The Bees: The Features to Look for in a Good Wingman

By The Birds and the Bees' Staff

So you made the mistake once of taking your mother out with you to the club. Ten failed missions later you turned to her and just couldn't figure out what you were doing wrong. How could you be failing so miserably tonight? It couldn't be your outfit. You felt the flyest you've felt since prom. What could be the issue? Then you look back to the dance floor to see if that brunette was still around and see your mother raging to the new Britney Spears single. There it is. You fucked up and brought the wrong support staff to the operation. The guy with the World Beat-boxing title belt can't help when you need a sniper. Here are some essential traits to look for when designating a wingman for your night out.

Definition: Wingman: (noun) the catalyst for love or getting in them cheeks, you got him who needs a fucking arrow.

1. First Off - Your wingman does NOT have to be of the same sex as you. This may be shocking but girls can be potentially great wingwomen for guys. They are usually able to identify other women in the area who are open to meeting new guys. Also they are typically great at making the guy look good. Other women are more prone to listen to another female complimenting a guy than a guy complimenting a guy. Think about it.
   


2. Altruism - Your wingman has to be willing to take one for the team (if they are of the same sex). Now, taking one for the team does have boundaries. You should only ask your wingman to take a bullet you would HONESTLY take for him or her. To figure out the boundaries, you should pick a spot in the club and observe people as they come by and discuss if you would hit it or not. If you two are on the same page then you can start invading different territories. If you guys are far off, then reconsider that person as a wingman.
   + Remember: Your wingman should have your best interests in mind, be it related to achieving your goal or making sure your beer goggles don't get the best of you.
   


3. Good Looks - Ladies: pick a wingman as sexy as you, never sexier, and dress him or her in an outfit slightly less sexy than yours.Fellas: pick a wingman of equal attractiveness so long as you are at least moderately attractive. You never want to be outshined. You also never want to be in a pack of ugly people.
   


4. Confidence - Or Swag. However you look at it, the wingman must be able to hold the attention of the other team’s defense.
   


5. Conversationalist - You have to find someone who can have an interesting conversations about anything. Your wingman needs to be well rounded. They need to be able to talk about work, music, the cornball guy on the dance floor trying to get laid, the weather, popular bars/clubs in town or anything of the sorts. People who can only passionately talk about 1-2 subjects do not make useful wingmen.
   


6. Genuine Acting Skills - If the wing man is unable to appear genuine in the approach of the friend, the friend will be genuine in the genital blocking of the star.
   


7. Great Passing - If s/he doesn't know how to throw an alley, then s/he needs to be left at home. Poor passing is akin to cock-blocking.
   


8. Hater Blocker – A wingman must be skilled in handling hate. If a wingman encounters a hater in the group who is attempting to sabotage the mission, the wingman must be able to deflect the hate and preoccupy that person to give the lead person a chance to close the deal.
   


9. Emotionless - If the wing man is in fact rejected, the ability to gracefully bow out can go a long way in the success of their teammate. The time that was taken to reject them, leaves the time it should take for the lead teammate to secure a dance/drink/topic of conversation that will ward off any blockers.
   


10. Quality over Quantity - You do not need an army of wingmen to to get results. A skilled army of two can cause just as much damage as the average army of 3 or more.
    
    + Your wingman must be able to hold a conversation with more than one person at a time. An army of 2 must be able to go up to a group of 3 or more people and maintain good conversation. The leader person should be able to make his/her move while the wingman captures the attention of everyone else.

So it is hard to construct a list of what makes a perfect wingman. The only core quality there seems to be is that the wingman can inherently understand time, place, score, and the best decision for the good of his teammate. A wingman is something like a general, a point guard if you will, but different situations, most times, require a general comfortable in certain environments. You would not want an expert nautical tactician trying to make a battle plan for a ground battle, simply put. Now there are cases where there are wingmen who have an all encompassing grasp of wingmanology with the ability to be a tactical savant in any environment, but that is very rare. The essence of the wingman is the understanding of what buttons to push to lead to the success of their friend, whether it’s a one night booty rodeo, digits for possible fireworks, or just building a rapport for a future encounter.

Leave mom at home.

The Birds: EmotiCONS

By MD

Cheating is an act that isn't restricted to any one societal class, race, gender, or sexuality. The act which has been turned into what seems like a societal norm through television shows exposing individuals that decide to partake in one of America’s past-times, happens more often than we think. Cheating and betrayal can take place on two main levels: physical and emotional. We all know what physical cheating is and how we define it will differ depending on each person and their personal experience. While emotional cheating can also be defined based on an individual’s personal opinion, it also has a unique quality that does not exist on the physical level- the ability to be invisible in the early stages.

Both men and women cheat; however, through my experience, it seems that the two go about their deceitful ways differently. While both genders have the option to physical and emotionally cheat, it seems as if the two genders often end up with varying results. Through conversations with several individuals (both men and women), it seemed fair to say that men and women cheat physically as a result of dissatisfaction. However, coming up with reasons that men and women emotionally cheat proved to be the more difficult task.

