The Bees: The Features to Look for in a Good Wingman

By The Birds and the Bees' Staff

So you made the mistake once of taking your mother out with you to the club. Ten failed missions later you turned to her and just couldn't figure out what you were doing wrong. How could you be failing so miserably tonight? It couldn't be your outfit. You felt the flyest you've felt since prom. What could be the issue? Then you look back to the dance floor to see if that brunette was still around and see your mother raging to the new Britney Spears single. There it is. You fucked up and brought the wrong support staff to the operation. The guy with the World Beat-boxing title belt can't help when you need a sniper. Here are some essential traits to look for when designating a wingman for your night out.

Definition: Wingman: (noun) the catalyst for love or getting in them cheeks, you got him who needs a fucking arrow.

1. First Off - Your wingman does NOT have to be of the same sex as you. This may be shocking but girls can be potentially great wingwomen for guys. They are usually able to identify other women in the area who are open to meeting new guys. Also they are typically great at making the guy look good. Other women are more prone to listen to another female complimenting a guy than a guy complimenting a guy. Think about it.
   


2. Altruism - Your wingman has to be willing to take one for the team (if they are of the same sex). Now, taking one for the team does have boundaries. You should only ask your wingman to take a bullet you would HONESTLY take for him or her. To figure out the boundaries, you should pick a spot in the club and observe people as they come by and discuss if you would hit it or not. If you two are on the same page then you can start invading different territories. If you guys are far off, then reconsider that person as a wingman.
   + Remember: Your wingman should have your best interests in mind, be it related to achieving your goal or making sure your beer goggles don't get the best of you.
   


3. Good Looks - Ladies: pick a wingman as sexy as you, never sexier, and dress him or her in an outfit slightly less sexy than yours.Fellas: pick a wingman of equal attractiveness so long as you are at least moderately attractive. You never want to be outshined. You also never want to be in a pack of ugly people.
   


4. Confidence - Or Swag. However you look at it, the wingman must be able to hold the attention of the other team’s defense.
   


5. Conversationalist - You have to find someone who can have an interesting conversations about anything. Your wingman needs to be well rounded. They need to be able to talk about work, music, the cornball guy on the dance floor trying to get laid, the weather, popular bars/clubs in town or anything of the sorts. People who can only passionately talk about 1-2 subjects do not make useful wingmen.
   


6. Genuine Acting Skills - If the wing man is unable to appear genuine in the approach of the friend, the friend will be genuine in the genital blocking of the star.
   


7. Great Passing - If s/he doesn't know how to throw an alley, then s/he needs to be left at home. Poor passing is akin to cock-blocking.
   


8. Hater Blocker – A wingman must be skilled in handling hate. If a wingman encounters a hater in the group who is attempting to sabotage the mission, the wingman must be able to deflect the hate and preoccupy that person to give the lead person a chance to close the deal.
   


9. Emotionless - If the wing man is in fact rejected, the ability to gracefully bow out can go a long way in the success of their teammate. The time that was taken to reject them, leaves the time it should take for the lead teammate to secure a dance/drink/topic of conversation that will ward off any blockers.
   


10. Quality over Quantity - You do not need an army of wingmen to to get results. A skilled army of two can cause just as much damage as the average army of 3 or more.
    
    + Your wingman must be able to hold a conversation with more than one person at a time. An army of 2 must be able to go up to a group of 3 or more people and maintain good conversation. The leader person should be able to make his/her move while the wingman captures the attention of everyone else.

So it is hard to construct a list of what makes a perfect wingman. The only core quality there seems to be is that the wingman can inherently understand time, place, score, and the best decision for the good of his teammate. A wingman is something like a general, a point guard if you will, but different situations, most times, require a general comfortable in certain environments. You would not want an expert nautical tactician trying to make a battle plan for a ground battle, simply put. Now there are cases where there are wingmen who have an all encompassing grasp of wingmanology with the ability to be a tactical savant in any environment, but that is very rare. The essence of the wingman is the understanding of what buttons to push to lead to the success of their friend, whether it’s a one night booty rodeo, digits for possible fireworks, or just building a rapport for a future encounter.

Leave mom at home.

The Birds: The Art of Treating Women Well

By The Radical

Fellas, please allow me to speak to you about a fine art I have spent a lifetime studying: the elegant, laborious, and crucial art of treating women well. The first thing you need to know about women is that they are not bitches. They may have been bitches, they may one day become bitches, but women are never bitches. That is what makes them women.

