbit humping sessions, leg cramps, and water breaks. Contract negotiating is the space in time when you start having feelings for each other deeper than physical attraction and before you actually make it officially an exclusive tango. During this period there will be some disagreements, noticing some things that may bother you, enjoying things that you may think are great, some sex, a little sex, or no sex (everyone has their own speed), and figuring out whether you want to give up the other options that a world of something like 6 billion people has to offer.

Negotiation's importance is due to the fact that it can set the ground work for what to expect and what not to bank on happening. If you both decide that monogamy is the way to go congratulations but be real with each other. In this period, there can be small issues or big ones and I will try to lay out the difference between these issues and how to handle them if it is a situation that applies to you. I believe that there are some negotiation phases that only have minor issues while others have enormous problems. A small issue could be his constant nail biting before you were going out and it probably is going to be more irritating when you’ve been with him for a year. If her baby voice was cute when you were just trying to hit it but is not now that she is about to be your wifey please speak up. If his burping words are bothersome before being official it’ll probably drive you crazy later. If her constant correcting of the grammar in your sentences when talking pushes buttons now imagine in two years how you might flip. It is so unfortunate when little things that could be addressed in the forefront can ruin a promising relationship, SO SPEAK UP! YOU’RE ADULTS! Nothing worse than a waste of time, well maybe busting a nut too fast but then again if it were a race I would have been Husain Bolt.

My disclaimer for this next paragraph is that the issues that are going to be arisen should be noticed prior to even thinking of a relationship with someone. You cannot get to the little things if the big issues are staring you in the face; it is a useless way to try to build a relationship. If the large issues are there run for the hills or iron them out before locking yourself into a turbulent ride. I digress, with little things addressed now during some negotiations people find themselves in what I call “IF YOU DON’T SEE IT YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT” in short “Benet”. Now this works one of two ways. One way is that the person you are potentially going to go out with is a player, hoe, or overall does not make your life better/easier. I grant that there are times when people can hide this side of them from you and deceive you, but what I mind is that in most cases this is not the case. Most wolves in the relationship world wear wolves' clothing. They usually are right in front of you fangs showing, but sometimes people get caught in seeing that fang as a jewel rather than a tool to devour you, your life, and your other relationships. Now in this case you are getting “Beneted” because just like Halle Berry you married a wolf who convinced you otherwise even though s/he has crimson blood dripping from those pretty fangs making you look like a “Fucking Idiot”(excuse my Mandarin). The other way that “Benet” works is that your potential mate is a freaking gem that has so many qualities that are on your list and more for the perfect mate. The problem here is you don’t see it or won’t see it due to a feeling of needing to keep your options open or just not being able to tell you’ve found one of the good ones. In this case, you are self “Beneting”, ruining a relationship with a person who could be great or is great for you. You are letting your Halle Berry go by your own self destruction. You sir/miss are a “Fucking Idiot” (excuse my English).

With the phase of negotiation being passed, it is time to understand the contract. This is probably the simplest part before signing. People can change for better or for worse when in the confines of a relationship, but to expect after the negotiation phase changes that were not discussed to take place is a fool’s bet. If it was not something handled before signing over your right to other sexual orifices and pipe like structures then do not expect change for your benefit to just happen. It does not work that way and never has. A cheater before marriage is a cheater during marriage and cheater after marriage, unless some supernatural shit happens like the ghosts of intercourses past. Change cannot be forced on another it is for them to take ownership and want to do it. Essentially when the contract is signed the fate of the relationship is now based in the agreements and bylaws within concerning change. So public service announcements “If it’s small SPEAK UP! “ and “Benet is not the way”, as an advocator of healthy long lasting relationships these are slogans geared toward your happiness.

By the way “my everything” from earlier in the article was a stripper named Pink Diamond, yea I’m a “Fucking Idiot” (excuse my cough).

Let’s Be Friends: All Around the Mulberry Bush

By A Member of The Birds and the Bees' Staff

Things are going south and they are going south fast. You and your significant other are on the breaking point and you can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. You have tried to work out the issues that you have with each other, but for some reason it just isn’t working out. So you decide to break up because it will make both of you happy. You two have shared some great moments together despite the recent turn of events so you figure, “we should stay in touch and try to be friends”, because you feel that’s the right thing to do. However, there is a right way to do this and a wrong reason to do this. The wrong way of doing this causes you to skip around what I call the Mulberry Bush.

The Mulberry Bush is a backdoor that many people like to leave open after ending a long-term (1 year +) relationship. The Mulberry Bush represents a security net that both men and women like to create as a way to decrease the feelings of loneliness. It is driven by the human desire to be wanted and loved by someone else. When one does not feel wanted or loved, they tend to go back to the last place or person that fulfilled that basic human desire, i.e. they knock on that backdoor regardless of whether the person on the other side has changed or not. The problem with circling the Mulberry Bush is: you hinder yourself from moving on, you hinder your ex’s ability to change, which can ultimately cause you to waste time going around the Mulberry Bush.
Without substantial time apart from your ex, I do not believe you can move forward. I do not believe you can just become friends with someone you have just been actively intimate with. Once the gates of intimacy are opened, they take a long time to close. Regardless of how much you think you would never date the person again, if you remain in constant contact with your ex after the relationship, your chances of falling back into the same routine as if you’re still dating are increased. Sooner or later you will share more intimate moments and the same issues that caused you two to break up will resurface again. Hence you will be back at step one, breaking up again.

I do believe in second chances, and trying things again, however, some kind of change must occur. Change cannot occur overnight. It is a gradual process. Therefore, if you want to be friends with your ex because you believe one day you two will try to rekindle what you once had, then time and space is needed. Before someone can change, their level of present discomfort must rise to the level that causes them to alter their current behavior. They must see for themselves the behavior you do not agree with and agree that it needs to be changed. If you are constantly around them, they will feel like the issue isn’t a big enough deal that they need to fully change. Remember most people don’t realize what they have until it is gone. So go away for some time and allow your ex to miss you if you want to rekindle the relationship one day.

The aftermath of ending a relationship can be a whirlwind. Everything you have come to know and expect, your whole routine is thrown off. A new void has been created in your life and it needs to be filled. You can either consciously come up with a game plan of how you will deal with ALL of the free time you will have being single or you can do nothing and allow loneliness to creep in and fill the void. I suggest you fill the void with some new or old extra curricular activities: causal dating, new or old hobbies, going out with other single friends to social settings or events, etc. The best thing for you to do is remain busy. Feelings of loneliness creep in when you spend the majority of your time alone after a break up, so try not to be alone too much. And after a month or two, if you feel like you want to try the relationship again, you MUST avoid the gray area. If you want to rekindle the relationship, it is essential that you bypass the friendship stage and start back with being in a relationship and moving things slowly. Just being “friends” that are exclusive is not a strong enough commitment. If you two want things to work, you must both address the old issues that led to the initial break up and plan how you will avoid the same pitfalls going forward. It is important that both parties internalize responsibility for failures in the past so that you can both work and strive for the preferred vision you two have for each other.