Takes Millions of Years to Create a Diamond

By A Member of the Birds and Bees' Staff

Booze, a.c., and a ton of poles, what a great place! I look around and all I see are beautiful flowers with an aroma fitting of angels. The juxtaposition of this place is impossible to deny with the beauty of movement mixed with the tainted desire of the viewers, yet here is where my life changes. I move into a realm of complete and utter paralysis when I see the incredible smile of a woman no man should have the right to lay eyes on. Her flowing hair is unlike anything I have ever seen. She is a goddess and me her temple patron.

Then it happens. I say in a confident yet slightly timid tone “hello, my name is…” and the rest is history. It was like we had always known each other. She laughed at my jokes, always had a drink ready for me when I came to visit, always took me back to her room by the end of the night, it was perfect. Never imagined I would find someone so special. It was like every need I had she catered to, and I had no problem assisting her financially when it was necessary. We were two peas in the pod of ecstasy unmatched. Fooling around is what we did every time we saw each other because she had specific rules about the amount of physical contact allowed. I completely understood like a dog hooked up to those electric fences, just don’t leave the yard, so my hands kept their distance and my mini soldier was never deployed for active duty. I accepted everything because I expected that one day we would have such a special moment on our wedding night that it would be like the Gods wept drowning Mt. Kilimanjaro in the process.

I was wrong, so wrong. I expected this goddess to be “my everything” and me her “all the time”. That never happened. She became “my everything,” but I was just “a great guy”. She was my morning sky, but I was just “really nice”. She was the ketchup to my hotdog, while I was just the pickle juice to her dislike for everything pickle. I was miserable and did not understand how all my expectations for the relationship could be so wrong. It was as if I could not see the writing on the wall that these expectations were totally off the wall. My goddess was really not my goddess; she just made me feel like I was the most important thing to her, when in actuality I was just another guy. I expected a future in which we would have a “Leave it to Beaver” type of life for our kids. None of that happened, none of it, I was a fool. The woman I thought would forever be mine from the first hello was my "never” from my first glimpse of her, but I expected so much, how unrealistic of me.

Unrealistic relationship expectations plague many. Going into any relationship thinking that a person is going to do and live up to certain things is fine, but don’t go too far. It is easy to look for perfection when perfection is not possible in the imperfect perfection of the world. Relationships are the avenue through which you can build goals and have expectations applicable to the mate you have chosen. If you choose a guy who has a terrible track record when it comes to being faithful and you are aware, do not expect that all of a sudden you will be the one to change him. If you choose a woman who is dedicated to gossiping about others, don’t expect that in a year she will just stop. There are those that believe that they can expect changes in their mate over time, by working on them, sorry to burst your bubble, but a duck is a duck. I grant that some people can change but when you expect there to be a change you are almost throwing cake in your own face off the bat.

Now in most relationships that I have seen fail there is always, almost always the element of expecting one partner to make changes in order for it to work. I have no problem with change but I do have a problem with expecting change. Yes, a little confusing but let me explain. Starting an actual monogamous relationship is a contract. It is a contract that stipulates I am willing to be with you and only you because at this point I want no one else but you (It’s a cute little sentiment, I’m a big fan). This point in the relationship is where everything is overwhelming out to bare if you are able to objectively look at what you are getting into (objectivity tends to be a lacking brain function sadly in such situations). The contract negotiation phase is probably the most important, but it seems most people just over look it for the promise of at least a month of jack rabbit humping sessions, leg cramps, and water breaks. Contract negotiating is the space in time when you start having feelings for each other deeper than physical attraction and before you actually make it officially an exclusive tango. During this period there will be some disagreements, noticing some things that may bother you, enjoying things that you may think are great, some sex, a little sex, or no sex (everyone has their own speed), and figuring out whether you want to give up the other options that a world of something like 6 billion people has to offer.

Negotiation's importance is due to the fact that it can set the ground work for what to expect and what not to bank on happening. If you both decide that monogamy is the way to go congratulations but be real with each other. In this period, there can be small issues or big ones and I will try to lay out the difference between these issues and how to handle them if it is a situation that applies to you. I believe that there are some negotiation phases that only have minor issues while others have enormous problems. A small issue could be his constant nail biting before you were going out and it probably is going to be more irritating when you’ve been with him for a year. If her baby voice was cute when you were just trying to hit it but is not now that she is about to be your wifey please speak up. If his burping words are bothersome before being official it’ll probably drive you crazy later. If her constant correcting of the grammar in your sentences when talking pushes buttons now imagine in two years how you might flip. It is so unfortunate when little things that could be addressed in the forefront can ruin a promising relationship, SO SPEAK UP! YOU’RE ADULTS! Nothing worse than a waste of time, well maybe busting a nut too fast but then again if it were a race I would have been Husain Bolt.

My disclaimer for this next paragraph is that the issues that are going to be arisen should be noticed prior to even thinking of a relationship with someone. You cannot get to the little things if the big issues are staring you in the face; it is a useless way to try to build a relationship. If the large issues are there run for the hills or iron them out before locking yourself into a turbulent ride. I digress, with little things addressed now during some negotiations people find themselves in what I call “IF YOU DON’T SEE IT YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT” in short “Benet”. Now this works one of two ways. One way is that the person you are potentially going to go out with is a player, hoe, or overall does not make your life better/easier. I grant that there are times when people can hide this side of them from you and deceive you, but what I mind is that in most cases this is not the case. Most wolves in the relationship world wear wolves' clothing. They usually are right in front of you fangs showing, but sometimes people get caught in seeing that fang as a jewel rather than a tool to devour you, your life, and your other relationships. Now in this case you are getting “Beneted” because just like Halle Berry you married a wolf who convinced you otherwise even though s/he has crimson blood dripping from those pretty fangs making you look like a “Fucking Idiot”(excuse my Mandarin). The other way that “Benet” works is that your potential mate is a freaking gem that has so many qualities that are on your list and more for the perfect mate. The problem here is you don’t see it or won’t see it due to a feeling of needing to keep your options open or just not being able to tell you’ve found one of the good ones. In this case, you are self “Beneting”, ruining a relationship with a person who could be great or is great for you. You are letting your Halle Berry go by your own self destruction. You sir/miss are a “Fucking Idiot” (excuse my English).

With the phase of negotiation being passed, it is time to understand the contract. This is probably the simplest part before signing. People can change for better or for worse when in the confines of a relationship, but to expect after the negotiation phase changes that were not discussed to take place is a fool’s bet. If it was not something handled before signing over your right to other sexual orifices and pipe like structures then do not expect change for your benefit to just happen. It does not work that way and never has. A cheater before marriage is a cheater during marriage and cheater after marriage, unless some supernatural shit happens like the ghosts of intercourses past. Change cannot be forced on another it is for them to take ownership and want to do it. Essentially when the contract is signed the fate of the relationship is now based in the agreements and bylaws within concerning change. So public service announcements “If it’s small SPEAK UP! “ and “Benet is not the way”, as an advocator of healthy long lasting relationships these are slogans geared toward your happiness.

By the way “my everything” from earlier in the article was a stripper named Pink Diamond, yea I’m a “Fucking Idiot” (excuse my cough).