The Bees: What Men Really Want: The True 50's Housewife

By The Radical

I disagree. The Watcher is completely off base on this one. I don't want a mother. I don't want a motherly figure. I want a slave. I want a pet. I want the true essence of the 50's housewife. Fact of the matter is June Cleaver and Amy Winehouse were popping horse tranquilizers at the same rate. The mother only appears motherly because she did as she was told and was so heavily sedated that her only emotional option was enthusiasm. Take note that enthusiasm is not synonymous with happiness. The Watcher indicates that men want some far removed version of that 1950's ideal. I want a modified version of the reality...and sir, you probably do too. Ladies, if you are reading this, take heed.

A Member of the Birds and the Bees' Staff steadily quotes the movie “Labyrinth” (1986), starring David Bowie, in which the antagonist and paramour, Jareth, says to the object of his desire, “Love me, fear me, obey me and I will be your slave!” This is the depiction of what men really want from a woman. Simultaneously, it tells us what men want in a woman as well.

Consider the notion of reciprocity that exists in most relationships. This notion is hardly what it claims to be. What most people consider reciprocity in a relationship is really a bartering system in which the woman gives certain things and the man gives others in the end creating a harmony not created of two separate versions of the same thing melded together, but instead one built of interlocking, but unique pieces that make it a “fair trade.” Thus, every relationship involves a power dynamic. But what this really means is that men like Jareth the Goblin King take the time and energy to create these elaborate labyrinths for women as gifts for which the reciprocal gifts are her love and obedience. He provides, not only so she doesn't have to, but so that she can and must rely on him.

Quite frankly, the 1950's housewife is an appropriate depiction of what men want, but not the ideal prototype which immediately comes to mind. Men want the reality of the 1950's housewife as just that, a housewife, not a mother... unless there are kids, and then it's only so he can continue his life uninterrupted. I have no interest in pausing this DVRed episode of House just to parent some children. “Go ask your mother for some cereal, she should already be in the kitchen.”

The reality of the 1950's housewife is subordination, drug use, and a focus on the man's happiness as the crux of the household's happiness. From these characteristics comes actions that could be interpreted as “ encouraging, comforting, and supportive.” Focusing on the image of the 1950's housewife as a housewife instead of a mother shifts the idea that “a mother understands her son’s ambitions, goals and dreams and inspires him to pursue them” into the necessary treatment of her significant other such that she understands her significant other's ambitions, goals, and is required to inspire him to pursue them as they are directly tied to her quality of life.

The Watcher distinguishes between which motherly characteristics are best exhibited by a girlfriend in three points, but the second and third points are motherly characteristics which he suggests be avoided or mediated. This mediation is unnecessary if the metaphor is applied properly. She is not the 1950's mother to her man; she is his housewife.

Take a look at Rosie Millard's 2008 article in The Sunday Times for a view of the modern woman roleplaying as the 1950's housewife. Aside from the missing horse tranquilizers, Millard provides us with a contemporary example and gives us the space to suggest that this is what men really want. The modern woman more likely than not wants this too, but of her male counterpart.

The Birds: "What Men Want": Mother vs. Motherly Figure

By The Watcher

One of my favorite movies of all time is “What Women Want”. It is a funny and idealistic depiction of what it is like to be inside the mind of a female. In the movie, the main character, played by Mel Gibson, is blessed with the ability to read women’s minds. Throughout the movie, he discovers that what he thought he knew about the opposite sex was extremely limited. By reading women’s mind he was able to understand the complex internal struggle women go through on a daily basis. I always wondered if they would make a movie called “What Men Want” but then I realized that it would be too inappropriate to become a mainstream movie and is probably already an adult film. Although men do think about sex more than women, there are things that men need from their potential mate when they decide to settle. There are things besides sexual prowess that men seek in women.

Men today go through a stage in their life when they play the field to see how many women they can obtain. We see it as a challenge that we were born to embark on. The goal is to see how many times we can stick our flag poles in new territories (see what I did there). Throughout the quest some feelings are hurt, hearts are broken and new strokes are developed. However, there comes a point when most men grow tired of the irrepressible desire to hunt and wish to settle down with a compatible mate. When this time comes, there are some specific characteristics men look for outside of the physical arena. I’m writing this article to describe to women what men need. This may sound overly simple and to some it may come off as obvious. However, knowing these character traits and actually having these traits are a completely different story.

First and foremost, the first relationship men usually have with the opposite sex is typically with their mother or some type of motherly figure. For those of you that never thought of this, the mother/motherly figure is not universal. The role of a mother varies from country to country, city to city, and family to family. Therefore, the role of a mother in this article relates more to the ideal, 1950’s American version of what a mother is/ was. The motherly figure I am referring to has 3 distinct traits. She is encouraging, comforting and supportive. A mother understands her son’s ambitions, goals and dreams and inspires him to pursue them. Now do not get me wrong ladies, I am NOT asking you to be your man’s mother. Nevertheless, men are looking for qualities in women that are typically used to describe mothers. There is a fine line between being the girlfriend with these character traits and being his mother. Boys need a mother. Men need a woman with motherly qualities. Let me tell you what I mean:

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  A mother offers encouragement, comfort and support with no expectations of getting anything in return. Both partners in a relationship have needs and they must be fed. If you feed each other’s needs, you will both be satisfied.



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  A mother still wants to control her child’s life. If you smother your man, he will resent you. Instead, you should develop more of a supportive role. If you observe some weak areas in your man’s life that he is too proud to acknowledge; bring it to his attention. Remember you cannot change a man but you can help him grow and develop into a mature man.



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  Most mothers do not hold their children accountable; you should not follow in the same footsteps, because many men say that their girlfriend is important to them but that is not always what their actions reveal. Men assume the relationship will always be there, by default, until one day she is gone. Therefore, ask your man to make his priorities match his commitments. If he is committed to you, he should not have you at the bottom of his priority list.

Relationships are similar to baking a cake. Not only do you need the right ingredients but you need the proper amount of each ingredient. Too much water or too few eggs will lead to a strange tasting cake that no one will enjoy. When it comes to being encouraging, comforting and supportive, as women, you must be able to discern how and when to use these traits. Using too much of a particular trait will make you seem like the mom who still breast feeds her 10 year old son. Using not enough of a particular trait will make you seem like the Wicked Witch of the West. Balance is the key to every relationship. Using these ingredients wisely to strengthen your current relationship or use them to create a new relationship.

The Birds: What Do the First Three Letters in “Assume” Spell?

By Mr. SR...C

Now it’s time for a completely biased point of view. See what I did there? I put you on the defensive immediately. This is directed at the females, but men can be guilty of this too; say what you mean, do not expect me to fucking understand your non-communicative version of communication. Why? Because it is fucking stupid. Like if your dog is hungry, it probably will whine or beg. If Olive Oil screams for help, Popeye knows to rescue her. If the condom breaks…enough said. So why is it that people feel that others will know what an issue is without any communication? Sometimes it may be generally understood but why not shoot for clear communication all the time? I will grant men mostly are the guilty party of not understanding these unexpressed signals but women just have to get over the subtle shit. We men are just freaking “she Jane, me Tarzan” at the end of the day.

I want to give an example of this “you’re not telling me shit” phenomenon. Ralph is eating a sandwich in the kitchen. His girl calls him and says “I am outside the apartment, you home? Oh, and I stopped by the grocery store on my way over”. He says, “Okay, come up” and continues to eat his sandwich. He finishes his sandwich and turns on the game, it's funday Sunday, calls up a few buddies see if they want to stop by and watch the game with him. Ralph notices his girl is taking a while getting to the apartment. Fifteen minutes later she opens the door and has bags of groceries. Ralph goes up to her and notices she has a not too pleased look on her face and says “Nicole, baby, what’s wrong?” and she replies “Oooh nothing, I think I’m going to make some food for night game”. Nicole’s face softens and whatever was bothering her seems to have faded as she cooks. As she finishes up and the late game is about to start Ralph gets a call from his boys saying they are downstairs and to buzz them up. When Nicole hears this conversation she gets pissed, calls Ralph a jerk and storms out the apartment and says “I’m going home, you are so selfish”. Ralph is confused and as his girl leaves his boys come in and they have the WTF look on their faces. Ralph goes after Nicole and begs her to tell him what he did. Her response is simply “How do you not know?!”