Several people stated that they were unable to come up with situations where men would feel the need to emotionally cheat and how they would go about the act. I came up with an answer that may surprise some and enlighten others, “Men do cheat emotionally; however, they do not realize that it is emotionally cheating until the physical act has taken place.”

For example, if a man is a huge football fan; but, the woman that he is committed to would rather watch HGTV on Sundays, the male might find it more comforting to watch the game with a couple of his friends that do enjoy the Gridiron. The group may consist of both males and females; however, it feels like gender is not a part of the situation. The emotional cheating comes into play when the man feels as if he is unable to talk to his partner about the subject and can only speak to one of his female friends which share the same likes and dislikes. Although the male does not believe it is cheating, he is sharing a part of his life with another woman that he feels he is unable to share with the person he is committed too. We’ve all experienced situations where we discuss one topic with a friend and that leads to another topic which was not the original intent, but the end result. After a while, practice becomes habit and habit becomes natural. Thus, one connection leads to another, and another, until that male feels that they are in a Facebook relationship with the wrong person. Once this takes place- right around the time of the first awkward eye contact or goodbye- the emotional betrayal cycle has taken place and they are no longer buddies who just watch football on Sundays. They are now possibilities that seem endless.

Women, on the other hand, are able to emotionally cheat without having to include the physical aspect. Women are able to connect to men in other ways than their bedrooms- I’m not saying that men can’t do the same- but at some point, women are convinced that while sex may be important; it is not the end all. There are some that value money and stature; in addition to, some that value an emotional connection over The Playlist. After talking to a few women, it seemed as if finding a man that connects with them on an emotional level became increasingly harder to find over the years. Good sex can happen on a random weekend. Great sex can take place when you’re least expecting it. Mind-blowing sex normally comes along with the guy that doesn’t meet the “great guy” criteria- let’s be honest, guys have to be somewhat of an asshole to grab a handful of your hair. But a relationship where a woman feels that they are able to trust and confide in a man by allowing herself to become vulnerable comes once or twice in a lifetime. This can be created the exact same way that men are able to create a connection. The topic of conversation is not the key to the emotional connection from a woman’s perspective; however, the depth of the conversation leads to the bond. Many women are able to emotionally betray their partner without physically betraying them because many of them have had enough rope, handcuffs, or park settings in their lives- although, some could use a little more. This goes back to my sex without emotions point, but we’ll save that for another day and debate between myself and The Watcher.

In closing, the title of the article was chosen to show the purpose of the first step in emotional cheating for both men and women. Smiley faces here, and a wink there, result in laughter…which is good for the soul. This is not to say that whenever your partner decides they would like to watch something or do something with someone else, they are cheating. As long as an open line of communication on the topic remains present, everyone can breathe easy and enjoy the moments that they do share. By simply inquiring about the game that you do not understand will keep lines open and both parties happy. While getting more physical and more emotional with someone else are two ways to ruin a relationship, it seems as if getting more emotional is the only way to save one. The bottom line is exactly what this blog is about; communication with your significant other will lead to successes or failures. :) ;-) :( :-P :).

Q&A: Friends After the Fact

You may have noticed that we recently rearranged our schedule. Tuesdays and Thursdays are our regularly scheduled posts. We currently write under three major headers: “The Birds”, “The Bees”, and “Q&A”. “The Birds” is the weekly post every Tuesday rotating between the Birds and the Bees' Staff. Alternating as necessary, “The Bees” and “Q&A” are posted every Thursday. “The Bees” is the opportunity for any of the other three members of the Birds and the Bees Staff that weren't scheduled for the week to respond or simply get a thought off their chest. Kinda like Freestyle Fridays, but the prewriting is always better here with a much smoother delivery. “Q&A” is the same as always. For those of you not hip to the boogie, you send your question to thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com and we respond. Now you even know when to expect answers.

Without further ado...

Question: So I've been thinking recently, especially after reading the last two posts centered around the FWBs of the world, and also some of my own personal run-ins/encounters of late-- is it ever truly possible to develop and/or maintain a friendship post messing around? I feel like it's always addressed when it comes to friendship post an actual bf/gf relationship, but what about when you're in the FWB zone heavy for a couple of months and it dissipates for whatever reason-- does that mean cut all ties forever or what?

Answers:

The Watcher: This is a very sticky situation all around. There are so many variables that have to be accounted for that it is difficult to give you a clear yes or no answer. The best thing to do is to treat your former hook up as if they lived half way across the world. Stay in touch from time to time, small talk. Anything beyond this and you run the risk of stirring up old flames which can cause you to go around the "Mulberry Bush" once again.

