The Bees: The Features to Look for in a Good Wingman

By The Birds and the Bees' Staff

So you made the mistake once of taking your mother out with you to the club. Ten failed missions later you turned to her and just couldn't figure out what you were doing wrong. How could you be failing so miserably tonight? It couldn't be your outfit. You felt the flyest you've felt since prom. What could be the issue? Then you look back to the dance floor to see if that brunette was still around and see your mother raging to the new Britney Spears single. There it is. You fucked up and brought the wrong support staff to the operation. The guy with the World Beat-boxing title belt can't help when you need a sniper. Here are some essential traits to look for when designating a wingman for your night out.

Definition: Wingman: (noun) the catalyst for love or getting in them cheeks, you got him who needs a fucking arrow.

1. First Off - Your wingman does NOT have to be of the same sex as you. This may be shocking but girls can be potentially great wingwomen for guys. They are usually able to identify other women in the area who are open to meeting new guys. Also they are typically great at making the guy look good. Other women are more prone to listen to another female complimenting a guy than a guy complimenting a guy. Think about it.
   


2. Altruism - Your wingman has to be willing to take one for the team (if they are of the same sex). Now, taking one for the team does have boundaries. You should only ask your wingman to take a bullet you would HONESTLY take for him or her. To figure out the boundaries, you should pick a spot in the club and observe people as they come by and discuss if you would hit it or not. If you two are on the same page then you can start invading different territories. If you guys are far off, then reconsider that person as a wingman.
   + Remember: Your wingman should have your best interests in mind, be it related to achieving your goal or making sure your beer goggles don't get the best of you.
   


3. Good Looks - Ladies: pick a wingman as sexy as you, never sexier, and dress him or her in an outfit slightly less sexy than yours.Fellas: pick a wingman of equal attractiveness so long as you are at least moderately attractive. You never want to be outshined. You also never want to be in a pack of ugly people.
   


4. Confidence - Or Swag. However you look at it, the wingman must be able to hold the attention of the other team’s defense.
   


5. Conversationalist - You have to find someone who can have an interesting conversations about anything. Your wingman needs to be well rounded. They need to be able to talk about work, music, the cornball guy on the dance floor trying to get laid, the weather, popular bars/clubs in town or anything of the sorts. People who can only passionately talk about 1-2 subjects do not make useful wingmen.
   


6. Genuine Acting Skills - If the wing man is unable to appear genuine in the approach of the friend, the friend will be genuine in the genital blocking of the star.
   


7. Great Passing - If s/he doesn't know how to throw an alley, then s/he needs to be left at home. Poor passing is akin to cock-blocking.
   


8. Hater Blocker – A wingman must be skilled in handling hate. If a wingman encounters a hater in the group who is attempting to sabotage the mission, the wingman must be able to deflect the hate and preoccupy that person to give the lead person a chance to close the deal.
   


9. Emotionless - If the wing man is in fact rejected, the ability to gracefully bow out can go a long way in the success of their teammate. The time that was taken to reject them, leaves the time it should take for the lead teammate to secure a dance/drink/topic of conversation that will ward off any blockers.
   


10. Quality over Quantity - You do not need an army of wingmen to to get results. A skilled army of two can cause just as much damage as the average army of 3 or more.
    
    + Your wingman must be able to hold a conversation with more than one person at a time. An army of 2 must be able to go up to a group of 3 or more people and maintain good conversation. The leader person should be able to make his/her move while the wingman captures the attention of everyone else.

So it is hard to construct a list of what makes a perfect wingman. The only core quality there seems to be is that the wingman can inherently understand time, place, score, and the best decision for the good of his teammate. A wingman is something like a general, a point guard if you will, but different situations, most times, require a general comfortable in certain environments. You would not want an expert nautical tactician trying to make a battle plan for a ground battle, simply put. Now there are cases where there are wingmen who have an all encompassing grasp of wingmanology with the ability to be a tactical savant in any environment, but that is very rare. The essence of the wingman is the understanding of what buttons to push to lead to the success of their friend, whether it’s a one night booty rodeo, digits for possible fireworks, or just building a rapport for a future encounter.

Leave mom at home.