It is clear to me that not every woman does this and not every man is clueless, but from countless encounters and stories I can imagine this is quite common, maybe not as serious as the example, but it happens. The problem is that Ralph never knew what was wrong, he just knew something was wrong, but that was offset by the fact that Nicole said “oooh nothing”. If nothing was bothering her why did she have a displeased look on her face walking in the door? I created the scenario so I know, but Ralph has no clue. She had never asked Ralph for help with the grocery bags, but instead assumed he would come down and help her. All she had to say was “Can you come down and give me a hand with the bags?” Assuming that Ralph is the average decent boyfriend, he would have gone down to help with no problem. Granted, he could have asked “do you need help?” The point here is when he wanted to know why she was upset she replied “oooh nothing” and literally communicated nothing even though she was upset. Nicole could have reprimanded him for not asking or coming down to help her. Regardless of whether or not Nicole is right about being angry, not verbally expressing why she is upset causes an unnecessary rift in the relationship, and pot holes only get bigger.

Storming out when Ralph says “the guys are coming upstairs” and responding with a rhetorical question is terrible conflict resolution. Remember: I do not believe all ladies take it to the extreme or would not voice their displeasure, but many do some version of this. Please, please, please, just tell the man why you are mad, he is asking for a reason, he has no fucking clue, and if he has a clue he wants to be sure. To be real, men are as simple as the game of Rock, Paper, Scissors (RPS). If you do not say what you feel when we ask, then our assumption is it has nothing to do with us. WE ARE NOT MIND READERS, maybe mind manipulators, but that is not exclusive to nor even mastered the best by the dick-swinging portion of humanity.

Listen, there are surely guys who do the same type of lack of communication bullshit to their significant other the same way some females do, and, conversely , there are women that may not get the hint the same way some males don’t. There are different personalities and it may be difficult to sometimes express how you feel (Helga Pataki’s secret love for Arnold comes to mind) or express how they feel with no intention of having dialogue after it is expressed, think Squidward and Spongebob. Now there are so many variables in a relationship, but one thing that is at least in control of both parties is communication and not assumption, a corny old man I knew used to say “what do the first three letters in 'assume' spell?”, don’t make that you.

The Birds: Longevity

By MD

Talking with a friend of mine, I realized that there is a common trait in long-term relationships that suddenly take a turn for the worse. There is often a lack of short-term memory. There are plenty of people in relationships that are only in them because they’ve “been together for so long”. If you are constantly complaining about your significant other and your only explanation for still being together is the aforementioned reasoning, then you should re-evaluate how you would like this relationship to end. Far too often, people feel that have come too far to go backwards. In response to that, I’d like to ask you, how far have you actually gone if you’re still arguing about topics from the first month? Even though the equation “you + me = us” does make sense, it does not help predict the life expectancy of a relationship. “Us” is a variable, not a constant.

If you are one of the unfortunate members of the majority that are forced to face the fork in the road with one side showing a stop sign; and the other side not showing an end in sight, which road do you take? If the relationship ends before one person picks out baby names and china patterns, the two people involved are not left wondering, “what happened?” If the relationship is ended right before a weekend getaway at the family cabin, then angry and emotional status updates via Facebook may become a part of both individuals near future. Either way, the end result is the same. The downward spiral of complacency has come to a halt. Although one scenario leaves one person hating the opposite sex for a month or two because “they finally opened up”, it provides an opportunity for both people to continue on with the rest of their lives and avoid a predestined dead end.

There are plenty of adults who do not realize this is the case until they are knocking on the door of being the woman with all the cats or the old man that hates everyone. According to your support group, the fact that s/he will not fully commit and you are “running out of time” to get married at a “decent” age is a great reason to abandon ship. When, in actuality, you have been setting sail without a breeze for years! Personally, I do not believe in a small window of opportunity to get married or an age where you should adopt animals and become the next Bronx Zoo. Experience has shown me that, as humans we try to see the potential in people, but we all know that potential that does not soon become apparent will eventually be seen as underachievement. Although you may think that underachievement is only being performed by the person who has the memory span of a goldfish, it is in fact underachievement by both persons involved. Allowing someone to hold you back and use you as a crutch hinders your own ability to grow. Think back to the kid who cheated off your test and then got a better grade than you because they screwed up one of your answers.

Looking back at the end of a relationship, we will always have a spot in our hearts for that companion that never became what we needed; but, creating a feeling of regret within the relationship is much worse. Relationships can either be quicksand or rolling hills. You can either completely lose yourself in the sinking pit of bullshit or be lucky enough to endure ups and downs on a hillside. This article is not to suggest that you should break up with someone because they picked up the wrong type of milk. The point is that if they keep forgetting your birthday/anniversary, you may need to reconsider that double sink and man cave you two have been designing. Allowing someone to stay on life-support within a relationship can be defined as cruel and unusual punishment. R.I.P Terry Schiavo.

Forgive Him for He Knows Not What He Says: A Letter to B. Rhatican

By The Radical, Mr. SR...C, and The Watcher

The following letter is a response to an opinion piece published in our Alma mater's newspaper, The Collegian. You can find the original article here.

Dear Brendan,

Although I applaud you for the courage to voice such a controversial opinion despite its lack of warrants, the massive holes in your logic, and your obvious resentment for the beautiful nature of the modern woman, there is too much wrong with what you're saying for me to agree with you, despite all my dick-dragging, heteronormative woman-bashing.

“He clearly knows nothing about fashion because fashion does not dictate looking like a slut, period. He is mad he cannot get a wife. How about he stops complaining and finds a wife. He probably wants the girls that look “slutty”. That's why he mad. Dude is lame.”

You begin by directly requesting that women, in general, “wear more clothes.” Your only warrant for this is that “it is becoming increasingly difficult for [you] to look at [a woman] as a woman.” It's strange that you would request women to alter their behavior based on your inability to cope mentally with...what I'm willing to assume is life, but, in this instance and letter, women act as a synecdoche for what appears to be your discomfort with your own personal sexuality. Don't worry, even if you are suffering a lack of sexual activity that isn't streaming online, the concept of sexuality can still be applied to you, in theory.

To say that women have stripped themselves of what makes them beautiful is not a statement reflecting upon women, it hardly even rests in the conservative nostalgia that you poorly attempt to couch your opinion in. What you have clearly indicated is that you are unable to perceive anything beyond what you can see and you have no desire to get to know a woman once you have your mental images recorded for your midday “alone time.” Really, what you are saying is that you are incapable of knowing anything about a woman. Ever. Once you have any leeway to impose sexual thoughts upon her body, YOU make her into an object, regardless of her dress. Tighter clothes just make it easier. What you have is a personal cognitive problem, probably related to your poor impulse control and obsessive compulsive sexual thoughts.

You attempt to petrify the idea of womanhood as this notion of “authenticity” based on her virginity and chastity. So, your mother had a kid, how is her womanhood holding up? I'm willing to bet she lost her virginity to birth you. How much of her beauty went as she released you into the world?

Offended? Too close to home? See, you speak of women, but you don't know what you are actually saying. You must be talking about a certain kind of girl...the one always beyond your reach. Don't hate her because she is beautiful. Hiding what you long for under layers of fabric doesn't make it any more attainable, nor does it add anything to her personality, nor does it speak about her personal choices sexually, nor does it make her any more chaste of virginal. Your view is a mask for your lack of respect for women because you find them sexually attractive and the suggested additional clothing is simply a veil of ignorance for you that masks people's personal choices. Is this how you cover up your personal downfalls, looser jeans? No need to answer. We already know you write opinion letters and hide behind your own audacity for this.