How one treats his woman well is an art because while there are genres, rules, styles, trends, etc., there is not an exact science. Theorems about women always fall through when you need them most (in a bar mid-conversation, while writing your wedding vows, during the fight that will make or break you after your six year anniversary, the list goes on). The main feature of this art is what it is not and it certainly is not the craft of training your bitch.

To train your bitch, one must:

1. Make it so that one’s personal happiness is the focal point of one’s interactions with this bitch.



2. Secure the position of power. The easiest method of this is to simply care the least about the relationship itself and your continued interactions with this bitch.
   


3. Properly demonstrate the extent of one’s sexual prowess infrequently to compel this bitch to stick around, while still putting one’s own needs first.



4. Fulfill the superficial needs of this bitch. Fact of the matter is bitches be shoppin’ and not just at the Gap.

That, of course, is a small lesson on the dark arts. Those are the critical pillars of that particular school of thought, by no means the totality. Only these four pieces are needed to distinguish this from the fine art of treating women well. To treat one’s woman well you must never act toward her as if she was a bitch. She might occasionally act like one and that time she said something you are pretty sure was a well-disguised jab at your mother you wanted to call her one, but your woman is never a bitch. We have a different word for that: “woman.” Nonsensical? Yes, and that is the point. Ever spent a good amount of time with a woman? Exactly.

There are four basic tenants to treating a woman well:

1. Be willing to go beyond positioning her happiness as the centerpiece of your relationship; place it alongside yours. When you perceive her wants and needs as important as you do your own you make it so that your happiness coincides with yours. Making her happy makes you happy. This is much more stable and healthy than the complete sacrifice of considerations of your happiness for hers because it is less draining, thus more easily maintained for a long period of time, and the intermingling of what makes you happy as individuals increases the likelihood of knowing what makes you a happy couple.



2. Remember that power is fluid. Couple this with a passion for your woman that ebbs and flows, but never dissipates. “Never” is one of those present tense feelings, when it becomes a future tense kind of thing she might be wifey material. There will always be a power struggle going on in any relationship (refer to the power struggle article), but this struggle can be more or less full of actual conflict. Again, consider it as an ebb and flow of power.



3. You are her personal sex slave. She is your personal porn star. However you two make it true is up to you. I can’t tell you what rocks your boat. But for the proper, mind-blowing, multi-orgasmic, leg-quaking, sheets-ruining, neighbor-waking, structural integrity altering treatment of your woman, this should be true.



4. You must fulfill the needs of your woman, superficial and otherwise. Buying her things is nice and a great distraction from her having caught you staring at the bitch at the register, but there is more than materialism at the core of a woman. Those things we all long for deep down inside (love, respect, caring, hugs, kisses, sympathy, passion, compassion, and things of the like), give her all of those, in abundance.

Yes, you must treat your woman well, but not quite as good as you would treat your wife. The art of treating your woman well is really the practice of wading in the gray area between training your bitch and loving your wife. I had to consult an older head a while ago about the proper way to love one's wife.

The wise man spoke to me of the three Ps: Providing, Protecting, and Proclaiming. The three Ps are for neither women nor bitches. The three Ps are reserved for the wife or wifey material. Wifey material is a potential wife with legitimate and not “blinded by the power of the P” potential (This P is not one of the original three). The power of the P has sent men to their graves, kings to poverty, and ships to sea. The power of the P is a separate article altogether. Let’s stay on topic.

The three Ps are straightforward and need no further defining. What is necessary is a description of their applicability.

1. Providing – This is the natural male desire to provide that drives the ego of so many, from boys to men. This is why most males will cringe to think that he would be out on a date and she would pay. This same drive has been turned against men. Bitches won’t even consider reaching for their purse at the end of the meal nowadays, knowing that he will do the work for her, questioning his own masculine identity based on his financial abilities.



2. Protecting – A guard dog barks at the unopened door regardless of the possibility that it’s a friendly face on the other side of the door. That’s all. That’s not meant to be a metaphor. For his wife, a male will constantly be aware of and concerned for her safety. This is easily confused with male territorialism. Territorialism has the male’s ego as its main concern making the defense of his personal property the highest priority. The easiest way to tell the difference is the accompanied marking habits and the placement of a bitch as the visible focal point.



