By Mr. SR...C
“You abandoned me, love don’t live here anymore. Just a vacancy, love don’t live here anymore.” Now that lady, Rose Royce, knows what she is talking about. The problem is that many cannot bring themselves to vacate that love. People want to hold on to that love, that painstaking heartache, that struggle for constant heart fluttering, but eventually the heart drops. It seems so many of us fall in love, but when that love has failed to be fruitful for us or our partner many cannot logically accept that that one time love has now soured, changing into a past love and no longer the love we once knew. Having loved or still loving someone does not mean that the love is meant to be consummated in relationship form.
Relationships end, yet it is so irrefutably clear that denial of that possibility in a relationship littered with “I love you” and “I love you too” hardly allows the relationship to end cleanly or even end definitely. Now I understand that when you love another person and they love you that it is very hard to rid yourself of those deep rooted and intense feelings. Feelings that make your body actually physically react to any situation concerning the other, so serious that if they hurt you your heart begins to ache, so embedded that when you look at them in the morning you cannot help but smile. Rose says it best “when you lived inside of me, there was nothing that I could conceive that you wouldn’t do for me.” That is some serious stuff, some serious, serious feelings. I do not know how many people have felt that way, but I know there are readers out there who have. A love so strong that you would do anything for the other person, short of taking a bullet, but then again there are those that would take that bullet willingly for the one they love. That’s the type of love that is rooted in one’s soul and that’s the type of love that if the relationship ends has to be channeled out of the very fabric of you’re being. Think colon cleanse; whole lot of shit to get rid of.
I am all about love and all that good stuff (like apple sauce and Aladdin), but when relationships that make it to the “Love Dimension” end they need to stay ended. On and off relationships in the “Love Dimension” from my experience are just relationships that have no actual possibility of progress. What I mean by that is even if after ten to eleven break-ups you end up getting married and\or having kids there still will be those reasons why you broke up the first, fifth, and eighth place. Missing someone and still loving them does not always justify going back into a situation that was broken. Your relationship ended because one or both parties had an issue that could not be resolved within the realm of the relationship ,so one or both parties ended it. The key is the phrase “break-up”. To “break-up” is to scatter, disperse, separate into pieces, ceasing to function as an organized unit, et cetera. You get the point. There are a multitude of reasons a “break-up” can occur, but, none the less, in a relationship where love is involved there usually is a serious enough reason for the parties to be separated because if you are in love only serious issues should drive you apart, right? So it just would make sense that even with that love, if you felt, your partner felt, or you both felt it was necessary to “break-up”, it would follow that getting back together would be a bad decision, right?
I do not know how popular my theory on this is going to be, but when such a drastic cut is made as to bludgeon the life out of a relationship full of love there should only be death. This is not a cartoon. This is not the Bible. There is no resurrection here, and if there is a resurrection the relationship is going to look like a zombie. Yes, the living dead. A grotesque version of what once was; Heidi Montag comes to mind. People seem to try to use the love once held or possibly still held to repair an already too damaged relationship. You have to get over it. Your heart’s going to be tugged by good memories, but remember if everything was always good you would not be single. Your soul is going to be screaming for you to go back to the familiar, but you have to remember to tell yourself “love don’t live here anymore” because the same love does not live there. You may think it is the same love but once you break-up with someone the love changes. It is no longer the first and purest strain. It is a muddied, bastardized version that you must realize is going to be weaker than the first go around. Dr. Frankenstein’s resurrected wife/girlfriend seems like a fair analogy. With love and break-ups it only makes the love weaker not stronger, you are just getting used to how easy it is to leave each other.
Rose Royce is talking about her lover finding another home and abandoning her, which is real specific, but she moved on as did her previous mate. You cannot believe in that old pure form of “love” that you had, because there is “just a vacancy” and that love you knew “don’t live here anymore”.
“Now time to sit down and unwind to the smooth vibes of the groove you jive sexy thangs. A love lost means there's love to be found, chocolate treats and body heat, call the fire department," Issac Hayes voice.
Showing posts with label Exes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Exes. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Let’s Be Friends: All Around the Mulberry Bush
By A Member of The Birds and the Bees' Staff
Things are going south and they are going south fast. You and your significant other are on the breaking point and you can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. You have tried to work out the issues that you have with each other, but for some reason it just isn’t working out. So you decide to break up because it will make both of you happy. You two have shared some great moments together despite the recent turn of events so you figure, “we should stay in touch and try to be friends”, because you feel that’s the right thing to do. However, there is a right way to do this and a wrong reason to do this. The wrong way of doing this causes you to skip around what I call the Mulberry Bush.
The Mulberry Bush is a backdoor that many people like to leave open after ending a long-term (1 year +) relationship. The Mulberry Bush represents a security net that both men and women like to create as a way to decrease the feelings of loneliness. It is driven by the human desire to be wanted and loved by someone else. When one does not feel wanted or loved, they tend to go back to the last place or person that fulfilled that basic human desire, i.e. they knock on that backdoor regardless of whether the person on the other side has changed or not. The problem with circling the Mulberry Bush is: you hinder yourself from moving on, you hinder your ex’s ability to change, which can ultimately cause you to waste time going around the Mulberry Bush.