“Yes, go in, please. I would get too personal with him, question his bitchassness. Any dude that blames girls for going for a “bad boy” in an article that is about female “slutty” clothing is mad at some bitch. What does a girl dressing like a sliz have to do with her liking “bad boys?” Doesn't seem connected. She attracts all boys. Clearly, this kid is still attracted, but just says he lacks respect which is warranted [in some contexts, but not the one he identifies and certainly not how he identifies it], but a spade is a spade.”

Your final full paragraph is a testament to your personal failures and inabilities. Let's respond in order. You have no control over your sexual desires. You only perceive women as an object to acquire and feel the need to “flirt” as a means to an end. You know that no woman would want to spend the rest of her life with you, that you she'd get to know in time, so you feel the need to marry first and disappoint later. This is called entrapment. You have a fetish for chastity and don't know how to communicate this in the bedroom. And you will never get to know a woman's character because you yourself are a very shallow puddle, not because of what she wears.

“He should just go to places where women behave in the manner that he likes. Such as nursing homes, Amish farms, the Middle East or old bible belt churches. You can't go to a club or frat party or lodge and have these expectations. He is setting himself up to not find the type of woman he is searching for.”

There are definitely real men out there, but you, sir, are not one of them. You are play acting the role of a man by merely projecting hyper-masculine, artificially-nostalgic, idiotic views about chastity and virginity as the essence of one's value and character that I would bet money you do not hold about men. Chivalry is dead because of guys like you that bastardized what it means to be chivalrous. And bitches that take that shit for granted, but bitches and women are two completely different topics.

“I also love how dudes are like this. Dude is full of it. If you think a chick looks like a slut and have an issue with it...don't date her. End of story.”

The Birds: The Art of Treating Women Well

By The Radical

Fellas, please allow me to speak to you about a fine art I have spent a lifetime studying: the elegant, laborious, and crucial art of treating women well. The first thing you need to know about women is that they are not bitches. They may have been bitches, they may one day become bitches, but women are never bitches. That is what makes them women.

How one treats his woman well is an art because while there are genres, rules, styles, trends, etc., there is not an exact science. Theorems about women always fall through when you need them most (in a bar mid-conversation, while writing your wedding vows, during the fight that will make or break you after your six year anniversary, the list goes on). The main feature of this art is what it is not and it certainly is not the craft of training your bitch.

To train your bitch, one must:

1. Make it so that one’s personal happiness is the focal point of one’s interactions with this bitch.



2. Secure the position of power. The easiest method of this is to simply care the least about the relationship itself and your continued interactions with this bitch.
   


3. Properly demonstrate the extent of one’s sexual prowess infrequently to compel this bitch to stick around, while still putting one’s own needs first.



4. Fulfill the superficial needs of this bitch. Fact of the matter is bitches be shoppin’ and not just at the Gap.

That, of course, is a small lesson on the dark arts. Those are the critical pillars of that particular school of thought, by no means the totality. Only these four pieces are needed to distinguish this from the fine art of treating women well. To treat one’s woman well you must never act toward her as if she was a bitch. She might occasionally act like one and that time she said something you are pretty sure was a well-disguised jab at your mother you wanted to call her one, but your woman is never a bitch. We have a different word for that: “woman.” Nonsensical? Yes, and that is the point. Ever spent a good amount of time with a woman? Exactly.

There are four basic tenants to treating a woman well:

1. Be willing to go beyond positioning her happiness as the centerpiece of your relationship; place it alongside yours. When you perceive her wants and needs as important as you do your own you make it so that your happiness coincides with yours. Making her happy makes you happy. This is much more stable and healthy than the complete sacrifice of considerations of your happiness for hers because it is less draining, thus more easily maintained for a long period of time, and the intermingling of what makes you happy as individuals increases the likelihood of knowing what makes you a happy couple.



2. Remember that power is fluid. Couple this with a passion for your woman that ebbs and flows, but never dissipates. “Never” is one of those present tense feelings, when it becomes a future tense kind of thing she might be wifey material. There will always be a power struggle going on in any relationship (refer to the power struggle article), but this struggle can be more or less full of actual conflict. Again, consider it as an ebb and flow of power.



3. You are her personal sex slave. She is your personal porn star. However you two make it true is up to you. I can’t tell you what rocks your boat. But for the proper, mind-blowing, multi-orgasmic, leg-quaking, sheets-ruining, neighbor-waking, structural integrity altering treatment of your woman, this should be true.



4. You must fulfill the needs of your woman, superficial and otherwise. Buying her things is nice and a great distraction from her having caught you staring at the bitch at the register, but there is more than materialism at the core of a woman. Those things we all long for deep down inside (love, respect, caring, hugs, kisses, sympathy, passion, compassion, and things of the like), give her all of those, in abundance.

Yes, you must treat your woman well, but not quite as good as you would treat your wife. The art of treating your woman well is really the practice of wading in the gray area between training your bitch and loving your wife. I had to consult an older head a while ago about the proper way to love one's wife.

The wise man spoke to me of the three Ps: Providing, Protecting, and Proclaiming. The three Ps are for neither women nor bitches. The three Ps are reserved for the wife or wifey material. Wifey material is a potential wife with legitimate and not “blinded by the power of the P” potential (This P is not one of the original three). The power of the P has sent men to their graves, kings to poverty, and ships to sea. The power of the P is a separate article altogether. Let’s stay on topic.

The three Ps are straightforward and need no further defining. What is necessary is a description of their applicability.

1. Providing – This is the natural male desire to provide that drives the ego of so many, from boys to men. This is why most males will cringe to think that he would be out on a date and she would pay. This same drive has been turned against men. Bitches won’t even consider reaching for their purse at the end of the meal nowadays, knowing that he will do the work for her, questioning his own masculine identity based on his financial abilities.



2. Protecting – A guard dog barks at the unopened door regardless of the possibility that it’s a friendly face on the other side of the door. That’s all. That’s not meant to be a metaphor. For his wife, a male will constantly be aware of and concerned for her safety. This is easily confused with male territorialism. Territorialism has the male’s ego as its main concern making the defense of his personal property the highest priority. The easiest way to tell the difference is the accompanied marking habits and the placement of a bitch as the visible focal point.



3. Proclaiming – I wouldn’t walk into a room and scream, “This is my woman!” I also wouldn’t leave the room without the sexiest girls and the guys looking the thirstiest knowing that “this is MY woman.” There is a middle ground, but the level of proclamation needed differs per male, couple, setting, and time of day. The Facebook relationship status is the most well-known (and most disputed) form of proclamation for our age group. It is also the most useless. It does more to have your relationship known when you walk into the club than it does when dude is poking your woman on Facebook.

I remind you that the three Ps are for the wife or wifey material only. These are told to you for one reason: You treat one as less than the other. How do you know what wifey material is? She is everything the average woman is not. So what’s a woman? She is everything a bitch isn’t, which gets kind of complex because bitches ain’t shit. When we discussed a clearer way to simplify this complexity a member of the Birds and the Bees Staff suggested that “a woman is everything.”

The Bees: Deciding to Choose

By a Member of The Birds and the Bees' Staff

There is an idea about time that suggests that time is not linear and in fact branches off into separate and unique timelines every time we make a decision. Perhaps this is really an idea about parallel dimensions. No matter. What is important is the focal point of decision-making. We would typically assume that it would only be big decisions that could affect the direction of time. Time is not so shallow.