3. Proclaiming – I wouldn’t walk into a room and scream, “This is my woman!” I also wouldn’t leave the room without the sexiest girls and the guys looking the thirstiest knowing that “this is MY woman.” There is a middle ground, but the level of proclamation needed differs per male, couple, setting, and time of day. The Facebook relationship status is the most well-known (and most disputed) form of proclamation for our age group. It is also the most useless. It does more to have your relationship known when you walk into the club than it does when dude is poking your woman on Facebook.

I remind you that the three Ps are for the wife or wifey material only. These are told to you for one reason: You treat one as less than the other. How do you know what wifey material is? She is everything the average woman is not. So what’s a woman? She is everything a bitch isn’t, which gets kind of complex because bitches ain’t shit. When we discussed a clearer way to simplify this complexity a member of the Birds and the Bees Staff suggested that “a woman is everything.”

Buzzing: A Lady gives Fellas 12 DO NOTs for the first impression

By The Birds and the Bees' Staff and The Reader(s)

This is the second of the reader response posts. We love your interactions with us and appreciate every one. We decided this week to post the full responses we've gotten outside of the comments to show some love, and let the other readers know what The Reader(s) are saying. The Reader(s) wrote this in response to “The Bees: Give the Ladies 13 'Do Nots' for the First Impression.” One of our most vocal readers provided this list for us, offering a female's equal and opposite list of things not to do to make a good first impression. She's pretty on point.

The Reader(s)'s email reads:
“Assuming the "first impression" starts with the introduction/initiation of the conversation and not the stare down from across the room... Here's my list of total turn offs that guys should never do unless they want to go home alone.

1. Do not use a corny pick-up line. They're not cute and we might "laugh" but we really think you're a loser.

Example: "How much does a polar bear weigh?.... Enough to break the ice! Hi I'm........."

2. Don't get so close that you're invading personal space. Crossing the personal space boundary distinguishes you from a good guy trying to hold a conversation and a creeper/Asian tickler

3. Do not ask me if I want to buy you a drink. You should be asking me that

4. Don't forget to compliment me. I must be convinced that you're approaching me because I'm the hottest girl in the room.

5. Don't approach me and then expect me to hold the entire conversation. Just like guys don't like ditsy girls that ramble on and on... girls don't like guys that stand there and just nod at everything we say,

6. Try to use proper English when you talk to us unless we don't speak English then well.... you have a problem of your own.

Example... do not walk up to us and be like: "Ay yo hottie what up"

ON THAT NOTE.......

7. DO NOT ever call me "girl" "babe" "hun" "sweetie" etc. You haven't earned that privilege just yet. Slow your roll.

8. Do not get caught looking at another girl. I shouldn't have to explain why.

9. Don't talk about your ex... ever. And don't blab about your "bros." We don't really want to hear about your friends unless you're trying to get us to hook up with one of them....

10. Don't get so drunk that you can't remember my name. Actually, if you're really that interested... just don't get THAT drunk. That's a clear indication of where I would stand in our relationship.

11. Be a little bit humble. Although we want to learn about you... we don't want to know about how much you love yourself and could never love anyone else as much as you love you.

AND FINALLY... MOST IMPORTANTLY....

12. DO NOT forget your deodorant, gum, and cologne. I will not speak to you if you reek from every orifice of your body and you're sweating like a pig on a sunny day down in hell.”

Keep sending us your responses and questions to thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com. We do love hearing from you.

Buzzing: Thinking about Sex

By The Birds and the Bees' Staff and The Reader(s)

Since we began this blog we have come to notice a number of things about ourselves, our readers, and the blogging process. It’s understood within The Birds and the Bees’ Staff that comments are a bit of a pain to leave on this website if you aren't a member. We thoroughly appreciate all of your readership, especially when you interact with us via comments or emails. So far a couple readers have given us their personal responses via email to our lists through the lens of the feminine perspective. We decided to post these as individual posts to show our appreciation and give the rest of the readers a little insight into what other readers think.

The Reader(s)'s email reads:
“A - [The Bees: Thinking about Sex] is the best post in a while...congrats.
B - My friend and I came up with a list similar to the one posted under comments and a response to the original.
1. I said he can finish anywhere...I hope he knows that means not my face.
2. Will this interfere with my day tomorrow?
3. I sure hope this condom doesn't break. Wait...I sure hope he put on the condom!
4. What time does CVS open for the morning after pill?
5. What should I wear tomorrow?
6. I wonder what he is going to tell his friends. I hope he knows this hookup has nothing to do with that stupid line he said earlier.
7. Is he watching Sports Center as we fuck? Ha..I said Sports Center like I know what it is.
8. How long will he stay?...my outfit is going to require ironing in the morning.
9. What should I tell my friends...I'll boost him up just in case I need to use him again. This C + stroke will be a B+ to my friends.
10. I hope he knows that his book of 365 moves won't get past move 5.”

