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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Birds: The Art of Treating Women Well

By The Radical

Fellas, please allow me to speak to you about a fine art I have spent a lifetime studying: the elegant, laborious, and crucial art of treating women well. The first thing you need to know about women is that they are not bitches. They may have been bitches, they may one day become bitches, but women are never bitches. That is what makes them women.

How one treats his woman well is an art because while there are genres, rules, styles, trends, etc., there is not an exact science. Theorems about women always fall through when you need them most (in a bar mid-conversation, while writing your wedding vows, during the fight that will make or break you after your six year anniversary, the list goes on). The main feature of this art is what it is not and it certainly is not the craft of training your bitch.

To train your bitch, one must:

  1. Make it so that one’s personal happiness is the focal point of one’s interactions with this bitch.

  2. Secure the position of power. The easiest method of this is to simply care the least about the relationship itself and your continued interactions with this bitch.

  3. Properly demonstrate the extent of one’s sexual prowess infrequently to compel this bitch to stick around, while still putting one’s own needs first.

  4. Fulfill the superficial needs of this bitch. Fact of the matter is bitches be shoppin’ and not just at the Gap.

That, of course, is a small lesson on the dark arts. Those are the critical pillars of that particular school of thought, by no means the totality. Only these four pieces are needed to distinguish this from the fine art of treating women well. To treat one’s woman well you must never act toward her as if she was a bitch. She might occasionally act like one and that time she said something you are pretty sure was a well-disguised jab at your mother you wanted to call her one, but your woman is never a bitch. We have a different word for that: “woman.” Nonsensical? Yes, and that is the point. Ever spent a good amount of time with a woman? Exactly.

There are four basic tenants to treating a woman well:

  1. Be willing to go beyond positioning her happiness as the centerpiece of your relationship; place it alongside yours. When you perceive her wants and needs as important as you do your own you make it so that your happiness coincides with yours. Making her happy makes you happy. This is much more stable and healthy than the complete sacrifice of considerations of your happiness for hers because it is less draining, thus more easily maintained for a long period of time, and the intermingling of what makes you happy as individuals increases the likelihood of knowing what makes you a happy couple.

  2. Remember that power is fluid. Couple this with a passion for your woman that ebbs and flows, but never dissipates. “Never” is one of those present tense feelings, when it becomes a future tense kind of thing she might be wifey material. There will always be a power struggle going on in any relationship (refer to the power struggle article), but this struggle can be more or less full of actual conflict. Again, consider it as an ebb and flow of power.

  3. You are her personal sex slave. She is your personal porn star. However you two make it true is up to you. I can’t tell you what rocks your boat. But for the proper, mind-blowing, multi-orgasmic, leg-quaking, sheets-ruining, neighbor-waking, structural integrity altering treatment of your woman, this should be true.

  4. You must fulfill the needs of your woman, superficial and otherwise. Buying her things is nice and a great distraction from her having caught you staring at the bitch at the register, but there is more than materialism at the core of a woman. Those things we all long for deep down inside (love, respect, caring, hugs, kisses, sympathy, passion, compassion, and things of the like), give her all of those, in abundance.

Yes, you must treat your woman well, but not quite as good as you would treat your wife. The art of treating your woman well is really the practice of wading in the gray area between training your bitch and loving your wife. I had to consult an older head a while ago about the proper way to love one's wife.

The wise man spoke to me of the three Ps: Providing, Protecting, and Proclaiming. The three Ps are for neither women nor bitches. The three Ps are reserved for the wife or wifey material. Wifey material is a potential wife with legitimate and not “blinded by the power of the P” potential (This P is not one of the original three). The power of the P has sent men to their graves, kings to poverty, and ships to sea. The power of the P is a separate article altogether. Let’s stay on topic.

The three Ps are straightforward and need no further defining. What is necessary is a description of their applicability.

  1. Providing – This is the natural male desire to provide that drives the ego of so many, from boys to men. This is why most males will cringe to think that he would be out on a date and she would pay. This same drive has been turned against men. Bitches won’t even consider reaching for their purse at the end of the meal nowadays, knowing that he will do the work for her, questioning his own masculine identity based on his financial abilities.

  2. Protecting – A guard dog barks at the unopened door regardless of the possibility that it’s a friendly face on the other side of the door. That’s all. That’s not meant to be a metaphor. For his wife, a male will constantly be aware of and concerned for her safety. This is easily confused with male territorialism. Territorialism has the male’s ego as its main concern making the defense of his personal property the highest priority. The easiest way to tell the difference is the accompanied marking habits and the placement of a bitch as the visible focal point.

  3. Proclaiming – I wouldn’t walk into a room and scream, “This is my woman!” I also wouldn’t leave the room without the sexiest girls and the guys looking the thirstiest knowing that “this is MY woman.” There is a middle ground, but the level of proclamation needed differs per male, couple, setting, and time of day. The Facebook relationship status is the most well-known (and most disputed) form of proclamation for our age group. It is also the most useless. It does more to have your relationship known when you walk into the club than it does when dude is poking your woman on Facebook.

I remind you that the three Ps are for the wife or wifey material only. These are told to you for one reason: You treat one as less than the other. How do you know what wifey material is? She is everything the average woman is not. So what’s a woman? She is everything a bitch isn’t, which gets kind of complex because bitches ain’t shit. When we discussed a clearer way to simplify this complexity a member of the Birds and the Bees Staff suggested that “a woman is everything.”

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