What is it that makes a decision a big one? Immediate degree of importance? The long term affect of the consequences on a person's life, psyche or emotions? Only in retrospect can we interpret a choice's impact. The availability of interpretation makes it such that all decisions must diverge into different timelines. Regardless of what we see as a “big” decision, they are all decisions we make and thus all of those made and those paths untaken must have consequences of some sort. If this idea has any truth to it, then we must every day, every moment, every instant decide to choose and follow the path of that choice to its end. Why? Because once the direction of time has been set we must travel its course. All attempts to undo will fail; you can't turn back the hands of time.

What does this psuedo-metaphysical bullshit have to do with relationships and communication? I'm not there yet.

There is an idea about a girl (or boy) that suggests that (s)he is the one. The perfect center between Mr(s). Right and Mr(s). Right-Now. Surely, it seems contradictory to say that since The One would be assumed to be Mr(s). Right. That is after all what makes them The One, right? Well, no, not always. This again is one of those things we can only know at relationship's end through our interpretation of the ending and our memories of all time before that. From what I've seen, The One has walked in and out of my life many times with just as many names and faces. And each time I was wrong about her. I only know that to be true today, of course, having had the time to reflect upon it. Our choices brought us together and our choices made us part ways. It would be impossible to pinpoint every “big” decision, but when you can see the Great Wall from space you can't deny its existence.

We believe choices like “Let's stay together” to be big decisions, especially when that means enduring the states' distance between us and many long-distance phone calls. We ignore the many small decisions that support that larger choice. Here's where it gets messy. We don't understand what is and isn't a small or big decision. Cheating and telecommunicating are both small and large decisions, respectively. Read that twice. See what I did there?

The decision to stay faithful in a long-distance relationship supports the meaning of your original decision to stay with your significant other despite what may come between you. It is the only thing that you do that genuinely decides whether or not you are still in the relationship you decided to stay in. Telecommunication is how you decide to play the character of a person in a relationship.

Similar to the government being the people with the monopoly on violence, your significant other is the person that has the monopoly on your physical intimacy. Now displace that person out of reach of your body for long periods of time and that monopoly is only rhetorical. You once again have the ability to do as you please so long as you are playing the part via text messages and lengthy phone calls. “This seems like the ramblings of the amoral,” creeps a whisper over my shoulder. No matter. This is the nature of the main decision to stay together. What become “big” decisions are those smaller choices to uphold the foundation of that rhetorical power over one's physical intimacy; those decisions that (s)he will most likely never know of.

These small choices have the largest impact on your relationship even if your partner is completely unaware. Keeping a steady flow of communication is the necessary and “big” decision, but your tone of voice when introduced to a new young (wo)man in the bar is a small decision of grand import. The choice to engage with the tone of voice you had locked away when your significant other was still here to maintain the monopoly is small in the moment. It was just a conversation... a really pleasant conversation. It is nice to be back out there talking to new people, getting fresh compliments, having your ego boosted and being told in different words that you “still got it.” Cheating is, in the end, a small decision that determines the truth of your Facebook profile's declaration that you are “in a relationship with...”

This is, of course, just one example to support, not an idea about time, but rather an idea bout decision-making. While time might diverge, we walk one path seamlessly unaware of what the decisions we didn't make could have brought to us. We can only know the consequences of the choice we did make, so it is of the utmost importance that we make the conscious decision to choose and follow that choice. When you choose to be with who may or may not be The One, you cannot know if (s)he is, but you must follow as if (s)he were because in the present you believe it to be true. When you make the “big” decision to stay together despite distance, it is only to your benefit to make the small and larger decisions necessary to maintain that to the full extent to which you actually decided to choose that direction in the fork in time. When you decide to choose you must follow that earnestly to its end. But if not, that is a new and separate choice that redirects the flow of time, with a path you must follow and a path you will never know.

The Birds: Mixing it up

By The Watcher

Typically, as humans, we are creatures of habit. We all have our own methods of how we live our lives. We usually take the same route home everyday. We order our food a certain way. We buy the same drinks when we go out. We shop at the same stores. Once we find a routine that suits us, we typically do not stray far from it.

Having a routine is how we organize our daily lives. The daily habits we create and maintain, lead to a wonderfully simplifying predictability in our daily lives. However being predictable can be the very thing that is holding you back from finding that mate you long to have. Being predictable can also be the fastest way to let the flame burn out in your relationship. There is a saying that goes, “if it ain't broke don't fix it”. If you are continuously running into dead-end companions then you need some variation in your life because what ever routine you have going for yourself is not helping you get the results you desire. If your relationship is not as exciting as it use to be in the past, you could use some variation in your routine as well. I’m not saying that all habits and routines are bad. However if your current habits and routine prove to be fruitless in the relationship department, then change is needed.

Change is good because disrupts a stagnant routine. You want your lifestyle to be more like a moving river instead of a stagnant lake. Rivers are ever flowing streams of fresh water that can be both gentle and exciting at the same time. Lakes are idle and inactive bodies of water that lack movement or continuity. When there is no change and energy you end up doing the same old thing, day after day. Most people are resistant to change because they feel they are losing control over their lives. However when it comes to breaking the monotony in your life, you are in control.

There are many single people out there that are frustrated with the opposite sex. In your mind you are doing everything you are suppose to be doing to find that great mate. You're staying in decent shape, keeping an up-to-date wardrobe, you're going out for happy hours and weekend events to be social. But nothing seems to work. For whatever reason you still end up right where you started, single and alone. Ladies, stop going after the badass guy at the bar. Yes, you may be attracted to him, BUT you cannot change him to be your knight in shining amour. Fellas, stop going after the skeeza in the mini-skirt with the tramp stamp on her back. You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.

If you are in a current relationship and you feel it is getting a little boring or dull, take it upon yourself to be spontaneous. Attempt to engage in new activities with your significant other that you two have not tried yet. Go on a surprise date. Leave them naughty notes in random places. Send them a dirty picture or two. Cook a meal together instead of going out to eat. Have sex in new positions than your standard 3 positions. Break out of the mundane and express yourself to your partner. You become complacent in a relationship when the activities you share with your partner become predictable and mundane. By not being continuously spontaneous and creative with your partner you allow the flame you two shared to slowly fizzle out. And as you know, an idle mind is the devil’s playground. If you are not staying on your partner’s mind, I’m here to tell you someone else is occupying that void you left. Hence, this opens the door to cheating and an eventual break up.

What I'm trying to say is, if you feel that you are in a funk, if you are in a relationship drought, if you feel like you are lonely and there is no one out there for you, I suggest you change the type of people you go seek. Break away from your current expectations of your desirable mate and expand your horizons. You may be surprised with who you are actually compatible with.

The Birds:Defibrillation is a Hell of a Drug

By Mr. SR...C

“You abandoned me, love don’t live here anymore. Just a vacancy, love don’t live here anymore.” Now that lady, Rose Royce, knows what she is talking about. The problem is that many cannot bring themselves to vacate that love. People want to hold on to that love, that painstaking heartache, that struggle for constant heart fluttering, but eventually the heart drops. It seems so many of us fall in love, but when that love has failed to be fruitful for us or our partner many cannot logically accept that that one time love has now soured, changing into a past love and no longer the love we once knew. Having loved or still loving someone does not mean that the love is meant to be consummated in relationship form.

Relationships end, yet it is so irrefutably clear that denial of that possibility in a relationship littered with “I love you” and “I love you too” hardly allows the relationship to end cleanly or even end definitely. Now I understand that when you love another person and they love you that it is very hard to rid yourself of those deep rooted and intense feelings. Feelings that make your body actually physically react to any situation concerning the other, so serious that if they hurt you your heart begins to ache, so embedded that when you look at them in the morning you cannot help but smile. Rose says it best “when you lived inside of me, there was nothing that I could conceive that you wouldn’t do for me.” That is some serious stuff, some serious, serious feelings. I do not know how many people have felt that way, but I know there are readers out there who have. A love so strong that you would do anything for the other person, short of taking a bullet, but then again there are those that would take that bullet willingly for the one they love. That’s the type of love that is rooted in one’s soul and that’s the type of love that if the relationship ends has to be channeled out of the very fabric of you’re being. Think colon cleanse; whole lot of shit to get rid of.