MD:Yes, the point was to be able to be friends after it was all said and done, but let’s be honest, when
do things ever go according to plan? It would be nice to have a friendship with the person, but when you begin a future relationship, how are you going to explain your connection with your previous FWB? If you say that you won’t mention that part, realize that your new relationship is built on lies- evasion of the truth is a lie; and, if you do mention it, your current counterpart will always question your friendship in the back of their mind. So yes, it would be nice, but not realistic.

The Radical: There is a clear distinction between someone you fuck on a consistent basis but aren't dating and a friend with benefits. Someone you are fucking gets cut when you're done fucking. A friend with benefits is in the gray area when the two parties decide to remove the benefits from their relationship. You can try and go back to just being friends. Good luck. This requires the removal of the sexual attraction that was once there. Why? Because you have set a precedent and once that's there it's much harder to come up with good answers to “Why aren't we having sex right now?” It's been done before, but there has to be good reason for you two to not have sex, like a disfiguring car accident or the contraction of some STD... or one of you starts dating someone else. Be wary, that last reason still may not protect you.

Mr. SR...C: It is possible to maintain a friendship post genital to genital combat as long as both sides are not jealous of the others' future conquests. Honestly, the only reasons to cut all ties from a FWB situation are that one of the parties is too emotionally invested in the other or the ability to watch the other with a new partner drives one crazy. It’s simple, very simple, but most lose sight of that and, in turn, ruin the possibility of a friendship. If you are catching feelings please voice so immediately to avoid complications. We avid proponents of the beauty of FWBs would love a couple weeks notice to ease off of habitually blowing your back out. Just ease off the usage after you realize you have caught feelings and using a mutually understood technique friendship can hopefully still happen. Plus going cold turkey sucks, unless you have a couple of tenderonis on standby.

Hmmmmmm Tenderonis….

Let’s Be Friends: All Around the Mulberry Bush

By A Member of The Birds and the Bees' Staff

Things are going south and they are going south fast. You and your significant other are on the breaking point and you can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. You have tried to work out the issues that you have with each other, but for some reason it just isn’t working out. So you decide to break up because it will make both of you happy. You two have shared some great moments together despite the recent turn of events so you figure, “we should stay in touch and try to be friends”, because you feel that’s the right thing to do. However, there is a right way to do this and a wrong reason to do this. The wrong way of doing this causes you to skip around what I call the Mulberry Bush.

The Mulberry Bush is a backdoor that many people like to leave open after ending a long-term (1 year +) relationship. The Mulberry Bush represents a security net that both men and women like to create as a way to decrease the feelings of loneliness. It is driven by the human desire to be wanted and loved by someone else. When one does not feel wanted or loved, they tend to go back to the last place or person that fulfilled that basic human desire, i.e. they knock on that backdoor regardless of whether the person on the other side has changed or not. The problem with circling the Mulberry Bush is: you hinder yourself from moving on, you hinder your ex’s ability to change, which can ultimately cause you to waste time going around the Mulberry Bush.
Without substantial time apart from your ex, I do not believe you can move forward. I do not believe you can just become friends with someone you have just been actively intimate with. Once the gates of intimacy are opened, they take a long time to close. Regardless of how much you think you would never date the person again, if you remain in constant contact with your ex after the relationship, your chances of falling back into the same routine as if you’re still dating are increased. Sooner or later you will share more intimate moments and the same issues that caused you two to break up will resurface again. Hence you will be back at step one, breaking up again.

I do believe in second chances, and trying things again, however, some kind of change must occur. Change cannot occur overnight. It is a gradual process. Therefore, if you want to be friends with your ex because you believe one day you two will try to rekindle what you once had, then time and space is needed. Before someone can change, their level of present discomfort must rise to the level that causes them to alter their current behavior. They must see for themselves the behavior you do not agree with and agree that it needs to be changed. If you are constantly around them, they will feel like the issue isn’t a big enough deal that they need to fully change. Remember most people don’t realize what they have until it is gone. So go away for some time and allow your ex to miss you if you want to rekindle the relationship one day.

The aftermath of ending a relationship can be a whirlwind. Everything you have come to know and expect, your whole routine is thrown off. A new void has been created in your life and it needs to be filled. You can either consciously come up with a game plan of how you will deal with ALL of the free time you will have being single or you can do nothing and allow loneliness to creep in and fill the void. I suggest you fill the void with some new or old extra curricular activities: causal dating, new or old hobbies, going out with other single friends to social settings or events, etc. The best thing for you to do is remain busy. Feelings of loneliness creep in when you spend the majority of your time alone after a break up, so try not to be alone too much. And after a month or two, if you feel like you want to try the relationship again, you MUST avoid the gray area. If you want to rekindle the relationship, it is essential that you bypass the friendship stage and start back with being in a relationship and moving things slowly. Just being “friends” that are exclusive is not a strong enough commitment. If you two want things to work, you must both address the old issues that led to the initial break up and plan how you will avoid the same pitfalls going forward. It is important that both parties internalize responsibility for failures in the past so that you can both work and strive for the preferred vision you two have for each other.