Keep sending us your responses and questions to thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com. We do love hearing from you.

The Bees: Give the Ladies 13 “Do Nots” for the First Impression

By The Birds and the Bees' Staff

How does every relationship start? “Hello.” Everyone with whom you've been intimate you met first. Ladies, for you, we've compiled a list of “Do Nots” to avoid making a bad first impression. But why wouldn't we compile a list of things to do to make a good impression? Because between the four of us we have four different perspectives on what leaves an impressive impression. Not all of us would have accepted being told that a young lady wouldn't be able to accept an invitation to a party because she had a previously arranged (presumably sexual) engagement that evening. A wise man once said, “That [girl] has no manners.” And now that young lady and the receptive young man are in the strongest relationship since the ending of Date Night. “But that ending wasn't very strong.” Yes, and this one either. Get it?

Anyways, it's much too simple to misstep during your first meeting with a guy. We can't account for all variables, but these are assured things NOT to do to lower the chances of such an out of line footfall. Here's the list as it would be read by one of our staff members (Hint: it's not [Doogie Howser,] MD) :

1. Don't keep staring if you're not going to talk.

I know its usually the man's job to be the aggressor, but, honestly, I know about the suffrage movement too. It's 2011, you can take the initiative too.

2. Don't give me the eyes when your man is in the room. Bad etiquette. Now I'm not a home wrecker, but you put enough blood in the water...you catch my drift.

3. Do not blend in with the crowd.

The beauty of many of the settings in which we meet people is how anonymous we can be to those that don't know us. We let loose and act in the group mentality. Stop yelling as your girlfriends pass you. I understand that you enjoy being out with your friends, but the tribal shriek of excitement is not cute.

4. Do not discuss a heavy topic (i.e. politics) unless you are ready to have a serious conversation and are willing to defend yourself/ No religion or politics talk please.

This depends heavily on the recipient, but until you gauge whether or not this is the kind of guy that refuses to take you seriously if you are only providing small talk avoid such topics.

5. Do not play dumb under the irrational belief that it somehow makes you physically more attractive.

6. Don't wear a skimpy outfit and spend the entire time tugging at your skirt and trying to hide your cleavage. You spent at least an hour getting dressed with the lights on; you knew what look you were going for.

Speaking of which, if you look like a hoe I'm going to assume you're a hoe. Dave Chappelle said it best, "Its like if I wear a police uniform, and you ask me for help, and I say, 'Oooh, I'm not a cop.'"

7. Don't get sloppy.

If you can't handle your liquor, I know you can't handle me.

8. Don't ask me to dance if you're not going to “Back that Thang Up.”


I will only two step to a few songs. Swag.

9. Just because I buy you one drink, don't expect to put all your drinks on my tab.

You haven't earned that privilege yet. Slow your roll.

10. Don't bring up your ex. And even after you actively attempt to not mention him, do not let on that you are still bitter from your last relationship.

If we need to explain the reasons behind this please email us this request. We will formally lay out the full reasons why this is a piss-poor idea and graphically detail how pungent the smell of “BitterBitch” is.

11. Do not let on that you do not suck dick.

This isn't as ridiculous as you assume it is. During your first meeting no guy wants to hear about the sexual limitations you have. Even if you “don't do that,” that is a conversation for a later date. And, frankly, one of two things will cross my mind if you do tell me you don't 1.) To quote Lil Wayne, “I don't fuck with bitches with the stadium!/ That's no dome/ Bitch go home//” or 2.) That's what they all say before they suck dick.

12. Don't ask if I'm going to call you.

Desperation is a clear sign of those losing... habitually. The game is only fun when the other party involved stands as a worthy player.

13. Don't friend me on Facebook and write on my wall the same night we met.

I won't be calling you.

Alright, so possibly we let the most aggressive of us narrate this one for you. The main points still stand. Do you disagree? Or have a corresponding list of what guys shouldn't do when making the first impression? Leave us a comment below or email us at thebirdsandthebees10@gmail.com. We're always interested in what you have to say...assuming it isn't politics or religion.