I am all about love and all that good stuff (like apple sauce and Aladdin), but when relationships that make it to the “Love Dimension” end they need to stay ended. On and off relationships in the “Love Dimension” from my experience are just relationships that have no actual possibility of progress. What I mean by that is even if after ten to eleven break-ups you end up getting married and\or having kids there still will be those reasons why you broke up the first, fifth, and eighth place. Missing someone and still loving them does not always justify going back into a situation that was broken. Your relationship ended because one or both parties had an issue that could not be resolved within the realm of the relationship ,so one or both parties ended it. The key is the phrase “break-up”. To “break-up” is to scatter, disperse, separate into pieces, ceasing to function as an organized unit, et cetera. You get the point. There are a multitude of reasons a “break-up” can occur, but, none the less, in a relationship where love is involved there usually is a serious enough reason for the parties to be separated because if you are in love only serious issues should drive you apart, right? So it just would make sense that even with that love, if you felt, your partner felt, or you both felt it was necessary to “break-up”, it would follow that getting back together would be a bad decision, right?

I do not know how popular my theory on this is going to be, but when such a drastic cut is made as to bludgeon the life out of a relationship full of love there should only be death. This is not a cartoon. This is not the Bible. There is no resurrection here, and if there is a resurrection the relationship is going to look like a zombie. Yes, the living dead. A grotesque version of what once was; Heidi Montag comes to mind. People seem to try to use the love once held or possibly still held to repair an already too damaged relationship. You have to get over it. Your heart’s going to be tugged by good memories, but remember if everything was always good you would not be single. Your soul is going to be screaming for you to go back to the familiar, but you have to remember to tell yourself “love don’t live here anymore” because the same love does not live there. You may think it is the same love but once you break-up with someone the love changes. It is no longer the first and purest strain. It is a muddied, bastardized version that you must realize is going to be weaker than the first go around. Dr. Frankenstein’s resurrected wife/girlfriend seems like a fair analogy. With love and break-ups it only makes the love weaker not stronger, you are just getting used to how easy it is to leave each other.

Rose Royce is talking about her lover finding another home and abandoning her, which is real specific, but she moved on as did her previous mate. You cannot believe in that old pure form of “love” that you had, because there is “just a vacancy” and that love you knew “don’t live here anymore”.

“Now time to sit down and unwind to the smooth vibes of the groove you jive sexy thangs. A love lost means there's love to be found, chocolate treats and body heat, call the fire department," Issac Hayes voice.

The Birds: EmotiCONS

By MD

Cheating is an act that isn't restricted to any one societal class, race, gender, or sexuality. The act which has been turned into what seems like a societal norm through television shows exposing individuals that decide to partake in one of America’s past-times, happens more often than we think. Cheating and betrayal can take place on two main levels: physical and emotional. We all know what physical cheating is and how we define it will differ depending on each person and their personal experience. While emotional cheating can also be defined based on an individual’s personal opinion, it also has a unique quality that does not exist on the physical level- the ability to be invisible in the early stages.

Both men and women cheat; however, through my experience, it seems that the two go about their deceitful ways differently. While both genders have the option to physical and emotionally cheat, it seems as if the two genders often end up with varying results. Through conversations with several individuals (both men and women), it seemed fair to say that men and women cheat physically as a result of dissatisfaction. However, coming up with reasons that men and women emotionally cheat proved to be the more difficult task.

Several people stated that they were unable to come up with situations where men would feel the need to emotionally cheat and how they would go about the act. I came up with an answer that may surprise some and enlighten others, “Men do cheat emotionally; however, they do not realize that it is emotionally cheating until the physical act has taken place.”

For example, if a man is a huge football fan; but, the woman that he is committed to would rather watch HGTV on Sundays, the male might find it more comforting to watch the game with a couple of his friends that do enjoy the Gridiron. The group may consist of both males and females; however, it feels like gender is not a part of the situation. The emotional cheating comes into play when the man feels as if he is unable to talk to his partner about the subject and can only speak to one of his female friends which share the same likes and dislikes. Although the male does not believe it is cheating, he is sharing a part of his life with another woman that he feels he is unable to share with the person he is committed too. We’ve all experienced situations where we discuss one topic with a friend and that leads to another topic which was not the original intent, but the end result. After a while, practice becomes habit and habit becomes natural. Thus, one connection leads to another, and another, until that male feels that they are in a Facebook relationship with the wrong person. Once this takes place- right around the time of the first awkward eye contact or goodbye- the emotional betrayal cycle has taken place and they are no longer buddies who just watch football on Sundays. They are now possibilities that seem endless.

Women, on the other hand, are able to emotionally cheat without having to include the physical aspect. Women are able to connect to men in other ways than their bedrooms- I’m not saying that men can’t do the same- but at some point, women are convinced that while sex may be important; it is not the end all. There are some that value money and stature; in addition to, some that value an emotional connection over The Playlist. After talking to a few women, it seemed as if finding a man that connects with them on an emotional level became increasingly harder to find over the years. Good sex can happen on a random weekend. Great sex can take place when you’re least expecting it. Mind-blowing sex normally comes along with the guy that doesn’t meet the “great guy” criteria- let’s be honest, guys have to be somewhat of an asshole to grab a handful of your hair. But a relationship where a woman feels that they are able to trust and confide in a man by allowing herself to become vulnerable comes once or twice in a lifetime. This can be created the exact same way that men are able to create a connection. The topic of conversation is not the key to the emotional connection from a woman’s perspective; however, the depth of the conversation leads to the bond. Many women are able to emotionally betray their partner without physically betraying them because many of them have had enough rope, handcuffs, or park settings in their lives- although, some could use a little more. This goes back to my sex without emotions point, but we’ll save that for another day and debate between myself and The Watcher.

In closing, the title of the article was chosen to show the purpose of the first step in emotional cheating for both men and women. Smiley faces here, and a wink there, result in laughter…which is good for the soul. This is not to say that whenever your partner decides they would like to watch something or do something with someone else, they are cheating. As long as an open line of communication on the topic remains present, everyone can breathe easy and enjoy the moments that they do share. By simply inquiring about the game that you do not understand will keep lines open and both parties happy. While getting more physical and more emotional with someone else are two ways to ruin a relationship, it seems as if getting more emotional is the only way to save one. The bottom line is exactly what this blog is about; communication with your significant other will lead to successes or failures. :) ;-) :( :-P :).

Q&A: Friends After the Fact

You may have noticed that we recently rearranged our schedule. Tuesdays and Thursdays are our regularly scheduled posts. We currently write under three major headers: “The Birds”, “The Bees”, and “Q&A”. “The Birds” is the weekly post every Tuesday rotating between the Birds and the Bees' Staff. Alternating as necessary, “The Bees” and “Q&A” are posted every Thursday. “The Bees” is the opportunity for any of the other three members of the Birds and the Bees Staff that weren't scheduled for the week to respond or simply get a thought off their chest. Kinda like Freestyle Fridays, but the prewriting is always better here with a much smoother delivery. “Q&A” is the same as always. For those of you not hip to the boogie, you send your question to thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com and we respond. Now you even know when to expect answers.

Without further ado...

Question: So I've been thinking recently, especially after reading the last two posts centered around the FWBs of the world, and also some of my own personal run-ins/encounters of late-- is it ever truly possible to develop and/or maintain a friendship post messing around? I feel like it's always addressed when it comes to friendship post an actual bf/gf relationship, but what about when you're in the FWB zone heavy for a couple of months and it dissipates for whatever reason-- does that mean cut all ties forever or what?

Answers:

The Watcher: This is a very sticky situation all around. There are so many variables that have to be accounted for that it is difficult to give you a clear yes or no answer. The best thing to do is to treat your former hook up as if they lived half way across the world. Stay in touch from time to time, small talk. Anything beyond this and you run the risk of stirring up old flames which can cause you to go around the "Mulberry Bush" once again.