Without substantial time apart from your ex, I do not believe you can move forward. I do not believe you can just become friends with someone you have just been actively intimate with. Once the gates of intimacy are opened, they take a long time to close. Regardless of how much you think you would never date the person again, if you remain in constant contact with your ex after the relationship, your chances of falling back into the same routine as if you’re still dating are increased. Sooner or later you will share more intimate moments and the same issues that caused you two to break up will resurface again. Hence you will be back at step one, breaking up again.
I do believe in second chances, and trying things again, however, some kind of change must occur. Change cannot occur overnight. It is a gradual process. Therefore, if you want to be friends with your ex because you believe one day you two will try to rekindle what you once had, then time and space is needed. Before someone can change, their level of present discomfort must rise to the level that causes them to alter their current behavior. They must see for themselves the behavior you do not agree with and agree that it needs to be changed. If you are constantly around them, they will feel like the issue isn’t a big enough deal that they need to fully change. Remember most people don’t realize what they have until it is gone. So go away for some time and allow your ex to miss you if you want to rekindle the relationship one day.
The aftermath of ending a relationship can be a whirlwind. Everything you have come to know and expect, your whole routine is thrown off. A new void has been created in your life and it needs to be filled. You can either consciously come up with a game plan of how you will deal with ALL of the free time you will have being single or you can do nothing and allow loneliness to creep in and fill the void. I suggest you fill the void with some new or old extra curricular activities: causal dating, new or old hobbies, going out with other single friends to social settings or events, etc. The best thing for you to do is remain busy. Feelings of loneliness creep in when you spend the majority of your time alone after a break up, so try not to be alone too much. And after a month or two, if you feel like you want to try the relationship again, you MUST avoid the gray area. If you want to rekindle the relationship, it is essential that you bypass the friendship stage and start back with being in a relationship and moving things slowly. Just being “friends” that are exclusive is not a strong enough commitment. If you two want things to work, you must both address the old issues that led to the initial break up and plan how you will avoid the same pitfalls going forward. It is important that both parties internalize responsibility for failures in the past so that you can both work and strive for the preferred vision you two have for each other.
Things are going south and they are going south fast. You and your significant other are on the breaking point and you can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. You have tried to work out the issues that you have with each other, but for some reason it just isn’t working out. So you decide to break up because it will make both of you happy. You two have shared some great moments together despite the recent turn of events so you figure, “we should stay in touch and try to be friends”, because you feel that’s the right thing to do. However, there is a right way to do this and a wrong reason to do this. The wrong way of doing this causes you to skip around what I call the Mulberry Bush.
The Mulberry Bush is a backdoor that many people like to leave open after ending a long-term (1 year +) relationship. The Mulberry Bush represents a security net that both men and women like to create as a way to decrease the feelings of loneliness. It is driven by the human desire to be wanted and loved by someone else. When one does not feel wanted or loved, they tend to go back to the last place or person that fulfilled that basic human desire, i.e. they knock on that backdoor regardless of whether the person on the other side has changed or not. The problem with circling the Mulberry Bush is: you hinder yourself from moving on, you hinder your ex’s ability to change, which can ultimately cause you to waste time going around the Mulberry Bush.
Without substantial time apart from your ex, I do not believe you can move forward. I do not believe you can just become friends with someone you have just been actively intimate with. Once the gates of intimacy are opened, they take a long time to close. Regardless of how much you think you would never date the person again, if you remain in constant contact with your ex after the relationship, your chances of falling back into the same routine as if you’re still dating are increased. Sooner or later you will share more intimate moments and the same issues that caused you two to break up will resurface again. Hence you will be back at step one, breaking up again.
I do believe in second chances, and trying things again, however, some kind of change must occur. Change cannot occur overnight. It is a gradual process. Therefore, if you want to be friends with your ex because you believe one day you two will try to rekindle what you once had, then time and space is needed. Before someone can change, their level of present discomfort must rise to the level that causes them to alter their current behavior. They must see for themselves the behavior you do not agree with and agree that it needs to be changed. If you are constantly around them, they will feel like the issue isn’t a big enough deal that they need to fully change. Remember most people don’t realize what they have until it is gone. So go away for some time and allow your ex to miss you if you want to rekindle the relationship one day.
The aftermath of ending a relationship can be a whirlwind. Everything you have come to know and expect, your whole routine is thrown off. A new void has been created in your life and it needs to be filled. You can either consciously come up with a game plan of how you will deal with ALL of the free time you will have being single or you can do nothing and allow loneliness to creep in and fill the void. I suggest you fill the void with some new or old extra curricular activities: causal dating, new or old hobbies, going out with other single friends to social settings or events, etc. The best thing for you to do is remain busy. Feelings of loneliness creep in when you spend the majority of your time alone after a break up, so try not to be alone too much. And after a month or two, if you feel like you want to try the relationship again, you MUST avoid the gray area. If you want to rekindle the relationship, it is essential that you bypass the friendship stage and start back with being in a relationship and moving things slowly. Just being “friends” that are exclusive is not a strong enough commitment. If you two want things to work, you must both address the old issues that led to the initial break up and plan how you will avoid the same pitfalls going forward. It is important that both parties internalize responsibility for failures in the past so that you can both work and strive for the preferred vision you two have for each other.
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