MD:Yes, the point was to be able to be friends after it was all said and done, but let’s be honest, when
do things ever go according to plan? It would be nice to have a friendship with the person, but when you begin a future relationship, how are you going to explain your connection with your previous FWB? If you say that you won’t mention that part, realize that your new relationship is built on lies- evasion of the truth is a lie; and, if you do mention it, your current counterpart will always question your friendship in the back of their mind. So yes, it would be nice, but not realistic.

The Radical: There is a clear distinction between someone you fuck on a consistent basis but aren't dating and a friend with benefits. Someone you are fucking gets cut when you're done fucking. A friend with benefits is in the gray area when the two parties decide to remove the benefits from their relationship. You can try and go back to just being friends. Good luck. This requires the removal of the sexual attraction that was once there. Why? Because you have set a precedent and once that's there it's much harder to come up with good answers to “Why aren't we having sex right now?” It's been done before, but there has to be good reason for you two to not have sex, like a disfiguring car accident or the contraction of some STD... or one of you starts dating someone else. Be wary, that last reason still may not protect you.

Mr. SR...C: It is possible to maintain a friendship post genital to genital combat as long as both sides are not jealous of the others' future conquests. Honestly, the only reasons to cut all ties from a FWB situation are that one of the parties is too emotionally invested in the other or the ability to watch the other with a new partner drives one crazy. It’s simple, very simple, but most lose sight of that and, in turn, ruin the possibility of a friendship. If you are catching feelings please voice so immediately to avoid complications. We avid proponents of the beauty of FWBs would love a couple weeks notice to ease off of habitually blowing your back out. Just ease off the usage after you realize you have caught feelings and using a mutually understood technique friendship can hopefully still happen. Plus going cold turkey sucks, unless you have a couple of tenderonis on standby.

Hmmmmmm Tenderonis….

The Birds: Sexual Compatibility is Essential, Hence all the Flocking Together

By The Radical

Given the focused subject matters of The Birds and the Bees' blog, it only makes sense that we continually attempt to remain knowledgeable and decently read on the subject, so I found myself reading things online and came across Hot Alpha Female's (HAF) blog. Particularly, her post titled “The Irrelevance of Sexual Compatibility.” Let me state plainly, I disagree.

Having said that, I completely agree with her statement that “[t]he core things that are required to create the solid foundation of a relationship are shared values, open lines of communication, unconditional acceptance, honesty, courage, emotional maturity, and the need and desire for both people to put their relationship first.” While the amalgamation of these things are a solid foundation for a relationship, they are hardly cumulative into sexual compatibility.

To avoid a crucial mistake that allows HAF to make many of her arguments there is a need to define “sexual compatibility” as an independent concept to be discussed. Busby et al. (2010) define “sexual chemistry” as “ a 'mysterious, physical, emotional, and sexual state' that when present in a relationship creates something 'unique and explosive'” (pg 767). I will take this a step further granting this definition with finer applications of context to define the concept at hand. This undefinable “something” has certain conditions necessary for it to be present in a relationship. When these conditions are met, then sexual chemistry becomes sexual compatibility. The crux of this distinction is “compatibility.”

Compatibility is the rhetorical crux of this distinction. The primary distinguishing feature in practice is everything sexual beyond missionary position in a private room with the lights off. I do mean everything sexual. Outside of sex at its simplest, compatibility becomes a factor beyond the sexual chemistry of two people. It might fit like lock and key, but it has to unlock the door.

Where compatibility really matters is that space in time when you decide to move beyond the most basic of sexual practices. HAF indicates that the lack of sexual compatibility is actually a symptom of a breakdown of the aforementioned key components of a relationship's foundation. HAF goes on to say that “ a healthy relationship will have a healthy sex life.” This line is the clear indication of the assumption of a correlation in which a couple's sex life is the dependent variable attached to the facets of their relationship's “foundation”. Foolishness.

HAF soon expresses what she feels to be the root cause of sexual incompatibility: “the woman withholding the true expression of her femininity – and the absence of a strong masculine energy to draw it out.” This masculine and feminine dynamic becomes the base cause of relationship breakdown, which pushes sexual incompatibility to the furthest background as a symptom of other symptoms. If this doesn't make sense to you, that's okay because it doesn’t make sense to me either.

So the expression of the two partners' (in a heterosexual relationship) masculine and feminine energies is what makes for good sex? In her section titled “Understanding a woman 101,” HAF provides a fuller description of how the masculine and feminine energies interact: “You project. She Absorbs.” The feminine energy which erupts as sexual energy is controlled by the masculine energy. This is a dominant and submissive relationship in which the male partner acts as the catalyst that unlocks the “little sex kitten” in the woman, thus making sexual compatibility a matter of constant male dominance and reciprocated female submission, suggesting further that the male's dominance must be over the woman “emotionally, mentally, and intellectually” since these are the areas which HAF emphasizes as the crucial components for sexual compatibility. Although I agree that every relationship has characteristics of a dominant and submissive relationship, HAF is off base in her interpretation of how these characteristics are engaged within a relationship.

Think I have misconstrued HAF's interpretation by clearly highlighting the the aspects of dominance and submission? Read again HAF's statement that “[i]f you can continually re-establish, nourish, and protect her safety on all levels she will have no reason to withhold [sex].” HAF shows here that there is the need for the dominant masculine energy to engulf the feminine energy such that a persistent safety net secures the woman's emotional availability for sex. Even her sexual desires are muted in the face of the overwhelmingly dominant masculine energy,

“When a woman feels comfort, safety, protection, excitement, and happiness about herself in relation to a man and the relationship she will DO ANYTHING to keep that man happy. Her preferences of what she likes and does not like will go out the window.”

To state plainly HAF's meaning as read, control her emotionally and you control her pussy. Not an original theory really since Bobby and Ike suggested the same thing many years ago (and were quite successful for it).

Alright, enough with the dry literary analysis. Let's get to the point proper. Sexual compatibility is crucial in any relationship, not as an afterthought, not as a third tier symptom of borderline spousal abuse, and certainly not as a product of these obscure, ephemeral masculine and feminine energies. Two parties enter into a relationship in which they meet in a variety of areas, one of which being the shared desires for sex at a similar pace and in a similar style. The hyper-aggressive dominatrix will not do well with the hyper-masculine male with no desire to submit in the bedroom. Neither desire what is called “vanilla” sex, but neither of them play the role to submit to the other. This makes for an awkward bedroom excursion in which a fight just might break out.

Fellas, when your next random hook-up punches you in the face pre-orgasm, you will or will not like it. If this is what she needs to get off, no matter how many times you can recite to her her favorite foods, movies, and books, your fulfillment of her “emotional needs” still won't get her rocks off unless you enjoy or at least continuously allow her blunt faceshots. And here is where compatibility matters. Is she going to condemn herself to the duration of a relationship without an orgasm? Shit, I wouldnt. Then again how many girls have slept with me and I've just never done it for them? Ladies feel free to comment and let me know.

Sexual compatibility is slightly different from sexual chemistry in that it is what goes beyond the levels that HAF focuses on in her article. The sexual chemistry that one can feel during a first date across a dinner table is completely different than the sexual compatibility that one may or may not feel when you find yourself at their house later that evening walking into their bedroom finely decorated with hardcore, tentacle Hentai posters as they exhaustively describe the school girl costume they would like you to wear during sex. If gooey demonic appendages entering your orifices in the most aggressive of ways isn't your thing, then what about the pleasant dinner conversation has suddenly made it so?

Exactly.

The Bees: Know Your “Benefits” Package

By The Watcher

I'm with M.D when he says that the friend with benefits (FWB) relationship does not work. However, I do believe that the theory behind FWB can work if both parties involved know the rules. In this article I will rebut the previous article, “The Birds: The S.E.X.” You can have a just sex relationship without emotions. It is possible to achieve. Do not let those who have failed to have a successful FWB relationship steer you in the wrong direction. Don’t be fooled. Don’t be swindled. Take it from someone with years of experience in being friends with women while sharing the perk of giving and receiving some special benefits behind closed doors. Get ready to take notes because I am going to break down how the theory behind the FWB relationship can work when it is done the right way. Here are the rules you MUST follow:

1. Find your acquaintance outside your current circle of friends that you have little to no connection with. The further outside your circle the better. You do not need to see them constantly. Therefore co-workers should NOT be in your selection pool. And they should never be an EX.

2. Negotiate a contract so that both of you agree and understand that you two are acquaintances and can hang out with whomever you want and you can sleep with whomever you want.

3. Continuously keep your options open. You are single throughout this whole relationship, so act like it.

4. Do not go on dates alone with your acquaintance whether they are romantic or not. If you two plan on hanging out in public, make sure it is with other people. You two are not trying to court each other, so why do you need to go out to dinner and a movie? You are acquaintances keep it that way.

5. Do not invite your acquaintance to family or work functions. You do not want to send the wrong message to them or anyone else.

6. Remember a FWB is simply a known booty-call that you do not mind spending some time with.

7. If you or the other person begins to show signs of having feelings, discuss what you both want to do with this change. The only two viable answers are to become a couple or cut things off and move on. Any other option would lead to drama.

The most common mistake that people make when trying to have a successful “friends with benefits” relationship is that they do not realize that the word “friend” in the phrase “friends with benefits” should not be defined as what you normally think of as a friend. In my opinion, the title should be “acquaintance with benefits.” Once you forget that you and the person you just want to have sex with are nothing more than acquaintances that engage in sexual activities, then the whole attempt at being FWB is ruined. As a matter of fact, society should just be done with the phrase “friends with benefits” and go back to the 1990's and call the acts what they really are: booty-calls. I believe that if you simply change what you call the relationship, everything will be put into its proper place.

To make a booty-call relationship function you must keep your options open! If you are having sex with one person and devoting all of your time to them, then you are not only acquaintances, but also something more. You are what the Birds and Bee’s Staff call being stuck in the “gray area” (Refer to Communication: Avoiding the Gray Area). I’m not saying go out and find other sexual partners. However, you need to be actively engaged in the “Hunt” with more than one person if you plan to have a successful booty-call relationship. You need to be on the market with a sign on your forehead that reads “open for business”. You are single and still looking to mingle while in a booty-call relationship.

This tactic is a constant reminder to your acquaintance and yourself that you are still playing the field while reaping the benefits of what your acquaintance has to offer. The goal here is to not make yourself readily available whenever your acquaintance decides they want to “chill” or “watch a movie”. Remember the person in the relationship who cares the least always has the upper hand. If your acquaintance forgets that you two are just acquaintances, you need to refer them to the contract you two agreed on. If they want to renegotiate the contract, the only options should be to enter a monogamous relationship or go your separate ways.

Umm, sex without emotions is pointless?!?! Who told M.D that lie? Sex is a great exchange between two people when it is performed right. I also totally disagree that a man should be trying to touch the soul of every woman he sleeps with. A man should only be trying to touch the soul of a woman they are willing to call girlfriend, fiancé or wife. If you are not trying to call a woman one of those titles then you should be trying to make her believe you “Invented Sex”. You should want her to think, “He is the ‘Best I Ever Had’” as you make her “Bedrock” to “Birthday Sex”. The point of having sex without emotions is to satisfy your sexual appetite. We all have sexual urges and desires and sometimes (both men and women) just want to have an itch scratched without any emotions involved. Sex without emotions might not be the best sex but there is a point to it.

Drama only occurs in a booty-call relationship when the two parties do not understand how to make it work.

The booty-call relationship is NOT for everyone, by the way. booty-calls are NOT for you if:

1. You are really looking for a relationship and agreed to be a booty-call to keep the other person around. You will simply get your feelings HURT.

2. You are insecure. If want someone to say and do nice things for you outside of the bedroom then the booty-call relationship is not for you.

3. You are a controlling and overprotective person. The booty-call relationship is about not having control and you are controlling you will only push the other person away. The booty-call relationship is not for you.

4. You have a hard time moving on. If you are a clinger, the booty-call relationship is not for you. You will get left behind for another.

Takes Millions of Years to Create a Diamond

By A Member of the Birds and Bees' Staff

Booze, a.c., and a ton of poles, what a great place! I look around and all I see are beautiful flowers with an aroma fitting of angels. The juxtaposition of this place is impossible to deny with the beauty of movement mixed with the tainted desire of the viewers, yet here is where my life changes. I move into a realm of complete and utter paralysis when I see the incredible smile of a woman no man should have the right to lay eyes on. Her flowing hair is unlike anything I have ever seen. She is a goddess and me her temple patron.

Then it happens. I say in a confident yet slightly timid tone “hello, my name is…” and the rest is history. It was like we had always known each other. She laughed at my jokes, always had a drink ready for me when I came to visit, always took me back to her room by the end of the night, it was perfect. Never imagined I would find someone so special. It was like every need I had she catered to, and I had no problem assisting her financially when it was necessary. We were two peas in the pod of ecstasy unmatched. Fooling around is what we did every time we saw each other because she had specific rules about the amount of physical contact allowed. I completely understood like a dog hooked up to those electric fences, just don’t leave the yard, so my hands kept their distance and my mini soldier was never deployed for active duty. I accepted everything because I expected that one day we would have such a special moment on our wedding night that it would be like the Gods wept drowning Mt. Kilimanjaro in the process.

I was wrong, so wrong. I expected this goddess to be “my everything” and me her “all the time”. That never happened. She became “my everything,” but I was just “a great guy”. She was my morning sky, but I was just “really nice”. She was the ketchup to my hotdog, while I was just the pickle juice to her dislike for everything pickle. I was miserable and did not understand how all my expectations for the relationship could be so wrong. It was as if I could not see the writing on the wall that these expectations were totally off the wall. My goddess was really not my goddess; she just made me feel like I was the most important thing to her, when in actuality I was just another guy. I expected a future in which we would have a “Leave it to Beaver” type of life for our kids. None of that happened, none of it, I was a fool. The woman I thought would forever be mine from the first hello was my "never” from my first glimpse of her, but I expected so much, how unrealistic of me.

Unrealistic relationship expectations plague many. Going into any relationship thinking that a person is going to do and live up to certain things is fine, but don’t go too far. It is easy to look for perfection when perfection is not possible in the imperfect perfection of the world. Relationships are the avenue through which you can build goals and have expectations applicable to the mate you have chosen. If you choose a guy who has a terrible track record when it comes to being faithful and you are aware, do not expect that all of a sudden you will be the one to change him. If you choose a woman who is dedicated to gossiping about others, don’t expect that in a year she will just stop. There are those that believe that they can expect changes in their mate over time, by working on them, sorry to burst your bubble, but a duck is a duck. I grant that some people can change but when you expect there to be a change you are almost throwing cake in your own face off the bat.

Now in most relationships that I have seen fail there is always, almost always the element of expecting one partner to make changes in order for it to work. I have no problem with change but I do have a problem with expecting change. Yes, a little confusing but let me explain. Starting an actual monogamous relationship is a contract. It is a contract that stipulates I am willing to be with you and only you because at this point I want no one else but you (It’s a cute little sentiment, I’m a big fan). This point in the relationship is where everything is overwhelming out to bare if you are able to objectively look at what you are getting into (objectivity tends to be a lacking brain function sadly in such situations). The contract negotiation phase is probably the most important, but it seems most people just over look it for the promise of at least a month of jack rabbit humping sessions, leg cramps, and water breaks. Contract negotiating is the space in time when you start having feelings for each other deeper than physical attraction and before you actually make it officially an exclusive tango. During this period there will be some disagreements, noticing some things that may bother you, enjoying things that you may think are great, some sex, a little sex, or no sex (everyone has their own speed), and figuring out whether you want to give up the other options that a world of something like 6 billion people has to offer.

Negotiation's importance is due to the fact that it can set the ground work for what to expect and what not to bank on happening. If you both decide that monogamy is the way to go congratulations but be real with each other. In this period, there can be small issues or big ones and I will try to lay out the difference between these issues and how to handle them if it is a situation that applies to you. I believe that there are some negotiation phases that only have minor issues while others have enormous problems. A small issue could be his constant nail biting before you were going out and it probably is going to be more irritating when you’ve been with him for a year. If her baby voice was cute when you were just trying to hit it but is not now that she is about to be your wifey please speak up. If his burping words are bothersome before being official it’ll probably drive you crazy later. If her constant correcting of the grammar in your sentences when talking pushes buttons now imagine in two years how you might flip. It is so unfortunate when little things that could be addressed in the forefront can ruin a promising relationship, SO SPEAK UP! YOU’RE ADULTS! Nothing worse than a waste of time, well maybe busting a nut too fast but then again if it were a race I would have been Husain Bolt.

My disclaimer for this next paragraph is that the issues that are going to be arisen should be noticed prior to even thinking of a relationship with someone. You cannot get to the little things if the big issues are staring you in the face; it is a useless way to try to build a relationship. If the large issues are there run for the hills or iron them out before locking yourself into a turbulent ride. I digress, with little things addressed now during some negotiations people find themselves in what I call “IF YOU DON’T SEE IT YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT” in short “Benet”. Now this works one of two ways. One way is that the person you are potentially going to go out with is a player, hoe, or overall does not make your life better/easier. I grant that there are times when people can hide this side of them from you and deceive you, but what I mind is that in most cases this is not the case. Most wolves in the relationship world wear wolves' clothing. They usually are right in front of you fangs showing, but sometimes people get caught in seeing that fang as a jewel rather than a tool to devour you, your life, and your other relationships. Now in this case you are getting “Beneted” because just like Halle Berry you married a wolf who convinced you otherwise even though s/he has crimson blood dripping from those pretty fangs making you look like a “Fucking Idiot”(excuse my Mandarin). The other way that “Benet” works is that your potential mate is a freaking gem that has so many qualities that are on your list and more for the perfect mate. The problem here is you don’t see it or won’t see it due to a feeling of needing to keep your options open or just not being able to tell you’ve found one of the good ones. In this case, you are self “Beneting”, ruining a relationship with a person who could be great or is great for you. You are letting your Halle Berry go by your own self destruction. You sir/miss are a “Fucking Idiot” (excuse my English).

With the phase of negotiation being passed, it is time to understand the contract. This is probably the simplest part before signing. People can change for better or for worse when in the confines of a relationship, but to expect after the negotiation phase changes that were not discussed to take place is a fool’s bet. If it was not something handled before signing over your right to other sexual orifices and pipe like structures then do not expect change for your benefit to just happen. It does not work that way and never has. A cheater before marriage is a cheater during marriage and cheater after marriage, unless some supernatural shit happens like the ghosts of intercourses past. Change cannot be forced on another it is for them to take ownership and want to do it. Essentially when the contract is signed the fate of the relationship is now based in the agreements and bylaws within concerning change. So public service announcements “If it’s small SPEAK UP! “ and “Benet is not the way”, as an advocator of healthy long lasting relationships these are slogans geared toward your happiness.

By the way “my everything” from earlier in the article was a stripper named Pink Diamond, yea I’m a “Fucking Idiot” (excuse my cough).

If it looks like a dead end, has a sign like a dead end, then it's a...

Q&A time again, kids! The formula hasn't changed. Our email address (Thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com) plus your desire to have a question answered equals a Q&A post! It's like algebra, but way better.

Oh! Ladies, if you are easily offended and hate acknowledging the truth sometimes, read a different post.

Question: I am having a problem with a young lady. We are not dating but we are very very very close if you know what I'm saying. Now she has said many times we are not together but when I act that way she gets all mad and calls me insensitive and inattentive to her emotional well being. But my whole thing is this, BITCH THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR!! I buy you flowers and you act weird. I talk sweet to you and you push me away. So I ease up and just do me and now she’s all pissy. What would you do?

Answers:
Mr. SR…C: If someone does not want to be with you and you want more than they are willing to give move on. You’re a place holder until she finds someone she wants to be with, harsh but when she says she does not want to be with you she means it. Clearly she is giving you every reason to find another woman or stop messing with her but you will not take it. When she finally hurts your feelings she probably will say “I told you we were not together, so I can’t see why you are mad that I found someone else”.

Listen to James and Bobby Purify “I’m Your Puppet”…sounds like whoever this young lady is has had some practice pulling strings.

The Radical: I can’t remember who said to me that “bitches like to be disrespected,” and although the wording is more…well, no, I wouldn’t word it any differently out of earshot of some women (i.e. respectable women). You have the option to pursue her as you are currently, hoping that she realizes that the games aren’t working, or you can play the game better and just stop. She's either telling you the truth when she behaves like the relationship route isn't one she wants to walk down (actions speak louder than megaphones) or she's fronting like that Pharrell song and not really worth the effort anyways, unless you enjoy the thought of dating (or just being exclusive with) a girl that is going to continuously play those power struggle games of constantly proving one's worth and desire. Fuck that.

MD: I'm sorry to tell you...actually no I'm not, nobody wants what they can have (look at yourself for example). You gave her every option, the ability to make every decision, and the right to your pride before she would even call you her man. This is harsh, but this is a learning experience for you. In the future, you will not put anyone woman above yourself nor will you allow a woman to dictate your life and agenda. So give her what she wants and if she comes chasing, you'll run away faster; but if she doesn't, you'll move on the next one...and the next one, and the next one.

The Watcher: I once heard in the power struggle of a relationship, the one that cares the least or appears to care the least has the upper hand. Right now you are like a sad puppy dog chasing after a moody owner who picks and chooses when she will give you the attention you deserve. So you can either fight or flight. Fight to get on the same page by demanding she practices what she is preaching or play Trey Songz' "Last Time" after you tell her you are taking your talents to South Beach to swim in another girl's ocean.

We Need Sex: Research

By A Member of the Birds and Bees' Staff

What is it that constitutes sex in a relationship? I once had an argument with a girlfriend because she saw me holding another girl's hand (platonically). Not sex, but if this is enough to for her to complain that I was freely distributing my affection, than surely there is a similar interpretation of sex out there. “No, baby, I did not have sex with that woman. It was just a blowjob. If Congress doesn't consider that sex how can you?” And so forth. Where is the brightline on sex?

This brightline is necessary for considerations beyond cheating. Long distance lovers find this to be very true very quickly. Mutual masturbation via Skype, oovoo or iChat may be all that is needed for some to continue having their sexual needs met even though their partner is far from them. Others find that text cyber sex is the best way to roleplay through fantasies. The act of masturbation is undisclosed and there are many more possibilities. The alternative of phone sex adds the element of voice while still avoiding the potential awkwardness of watching a lover touch themselves in their favorite way (more often than not a way very different than how you've been doing it all this time). But are these even sex? Sure they generate and possibly redirect sexual energy that has been building, but do they satisfy the need for sex?

There is a need for me to do some research and give deep thought to my upcoming article. Please join me in a bit of reader participation in creating the data to which I will apply my personal theories. The following survey is asking you about the importance of sex in a relationship. I have a thought about it and I want you to prove me right or wrong in numbers. Don't worry, I know that you guys will hold to exactly what I know to be true. And don't try and prove me wrong. You've already gotten the wrong idea about my goal.

Here's the survey link...here.